TW: Suicide, obviously
I remember the numbness that I felt. I wasn’t afraid anymore, I was determined. The detached feeling as I bought the whiskey and instruments that would become my suicide note (which is still being held in evidence in case something like this happens again…).
I remember how absolutely I had given up. I was doing absolutely no one any good by being alive, in fact I was convinced that I was doing more harm than anything by being alive. I was a terrible mother, a horrid wife, and an all around useless person.
Keep in mind, this was my last suicide attempt. Not my first, but this one felt the most real. The most drastic.
I chugged that whiskey faster than I thought possible. I wrote that note, the numbness wearing off, and sobbing hysterically. As I finished the note, I remember clutching my chest because I couldn’t stand the feeling anymore. It hurt physically. My desperation to be free of this feeling was leading me to do something permanent. “A permanent solution to a temporary problem.” That wasn’t true anymore. This feeling of inadequacy, of desperation, of pain, of anxiety, wasn’t temporary anymore. It was my reality 9/10 days. It had just been getting worse for as long as I could remember.
I couldn’t even feel the cold as I crawled into the lake. It was December 9th, in Wisconsin. The lake was very cold, but not to me. I could not feel anything outside of my anguish.
I laid down in the water, fully invested in that being my last thought ever. I thought the world would be better for it.
Eventually, the fast ingestion of the whiskey made me throw up and wake up. The rest is a whole other post, but suffice it to say that I was not happy that it hadn’t succeeded.
For those who say that suicide is selfish, I am glad you’ve never felt so terrible that you actually believe that the entire world would be better off if you were gone. It is a terrible feeling. It physically hurts in ways that are hard to imagine. Just writing this is making my chest hurt and I’m going to engage in some pretty heavy self care after I get done.
I’ve learned some pretty amazing things since then, but I didn’t have those tools when this happened. I was lucky enough to survive and learn to thrive, but a lot of people just survive and go on suffering.
Just think about the desperation needed to end your own life. It is difficult to imagine, but there are those of us who have dealt with the feeling on a daily basis.
Think about that next time you judge.
