Oh, Lord, Flying Spaghetti Monster, What A Mess

Sigh. If you follow me on any of my platforms, you’ve probably noticed a lack of activity and/or a lot of complaining. I’m miserable. I’ve been sick and sleeping ALOT and that is compounding the depression. I’m really sick and really depressed while sleeping a ridiculous amount and having the energy of a snail with a thyroid problem. Needless to say, I’m pretty much not functioning as an actual human at this point. When I do manage to push through, there are migraines, body pains, falling asleep against my will doing random things, just a lot of the things that you’d get if you were sleep deprived. This, after about 5 hours of being awake. No joke. Sleep study and MRA coming. Hopefully they will show something besides my brain waves are off. This sets the tone for the rest of the post.

I also had a really good friend die recently. We weren’t close so much anymore, but he had been a really giant part of my life for a few years. I went to his funeral. Managed to sit before the ceremony for about 20 minutes while trying to not cry. I then went out to my Jeep, ugly cried for an hour, drove the hour back to my town, still ugly crying bad enough that I had to pull over because I knew I shouldn’t be driving, then came home, cried some more, and passed out. I ended up sleeping for about 4 days straight afterwards and I was questioning a lot. Of the 4 main people of this friend group, only half of us are left and I’m only 33. It is terrifying and heartbreaking. Just the raw emotion opened a dam and I went from not being able to release the tension to over-crying. I’m afraid to wear mascara most of the time right now. It is not fun.

Also, my f’in lady organs. I’m done. Yank them all out. Throw them away. Donate them. I don’t care. My period comes with extremely bad cramps and lower back pain. It also comes with an increase in depression for 11 days of the month. So, almost half. The increase often leads to not healthy, possibly dangerous thought patterns. I asked for a hysterectomy because birth control messes with me physically , as well as the emotional nonsense, and not having it tortures me for half of the month and the cramps are worse. The doctor is insisting I go through at least 3 months of oral contraceptives. I’m not thrilled. One month left and I did switch doctors again, and this time it is a woman, so I’m hoping we can discuss it next next appt. Not having anymore babies. Just get it all out.

The world. Specifically, our country. I’m not gonna go on about this. I don’t know how to in a way that would be productive and that someone else isn’t doing. I’m learning, reading, listening. I might be recommending some books about things related, but other than Kyle Rittenhouse, I probably will only mention things in passing. I will be posting about him because it is personal. It happened in my community. I have the knowledge and insight with him to express rational opinions and explain my emotions about it.

For a long time, I’ve questioned my reasoning for writing about my nonstop problems and my internal struggles. I felt like maybe I was attention seeking, trying to play victim, or get pity. Maybe, all, at some point. Sure, yes. I know that those things do influence why most people expose themselves like this. I’m not claiming to be completely altruistic. It does help me heal, though. When people say that I’ve helped them in some way with this, or people compliment me on my authenticity for being so open, it motivates me even more. I’m helping myself and hopefully helping others who feel similar. A lot of people fight these battles alone or in secret. If me being open helps them at all, it is worth any scorn or negativity I get from doing this. To be honest, that has been hardly any, but I’m not popular, so…. If you can, share your story. You could really help people. Or just say you understand. Or just be kind. There are so many things you can do to help humankind just by being you.

We are going end on a better note. Yesterday, on 4/22/21, I hit 2 years sober. It wasn’t as magical as last year’s was because of how I’ve been feeling, but i have been thinking about where I was and how far I’ve come. I’m finally coming out from under the umbrella of the addiction. My life isn’t revolving as much around my feelings about the addiction or what I thought I needed to do out of guilt. shame, or obligation. I’m finding bits and pieces of myself. Kinda. Still searching for my identity, but I’m setting some small parts in stone. Things that don’t seem important from the outside, but are definitely making a difference. I’m an animal freak. I should just sell all my earthly possessions, put my cats on leashes, and go devote my life to a random animal rescue. I’ve seriously considered it. Who I want to be around is really becoming clear. I need certain types of people in my life. I need people who will love me for me, my authentic self. I’m referring more to the awkward Star Trek jokes, current oppossum obsession, the amount of glitter make up I have, my struggles and how open I am with them, and my dramatic shifts in….well….me…, more than most of the other things that make up me, like cooking and liking a lot of pillows. Those aren’t too bizarre. Like my bestie, who even though she is obscenely busy with school, she still cooks ridiculous dinners, reads, and manages to talk to me and deal with my nonsense. We just started a 2 person book club. I have until the 6th to finish the book for the month. I picked this month’s. It was, of course, Broken by Jenny Lawson. I write about her and the community I am in because of her quite a bit. A hero and inspiration to me. It is supposed to be hilarious and poignant. I just….haven’t. I’ll get it done, though. I got this.

Yes, I got this. Even when it feels like I don’t. Even when it doesn’t look like I am a functioning human, I am still in my head and battling myself. That might be life, who knows. At least I’m getting better at it.

Thanks everyone who read this. It means alot. Thank you for helping me through, or at least watching what is going on, over the last 2 years. I’ve needed to vent, and this page has always been a safe place for that. I love you. I may not know you, but if people can hate people they don’t know, I can love. *I didn’t come up with that, so if you know the original sayer (wtf?!?!?) please let me know.

Opossums, New Friends, Pride, and I’m a Mermaid!

Don’t yell at me. I know it has been too long. I keep making goals to be more consistent and then life throws curve ballS. Lots of them.

Lately I’m asleep or in bed probably 80% of the time. If I do anything I crash for a while. I did stuff today, have plans tomorrow, and plans on Monday. That means by Tuesday I will probably be sleeping 18 hours a day for at least 2 days. It is absolutely ridiculous. Doctor appointment on Monday, though, so fingers crossed it helps in some way.

Other than that I have found a few girls that I absolutely love that I have alot in common with. I can’t remember if I posted about them before, but despite looking for red flags, I haven’t found any. It is amazing. I’m glad I have gotten rid of my toxic relationships. They really brought me down and made me feel weird in a bad way.

Opossums. I’m obsessed. Seriously. I want to just live outside in a pop up tent with food to try to lure one in. They don’t bite, can’t carry rabies, and are freaking adorable. I feel them. When they feel threatened they hiss or play dead. That’s what I’m gonna do next time I have a panic attack. I’m just going to lay down where ever I am and close my eyes.

Look at that face!! *I did not make this meme. If anyone knows the creator please leave their name in the comments so I can give credit!

Next week I’m going to be writing about Whimzy finishing elementary school. I met some of the most important people in my life in middle school, even if we’ve drifted apart. She’s a lot different from me, though, so her experience will be much different. I was boy crazy. She most definitely is not.

Happy Pride Month! I am so incredibly happy how visible it is. Even if it is super commercialized now, it shows acceptance from a majority of people. That is amazing. I’m bisexual, but unfortunately have never really done the Pride thing. I think I am going to make it a 5 year goal! Whimzy also is understanding more about it and I am so proud of her compassion and openness that she has about this stuff. I’m glad I was at least able to pass that on to her. It is important to me that she is kind
Anything else doesn’t really matter to me. This is a digital drawing she did for a friend with the lesbian flag as part of the design. Seriously, she’s amazing.

Isn’t it amazing!

One last thing. I am super clumsy, but I haven’t sprained anything since the last time I drank in 2019 and it is basically a miracle. I had an old friend, from middle school 😉 ,come up to town and I was lucky enough to spend a day and night with her. Well, she wanted to go down to Lake Michigan and sit on the rocks along the shore. I was freaking out. I managed to get out on the rocks, but had a seriously hard time getting back on land. My friend took a picture and I was laughing and it looks amazing. I posted it in one of my support groups and she turned it into a mermaid for me. I don’t mind my tummy in this picture and I look so happy. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

Cara mermaid!

Have a good weekend! Appreciate your people and try to look for the silver lining, even if it is difficult.

Tastes Like A Memory

Have you ever bitten into something and magically transported to a memory? I did, just now.

I was hungry. I wanted PB&J. We were out of bread, but we had english muffins, which I keep buying and never eating. Toast, top, eat.

Bam. Papa (my Great-Papa that I lived with until he passed when I was 14). ate english muffins religiously. Usually involved butter and jelly, which is amazing. I highly recommend. Sitting at the pink formica table on the chair directly right to the end of the table chair that Papa sat in. The chairs were green, and so was the floor. My kitchen was a mess of colors. Foam plates. We only ate on real plates for special occasions.

A sudden flash of memory that lasted just less than a moment, but that carried so much. A small bit with every bite.

Maroon cardigan, yellow t-shirt, the smell of coffee, Nana and my Mom bustling around, green napkin holder (I’ve been trying to find one like it for years), giant picture window, hideous shades pulled up, aqua Caravan outside the window…

So many details. Some that I had not thought of in a long time, resurfacing. It was comforting. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, even with the painful stab of grief that came with it.

This also happens when I eat oatmeal with canned peaches. Almost same set of memories, just different details.

Maybe I’ll eat english muffins more often now. Next time with butter…wait. No. I’ll use margarine. More accurate. Wonder what else I remember.

Discomfort

Mental illnesses come with a lot of physical issues, too. Digestive issues, lowered immune health, high cortisol levels which can cause muscle tightness and pain, fatigue…I mean there are numerous articles out there about the physical effects of mental health. I rest highly suggest looking a few up if you want to understand the severity of how much these things affect a person.

This isn’t about that kind of physical thing, though. I’ve noticed lately that no matter where I am, what position I’m in, the type of furniture I’m on, or the temperature of the room….I am not comfortable. It is is this general feeling that if I could just shift to the left 2 inches I’d be fine, but after I shift it doesn’t change. It honestly causes more symptoms, like muscle tightness, isolation, oversleeping, guilt, shame, sadness…. because when there is that constant 24/7 feeling of this insidious feeling that isn’t quite pain, but is torture, you want to escape that. For me certain things lessen it: darkness, coolness, laying down, quiet. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes slightly more bearable. Other times, those things don’t work at all and I spend that entire time feeling like I need to be steam rolled and put in a taffy machine.

This type of thing gets overshadowed by the bigger symptoms and it contributes to the overall issue almost silently because it isn’t as loud or debilitating as anxiety attacks or binge drinking.

When I am in those stages of deep, dissociated, numb trauma that makes me want to hide and watch zit videos for hours, this is a huge deal. I need to be comfortable or I will fully dissociate. Pain, at this point, is easier to deal with.

How do I cope? Honestly, not usually well and it usually takes lots of tries of different things to help. I’ve recently bought tools to help.

My coping tools:

• One of those giant u-shaped pregnancy pillows
• Hot showers/baths with aromatherapy
• A TENS unit. You can get one on Amazon for decently cheap.
• Stretches (everything from hanging backwards off the bed to laying on my back with my legs straight up the headboard)
• Weighted blanket
• Ice. Ice everywhere. Especially under the neck and on my chest.
• Biofreeze. I’ve heard icy hot works well, too.
• Doing something slightly physical. This is the hardest one. When I am capable I put on Spice Girl’s “Wannabe” and dance as long I can.
• Tension massagers.
• I, when I can afford it, go get deep tissue massages.

I want to stress, sometimes NONE of that works and I have to sit there in my extreme discomfort. Throw any human interaction into the mix and I am suddenly unable to function as a human being and any tiny shred of concentration is out of the window.

I am writing about this because I think recognizing the small symptoms can help realize how serious mental illness is. Even when you aren’t actively having an anxiety attack or in a deep depression, these feelings can make life really difficult. Acknowledging them can make coping easier, instead of just feeling miserable physically added onto anything else going on.

I am not sure I explained this well enough. It is hard to explain! If you understand and have any better descriptions comment or use #ocdepressiondiscomfort in social media! Bonus points if you do it on one of our social media pages.

Quick reminder! Got a Snapchat! Username is glitterspice87! Or use the snapcode below. I’ve been posting more randomness on there as well as an announcement on my story! Check it out!

Deep Thoughts While Watching Pimple Popping Videos

I’ve become somewhat obsessed. I love pimple popping videos. I watch the ones with the whole face, not the one giant cyst and I have a favorite channel.

My one biggest thought is:

HUMANS ARE WEIRD!

First example is me. I am spending an ungodly amount of time watching people remove dirt, oil, dead skin cells, etc…from holes in another person’s skin. I obviously have wonderful time management skills.

Second example is humankind. Why did we decide that you need to have completely pore-less, unblemished skin? We spend so much time on skincare for current skin issues and possible future skin issues that will give away the fact that we age. GASP! How dare our skin act like….skin….?

Thirdly, biological weirdness. Skin is weird. Full of tiny holes that have Time Lord technology because they are obviously bigger on the inside. Tiny, little bump and then they push and a pod of pus the size of Arkansas comes out. How was that in there?!?!

Not so much a deep thought, but a genuine question that I am sure has a completely rational answer that I am entirely too lazy to look up. Why don’t dolphins get zits? They have teensy hairs. Why don’t the follicles get clogged?

There you have it. What my brain is currently able to focus on. Big smarts.

I’m BA-A-ACK!

If you read my last post, you’d remember I was going inpatient.

I just got home. I was in for 6 days.

Even though I’ve gone through all of the material multiple times before, the therapists added some different perspective and I actually learned quite alot. The one negative thing I figured out is that my exhaustion is 75%-85% from my medical issues, so regular coping isn’t going to work. Until we figure out a way to treat my symptoms, I will be this extreme level of fatigued.

I am feeling better, though. Having that short break to focus solely on me without the guilt of not using the time in other ways and without the constant pile of housework looming over me I was able to breathe. I also was around other people and that was extremely helpful. As always, I met a few exceptional individuals and was reminded of how good humanity is capable of with a little more understanding.

My motivation is better, too. I just need to figure out a balance between my physical need for rest and my psychological need for structure, relationships, routine, and hobbies. It is going to be a tightrope walk and I’m sure I’m going to fall off plenty before I get it right.

Tomorrow is gonna be full of making appointments and catching up on some basic stuff. Unpack, get back into my journal/planner, and do some checking of what we need to get done in the house and make a game plan. Probably fix my roots, too. More red hair!

The social worker at the hospital really rocked, though. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is the most effective therapy for Borderline. I haven’t had any of it, except for the very brief introduction this past week, since having some sobriety under my belt. She found me a Intensive Outpatient Program for me that meets virtually for 3 hours every morning. It has about a 2 week waiting list, though, so going back to see my regular therapist until then, and checking in with my psychiatrist.

All in all, it was a good experience. I’m really upset, though. Manu, my favorite cat was big mad at me. He wouldn’t even look at me when I got home. He’s slowly warming back up to me, but I’m not confident that I will have a purring pillow tonight, which breaks my heart.

Gotta go figure out dinner, which wasn’t something I had to do for the last week, so I can kind of feel the responsibility settling back on my shoulders. I’m hoping I have a little more strength now.

22 Months

I’ve been having a rough time. I’ve been sick physically pretty much nonstop (I’m working with doctors actively) and my depression/anxiety have been through the roof.

Last night I was borderline suicidal. I didn’t have a plan or intent, but I kept wishing I’d just blink out of existence. I knew it could spiral really quickly so I prepared, which felt weird. I reached out to family to make sure Whimzy had somewhere to go if I couldn’t get ahold of Ty quick enough. I had an entire list of specific coping mechanisms. My best friend and Ty both knew what was going on. I took a Naltrexone (a med that would stop the good feeling drinking gives you) even though I wasn’t having the urge to drink I wanted to be safe. At the last minute while I was feeling so horrible I felt like I did pretty well.

I did realize my crisis plan had a few missing pieces, though. I need to make a list of things to pack because I won’t be in a mind space to think about that. I need a list of meds and my insurance info, just in case. I need that very specific coping list easily available with the supplies easily accessible. I need to write out who to contact. I need to write down my best friends phone number because I don’t have it memorized. Basically I just need to write it ALL down. Not only for me, but for my support system. Having this all prepared with make the process much less hectic if I ever do need to go to the hospital. If you have any questions about it, feel free to reach out!

Enough of that. Guess what?!? Today is 22 months sober! I’m super excited about it, or at least as excited as I can be in this depressed state. I’m proud of myself. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get here, to be honest. It took so much freaking suffering to get here that I am trying to be as appreciative as possible and not take it for granted.

Hope you all are healthy and safe from all of the natural disasters and Covid!

2021…. Blech

2020. Glad it is over, but I know this doesn’t mean it is going to magically fix every thing. Everything is still the same.

Honestly, the beginning of last year was amazing. I was motivated and ready to take in the world. Then I got mono AND strep. Had to take another month off of work and by the middle of January I was back and ready to get back on track. Routines, cleaning, cooking, self-care, motivation, productive, waking up early, etc…

Then BAM! Sometime in the beginning of April a depressive episode hit.

Then, YAY! 1 YEAR SOBER! Treated myself to a few things off my Amazon wishlist and Ty bought me a new pair of Converses and a stuffed chicken. The chicken was a nod to The Bloggess and an online support group that got together because we all love Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess). Their unconditional support and Jenny’s blog was a huge part of my recovery. I think they were actually kind of my version of a recovery support group. I love them all so hard.

After a few days of giddiness it crashed and back to depressed. The days dragged on. Then my 33rd bday. My friends sent me a sash and a tiara and I wore a neon rainbow tutu and wore all the glitter. It lasted long enough to take pictures. Then I stripped back down and his under blankets on the couch. I was supposed to go get my birthday cake. I absolutely love cake, and I couldn’t even do that. Ty and Whimzy went and got it and bought me a stuffed goat. He is snuggly.

Continued depression… continued depression. Wait! I don’t feel horrible! Maybe it is lifting. 3 days later: psyche! Depression continues.

At this point I really need to add in how the world affected this. First burned up koalas. An eye opening series of events that have seriously educated me so much about racism and what POC go through. It hurts my heart. So much history we weren’t told. So much violence and subjugation. My town went up in flames after a black man was shot in the back 7 times by a cop. A 17-year old vigilante murdered two people and severely injured another. I learned about some questionable practices and events my police department has and how racist our sheriff is. Which is weird, but not surprising. He was the cop at my high school out in the county and apparently he wasn’t great there either. I never had any issues, but I never really dealt with him.

Riots everywhere. More murders by police on video. People running protesters over. Children being pepper sprayed. White supremacists. An evil and short sighted president encouraging violence. A governor almost kidnapped and shot by right wing extremists. Watching the entire world burn in another record setting wildfire season or be blown away by a record number of hurricanes.

Covid-19. A completely failed example of how to not slow a pandemic down. Anti-maskers. People not caring if their actions lead to the death of others. New York burying bodies in parks because they ran out of room. Refrigerated trucks across the country filled with Covid-19 victims. Covid having long-term effects. Covid-deniers. The president downplaying it on tape, didn’t change anything. An insane phenomenon of people still supporting Trump, even today. Almost 350,000 people dead. Gone. Forever. People who could still be here for their loved ones if better decisions had been made by a plethora of people. There is plenty blame to spread. Insanity. That’s what it has been. Insanity. Inequity in healthcare of people of color and white people. More POC dying than white people, despite being a smaller population. ER’s having to start making decisions on who will get care because there isn’t enough equipment, staff, or room. More people dying because of it and medical professionals dying trying to help people, being traumatized to help people. Putting their families lives at risk to help while people gaslight and say that they are lying and it isn’t that bad. It is just like the flu.

EPA restrictions lifted. Sacred indigenous people’s burial sites dug up for a wall that is being built because of hate and racism. Indigenous land being ruined. Indigenous people dying in scary numbers. The first time Doctors Without Borders has ever had to come to the United States to help the Navajo Nation survive.

QAnon and insanely dangerous and nonsensical conspiracy theories. The Evangelicals worshipping Trump who tear gassed a crowd to take a picture with a Bible that wasn’t his in front of a church that didn’t want him there. People in power making decisions that are seriously hurting people and making the rest of the world pity us. Out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Out of WHO. Falsifying scientific data. Politics take over the CDC. Lies about everything. So much fear, violence, hatred, and death. So much desperation.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. Women across the country are scared of how that will affect our health and how we decide to take care of our own bodies. Scared of religious principles taking over instead of the principles the country was based on. Tears. So many tears.

AOC and Bernie. Politicians that care, are smart, and are fighting for everyone. Intelligence and feisty, making me proud to be in their side. There are more like them. Diversity growing in the government. More compassion coming through. Eventually it will overcome the hate and selfishness that we have bright now.

Joe Biden is president-elect. He won. Trump still hasn’t concedes and is still declaring voting fraud despite almost all of this legal actions failing. Twitter fact checking him. People believing him. His encouragement of the Proud Boys possibly leading to violence at Biden’s inauguration. More violence across the country during protests. Portland going crazy.

Economy crashing. Record high unemployment. People becoming homeless. The absolute minimum being done by the government to help small businesses and families. Virtual school. The strength of our educators. Food banks. Hungry.

The opposite of all that being shown across the country in people trying to help each other. Despite all of the vileness in the world right now there is so much beauty and love. People coming together to demand better lives for POC and to fight racism, prejudice, and hate. Learning so we can be better allies. LGBTQ+ communities afraid of their rights being taken away. Their families preparing for the worst and setting up legal protection and ways to escape.

Nazis. Excuse my language, but people actually fucking calling themselves Nazis. Flags of hate flying with pride. Confederate flags being outlawed. History of hatred and oppression being exposed and meaures taken to remedy the reminders of the pain people endured because of hate.

Family. Watching Whimzy grow into herself. Her, me, and and my absolute best friend eating sushi AND HER LIKING IT! Watching her art improve and improve. Watching her totally rock virtual school. Hearing her giggling in the next room face timing her friends.

Talking to my best friend every single day. It is amazing. I can’t even express how much the conversations mean to me.

Ty, seeing me stay sober, and his patience and support growing. Him helping more while I can’t even get out of bed.

Just so much. So much has changed, getting so much worse and so much better. I haven’t been hospitalized this year. I haven’t sprained an ankle this year. I got to start updating my dining room furniture and seriously declutter and organize a good chunk of it.

Here we go again. The start to a year that could turn things around. Not this second, but eventually. Things will never be the same again. 2020 has damaged the fabric of so many things. It will need seen as a year that was a turning point. Hopefully, despites continued issues it can be seen as a catalyst that pushed forward the elimination of prejudice and practices that happen because of it. There can be good that comes out of the tragedies we’ve had in 2020. It will just take love over hate.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

That is not a good type of “AHHHH!”. Not at all. First though, trigger warning: suicidal ideation, medical issues, loss of hope (sort of), screaming into the void, and desperation.

I’ve been pretty sick and lost my dream job. Yay! No, but seriously, not good. Not good at all. The sickness is causing me to be unconscious a good portion of most days and exhausted enough to sleep most of the rest of the time. You know what isn’t good for depression? Staying in bed. You know what’s bad for how I feel physically? Being out of bed. See the issue? Also, I was supposed to have a doctor’s appointment this morning. I’m getting up, getting ready to go and the tell-tale signs of my episodes (when end in me being unable to stay awake and being unconscious for at least a half-hour, usually more). I haven’t been driving because of what could happen if this occurred with me behind the wheel. So, I was planning on getting an Uber, but I was not going to get in an Uber and pass out on the way to the doctor’s. I imagine it would be a big to-do that probably still wouldn’t accomplish much. I needed to go to the doctor for this issue, but this issue is stopping me from going to the doctor. Rock and a hard place (Not “Roc and a Hard Place by Piers Anthony. No fun creatures or puns).

I stayed home and slept. Almost all day. By the time I was feeling good enough to move around, another episode started. It is a vicious cycle and it is slowly killing my spirit.

Pity party train coming! *Toot toot*

So, Ive been struggling for over half my life with mental illness and then addiction for a good chunk of the time. Finally find the med/therapist/situation to help and move me forward. Then, depression busts in like the Kool-Aid man. Not the completely destructive type depression that leads me to wanting to end things, but a softer kind that just slowly eats away and lifts just enough, often enough to keep me treading water instead of drowning.

That, in and of itself was making it hard to get out of bed or function as a human being. I’ve basically just been a really high energy jello-mold. So, then I start literally being unable to stay away after a series of scary symptoms. Doctors this far have been less helpful than my cat. At least he cuddles.

Preface before this next part: I am safe. I am not currently in danger of hurting myself. What is the point? Why should I fight with my entire being to move forward when my own brain and body are determined to keep me stuck? No matter what I do, something happens. I am just sick of fighting on so many fronts with so little success. Every, single day I am fighting myself, and to be quite honest, I’m losing against myself. I am floating (not spiraling, big difference. One gives me time to plan and cope) downwards like a feather. It might be getting to the point I should start discussing hospitalization for my head. With Covid and having medical issues, I’m not sure how plausible it is, to be hone honest.

Welp. Gonna order a few books off Amazon for a tiny blip of happy chemicals before sleep….

More to come….I’m sure…..

Full Circle

In May of 2019, May 4th, 3 days before my birthday I entered my last partial hospitalizion program. It was 7 hours a day 5 days a week. It was required because I had relapsed and tried to commit suicide on April 22nd.

At the time I was homeless and waiting for the time before I could reapply for the Oxford House.

My family was wonderful and helped me through it quite a bit. They let me stay there for a bit, drove me around, helped financially, and were really supportive. I’m so grateful for their help. They also took my daughter overnight for over a year while I was at Oxford and Ty worked nights. Then, still once I moved home, they kept doing it until I was able to prove myself. Once Covid hit I was able to have her back home and haven’t messed it up. Besides just taking care of her, they helped with clothes, school supplies, and various other needs. She had her own bedroom and playroom, plus a video game area in the basement. It was so instrumental in me being able to stay sober and healthy.

Ty also was wonderful despite the fact he wanted a divorce. He helped me get to work and back to wherever I was staying. He let me go home for baths. He eventually let me stay over and then stay over alone when our cat got injured. By December, right before Christmas, I moved back in. I am about to have a 1 year anniversary of being home. We celebrated our 7 year anniversary this past May and it will be 12 years together on January 1st, 2021.

The forgiveness that some people in my life have given me is astounding. I don’t deserve it, but I am so thankful for it.

I was full of guilt and shame, and just generally miserable. I mentioned in my last blog that the hospital I was in switched my meds and helped track their effect. I switched meds at the very end of April and by mid-May they were kicking in and changing my entire life. The depression and anxiety started to fade and my intense emotions became more manageable. I started at KUSD on May 9th. By October I was hired full time at Whimzy’s school. Full-time was a huge deal. I ended up finishing the intensive outpatient program (IOP) in July.

Now I am just under 20 months sober.

While I was at that hospital, at the end of the first part of the program, the partial hospitalizion, my therapist gave me her card and told me that when I was ready to give her a call. She said that I was an example of a patient that could be really helpful and that she would love to have me come in and talk to a group.

I kept her card in my wallet this whole time. I finally contacted them a few weeks ago. I just spoke with her. Once Covid has calmed down and they are having groups in person she would love to have me come in. I thanked her for her part in helping me through it all. She said that hearing that type of stuff helps her to continue and have that ability to keep going.

I’m super excited and super proud. Back in, I believe, September of 2019 I volunteered to speak at a local organization about the Oxford program. I went in thinking it was going to be like a 15 minute thing and I ended up having to speak for an hour. Much to my surprise, I did awesome. I think it was great practice for doing some speaking at this hospital. 

It really just is full circle. I am ending up back at the place that set me on the right path to help others that are where I was. It makes me incredibly proud and happy that I’ve been able to move forward, but still be able to do this.

My depression and anxiety have come back pretty strong and I’m working through it, but I have been able to cope with the intense emotions. The waves of panic hardly ever occur anymore and when they do, I don’t self-destruct.

I guess my point of this is that no matter how many times you screw up, you can do better. You can move forward and make your life better, whether it be substance abuse or mental illness, or even both. It might take a long time and there might be lots of mistakes, but as long as you keep trying, you can do it. Trauma can be dealt with and you can heal.

I want to be as supportive as I can. If you ever need to reach out I have my social media information in one of the tabs above. Don’t forget there are also suicide hotlines and text lines. The nation wide text line is 741741. Just text and they have crisis workers ready. I don’t have the phone suicide number handy, but it is super easy to find. Just type suicide in Google (incognito mode, if needed) and it is the first thing that pops up.

You can do this.