Oh, Lord, Flying Spaghetti Monster, What A Mess

Sigh. If you follow me on any of my platforms, you’ve probably noticed a lack of activity and/or a lot of complaining. I’m miserable. I’ve been sick and sleeping ALOT and that is compounding the depression. I’m really sick and really depressed while sleeping a ridiculous amount and having the energy of a snail with a thyroid problem. Needless to say, I’m pretty much not functioning as an actual human at this point. When I do manage to push through, there are migraines, body pains, falling asleep against my will doing random things, just a lot of the things that you’d get if you were sleep deprived. This, after about 5 hours of being awake. No joke. Sleep study and MRA coming. Hopefully they will show something besides my brain waves are off. This sets the tone for the rest of the post.

I also had a really good friend die recently. We weren’t close so much anymore, but he had been a really giant part of my life for a few years. I went to his funeral. Managed to sit before the ceremony for about 20 minutes while trying to not cry. I then went out to my Jeep, ugly cried for an hour, drove the hour back to my town, still ugly crying bad enough that I had to pull over because I knew I shouldn’t be driving, then came home, cried some more, and passed out. I ended up sleeping for about 4 days straight afterwards and I was questioning a lot. Of the 4 main people of this friend group, only half of us are left and I’m only 33. It is terrifying and heartbreaking. Just the raw emotion opened a dam and I went from not being able to release the tension to over-crying. I’m afraid to wear mascara most of the time right now. It is not fun.

Also, my f’in lady organs. I’m done. Yank them all out. Throw them away. Donate them. I don’t care. My period comes with extremely bad cramps and lower back pain. It also comes with an increase in depression for 11 days of the month. So, almost half. The increase often leads to not healthy, possibly dangerous thought patterns. I asked for a hysterectomy because birth control messes with me physically , as well as the emotional nonsense, and not having it tortures me for half of the month and the cramps are worse. The doctor is insisting I go through at least 3 months of oral contraceptives. I’m not thrilled. One month left and I did switch doctors again, and this time it is a woman, so I’m hoping we can discuss it next next appt. Not having anymore babies. Just get it all out.

The world. Specifically, our country. I’m not gonna go on about this. I don’t know how to in a way that would be productive and that someone else isn’t doing. I’m learning, reading, listening. I might be recommending some books about things related, but other than Kyle Rittenhouse, I probably will only mention things in passing. I will be posting about him because it is personal. It happened in my community. I have the knowledge and insight with him to express rational opinions and explain my emotions about it.

For a long time, I’ve questioned my reasoning for writing about my nonstop problems and my internal struggles. I felt like maybe I was attention seeking, trying to play victim, or get pity. Maybe, all, at some point. Sure, yes. I know that those things do influence why most people expose themselves like this. I’m not claiming to be completely altruistic. It does help me heal, though. When people say that I’ve helped them in some way with this, or people compliment me on my authenticity for being so open, it motivates me even more. I’m helping myself and hopefully helping others who feel similar. A lot of people fight these battles alone or in secret. If me being open helps them at all, it is worth any scorn or negativity I get from doing this. To be honest, that has been hardly any, but I’m not popular, so…. If you can, share your story. You could really help people. Or just say you understand. Or just be kind. There are so many things you can do to help humankind just by being you.

We are going end on a better note. Yesterday, on 4/22/21, I hit 2 years sober. It wasn’t as magical as last year’s was because of how I’ve been feeling, but i have been thinking about where I was and how far I’ve come. I’m finally coming out from under the umbrella of the addiction. My life isn’t revolving as much around my feelings about the addiction or what I thought I needed to do out of guilt. shame, or obligation. I’m finding bits and pieces of myself. Kinda. Still searching for my identity, but I’m setting some small parts in stone. Things that don’t seem important from the outside, but are definitely making a difference. I’m an animal freak. I should just sell all my earthly possessions, put my cats on leashes, and go devote my life to a random animal rescue. I’ve seriously considered it. Who I want to be around is really becoming clear. I need certain types of people in my life. I need people who will love me for me, my authentic self. I’m referring more to the awkward Star Trek jokes, current oppossum obsession, the amount of glitter make up I have, my struggles and how open I am with them, and my dramatic shifts in….well….me…, more than most of the other things that make up me, like cooking and liking a lot of pillows. Those aren’t too bizarre. Like my bestie, who even though she is obscenely busy with school, she still cooks ridiculous dinners, reads, and manages to talk to me and deal with my nonsense. We just started a 2 person book club. I have until the 6th to finish the book for the month. I picked this month’s. It was, of course, Broken by Jenny Lawson. I write about her and the community I am in because of her quite a bit. A hero and inspiration to me. It is supposed to be hilarious and poignant. I just….haven’t. I’ll get it done, though. I got this.

Yes, I got this. Even when it feels like I don’t. Even when it doesn’t look like I am a functioning human, I am still in my head and battling myself. That might be life, who knows. At least I’m getting better at it.

Thanks everyone who read this. It means alot. Thank you for helping me through, or at least watching what is going on, over the last 2 years. I’ve needed to vent, and this page has always been a safe place for that. I love you. I may not know you, but if people can hate people they don’t know, I can love. *I didn’t come up with that, so if you know the original sayer (wtf?!?!?) please let me know.

Manipulation?

I have a thought. Probably not one that will be popular.

Those memes and quotes about “An apology without change is manipulation”. I call bullshit. Total bullshit.

Addiction and mental health can make it impossible to change overnight. If a person has mental health issues, even with intense therapy, change can come slow and mistakes, maybe the same mistakes as before, will be made. It takes extremely hard work and self-awareness while continuously fighting their instinctual behaviors that happen without thought.

Disclaimer: This is directed for those actively getting help. Mental health and addiction are not choices, but recover is your responsibility.

I have a ton of diagnoses that make behaving like a rational human being damn near impossible. I was in therapy for 19 years and while I progressed, the biggest problems were really messing my entire life up no matter how hard I tried or how much therapy, or how many support groups I did. I started therapy at age 14. Started addiction recovery at 28. Until I was 32 and finally got the correct diagnosis and medications, it felt impossible. It finally set my brain chemicals regular enough that I can regulate my emotions. Now I’m finding underlying health issues and deeper layers of trauma.

I made a ton of mistakes. So many. I hurt so many people. I screwed up my life so horribly. Did I do that on purpose? Hell no. Some of those mistakes were made over and over because I couldn’t deal with my emotions (Look up Borderline Personality Disorder, don’t read the blogs bashing people who have it.) I relapsed so many times because I felt like I needed to numb myself or commit suicide. That is how strong it was. Did I want to drink? No. I felt I needed to.

This is just to point out that what may look like refusal to change might mean the person is still looking for ways to be better and then be able to actually apply them well enough to work and finding what works might take a long time.

Be patient with us. If it is something you can’t or won’t tolerate, say that. Don’t say we are manipulating you because we aren’t. If we are taking treatment seriously then that is literally all we can do and it might take a while to get to a point that you will see dramatic changes.

I said what I said. I will not be taking any questions at this point 😉

Clusterf*ck of Wonder

Geez. Life is insane and the universe wants to keep me on my toes. So much more happening than I had planned or anticipated. Best laid plans and whatnot….

Im having to learn patience and to trust myself. I am learning to have confidence in my own thoughts and feelings. To believe in my strength.

It has taken an incredibly long time and so may times I had to deal with things I didn’t think I’d survive. It has taken 2+ years of seeing myself cope well and make good decisions to get to this point.

I never thought I’d get here. Nevermind believing in myself, just surviving this long.

I am sharing as much as I am comfortable with right now. The last 2 weeks have thrown me for several loops. I’ve dealt, though, with the good and the bad ones. Thankfully they weren’t all bad.

I am also super excited because I have a sleepover coming up that is going to be amazing and a Saturday full of amazing plans with people who I love and make my life better. I’m also taking a lot of steps forward this week and hoping to do a few fun things with Whimz.

I’m also learning balance. Which can be difficult when faced with so many more options than I’m used to. I’m getting there, though.

Physical health wise, I thought I was pretty close to an answer, fibromyalgia, but blood tests are showing I need another specialist and to re-do the sleep study I failed, but at home. I was given a new med, though, to see if it helps with my symptoms that could be caused by fibro. It seems to actually be helping. That is probably positive.

I’m really proud of the path I’m on, even though it is difficult.

The Worst

One of the worst things about mental illness is the random times I get symptoms. For example, laying in bed with my kitty about to fall asleep.

Cue panic. The hardest thing about these times is that it is so hard to work through because I don’t know what triggered it. There is no way to counter whatever is causing this feeling logically, so I am forced to only focus on the physical aspects of it.

This isn’t just with anxiety or panic attacks, either. This is with everything. For me it is like sitting here, then BAM! Something is different. Wake up depressed. Suddenly realize I’m hypomanic while in the middle of staring at my ceiling. Crying for now reason, but then finding a reason because I am crying and I’m searching my brain trying to figure it out. Dissociating. One minute I’m fine, the next minute my brain is detached from my body and I feel like everything is happening to someone else.

One of the big things I’ve been taught is how to recognize triggers, deal with them, prepare for them, and work towards eliminating them. That obviously works a lot of the time. Other times, no matter how hard I think and dissect my thoughts, behaviors, or outside stimuli cannot figure it out.  A little bit ago, I was comfortable, brain nicely empty, purring kitty curled up against me and everything was fine. Then, PANIC! Heart racing, painful chest, hard to breathe, entire body tensed up, sweating, hot flashes, shaking…. It felt like I was walking up to do something insanely scary. Comparable when I was waiting to go into the court room to get my signature bond set.  Seriously. That bad.  *Quick reminder that anxiety really does feel like something is wrong. It compares to real life situations that would cause extreme amounts of fear or anxiety.

What did I do to calm down? Controlled breathing. Not just breathing, but in for the count of 4, hold for the count of 7, and breathe out to the count of 8. At first I had to go through my nose only so I didn’t hyperventilate, but once my breathing slowed I could breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth in the same counting pattern. Also, some basic meditation repetitions and focusing on how my kitties fur felt in my hands.

These random episodes can be over that quickly or it can be an extended debilitating depression episode that I have to work through with professionals and sometimes the answer to deal isn’t to fix it, but to not make it worse. It is to just make it through it without self-imploding or setting myself backwards. Standing still is always better than regressing.

I guess this post was just to explain that episodes and sudden unexpected symptoms might not be anything that you can pinpoint the trigger of. That’s okay. Just do what you can and don’t go backwards. If this is an issue for you, try talking to your therapist about more work on triggers or how to deal without having that logical explanation of a trigger.

Sweet dreams, darlings. Time for me to go back to my cat. He is giving me dirty looks for not cuddling.

I Got This ;)

Quick update on how ridiculous my health is! Waiting on the office to call to set up my sleep study to check for sleep apnea and narcolepsy. I’m also now going to be taking a Neuropsych evaluation to test for ADHD. Because, of course. I also, think I mentioned this already, have high levels of inflammation based on blood tests. I also found out this week that I have another NEW infection of mono based on antigens found in a blood tests. I also show the antigens that apparently mean I am still fighting off the last time I had mono in January. This is the 5th time I’ve had mono. I am waiting for a call from a doctor that specializes in fibromyalgia and he will most likely be doing some immune system testing, because that ish is not normal. I’m still super sleepy and unproductive and it is compounding all of my mental health shenanigans, but I’m dealing.

Part of the way I’m dealing is with spirituality. I’m not going crazy about it and spending a ton of money on stuff, but I am still doing it. I did a makeshift altar in bed a couple weeks ago and did my first ever solo Oracle card reading. It was incredible. I was really emotional so I did a single card pull. I seriously was shaking as I wrote out my take on it in my notebook. I cried. I also used a Jean Luc Picard blanket as my altar cloth. Absolutely no regrets. It is what I needed in that moment. The way it helped me calm down was so effective and made me feel like I had actually dealt with it instead of just calming down. I finished with a root chakra meditation and a nap.

My mini altar! I also smoke cleansed the area.

I also made loose incense for the first time correctly a little bit ago. Apparently, before I was just making shit up and was doing it wrong. I need to be able to grind resin (I used dragons blood today) and I hadn’t been making the charcoal hot enough. I still need to adjust the ratios and stuff, along with getting a few fresher supplies, but it was perfect for what I needed. I saw the resin bubble and boil on the charcoal and it hit me somehow and I felt so zen for a few seconds. Still need to go finish cleaning up, but it was wonderful. Once I get the recipe smoothed out I will post it. It was super simple. Only 3 ingredients.

Few other nifty things! I officially started my apothecary. I’ll be posting pics soon. It is a super small start, but it is a start. I got some awesome containers at a thrift store. So much freaking cheaper than Etsy. I also turned left at a red light and almost got t-boned and then got pulled over. I had a realization of how lucky I am to be a white woman with a white child. I wasn’t afraid for our safety, I was just pissed off at myself. Again, privilege hit and I didn’t even get a ticket. Honestly, I needed some happy chemicals at that point, so it helped. Then had a girls day with Whimz to start buying school clothes and we had an amazing time. She was so happy.

Other than having some serious self-confidence issues because of how stuck I am, I guess I’m coping okay. Still making quite a few realizations about myself and it is world changing stuff. I’ve also been able to help support a couple people and I’m so honored they came to me. You’ll hear more about that stuff soon, I’m sure. Until then, enjoy some bright red hair, cats, and other peeks into my life. Love you all! I’m here if you need me! Social media contact info and email address are under the social media tab! I answer as quickly as I am able.

Please, Be Violent With My Scapula

Just wow. So much has happened. The sleepiness got worse, with the pain also exploding. I have high markers of inflammation in my body and am going for a sleep study soon. I’m also going for a Neuropsych evaluation for possible ADHD. Turns out that females have much different symptoms than males, so they weren’t diagnosed as children. That means a ton of adult women getting diagnosed later in life. I fit most of the symptoms to a T.

I went hypomanic the night before last and through yesterday. First day in a LONG time that I wasn’t absolutely miserable. Got more done than I have in the last couple months combined. It was amazing. Today I woke up with a sinus infection… because of course.

I am dealing well, though. No crisis thoughts and I’m doing really well with most emotional stabilization. It shows an amazing amount of growth on my part. I’m proud.

My goal right now is to get the house clean and organized by August 1st. If that happens I’m having a costume tea/tarot party. It is actually really great motivation. If it happens there will definitely be pictures.

I am also looking for a chiropractor that is willing to put the full weight of an adult human into their elbow and then into my scapulas. I desperately need it.

My next post is going to be about the tools I’ve been using to stay stable. One of the big ones is definitely my cat. Spoiler. I’m also going to be taking about some new spiritual goals towards becoming a better kitchen witch.

Any mental health stuff you want to hear about? Need support? Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m here.

Peace out lovelies. Make good choices.

My Navy Lady and Others

I just made a post on my personal fb page about my best friend. The meme was about not having a single best friend and how different friends fill different roles.

I wholeheartedly disagree, at least for my situation. I won’t put her name out there (if you know me, you know who I am talking about), so let’s call her….Navy Lady. It is a clever name. People who know me will be amused.

She is my best friend. Above best friend. So far above. She is the person I’ve been the closest to, ever. I’ve lived with her. She’s been the person that I’ve gone to consistently for over a decade. She is one of my healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. We get each other and she makes me better and can bring me back down to reality faster than anyone. She also gives me psychological empirical evidence about why I am not a bad person. It helps.

For a long time I had hordes of best friends. When I got sober and looked at a lot of the relationships, they weren’t healthy. I had a lot of friends who morals and beliefs directly contrasted with mine. Now I can’t be friends with racists or bigots. It was an epiphany when I realized that. Seriously. I always believed that I was messed up and I wanted chances so I should give others chances. That is true, IF they are compatible with who I am and won’t make me compromise that. I look for red flags and pay attention. I will gracefully back out of interactions or possible relationships if I see it being toxic or unhealthy.

She obviously never got weeded out and our morals, beliefs, and overall outlook on life are scarily similar. Absolutely no compromise on being besties with her.

Now, I have to add something. Navy Lady isn’t my only friend. I’ve gained a ton of friends that I love. Both in person and online. I love both pretty hard. In person isn’t as important as it used to be. You can be as close, sometimes closer, to people online. I hope they know how much I love all of them.

My relationships have changed and relationships have changed the world over because of the internet. We should embrace this new way to meet so many different people from so many places, included people who will offer perfect jobs like being a yard gnome.

Love you all ❤

Opossums, New Friends, Pride, and I’m a Mermaid!

Don’t yell at me. I know it has been too long. I keep making goals to be more consistent and then life throws curve ballS. Lots of them.

Lately I’m asleep or in bed probably 80% of the time. If I do anything I crash for a while. I did stuff today, have plans tomorrow, and plans on Monday. That means by Tuesday I will probably be sleeping 18 hours a day for at least 2 days. It is absolutely ridiculous. Doctor appointment on Monday, though, so fingers crossed it helps in some way.

Other than that I have found a few girls that I absolutely love that I have alot in common with. I can’t remember if I posted about them before, but despite looking for red flags, I haven’t found any. It is amazing. I’m glad I have gotten rid of my toxic relationships. They really brought me down and made me feel weird in a bad way.

Opossums. I’m obsessed. Seriously. I want to just live outside in a pop up tent with food to try to lure one in. They don’t bite, can’t carry rabies, and are freaking adorable. I feel them. When they feel threatened they hiss or play dead. That’s what I’m gonna do next time I have a panic attack. I’m just going to lay down where ever I am and close my eyes.

Look at that face!! *I did not make this meme. If anyone knows the creator please leave their name in the comments so I can give credit!

Next week I’m going to be writing about Whimzy finishing elementary school. I met some of the most important people in my life in middle school, even if we’ve drifted apart. She’s a lot different from me, though, so her experience will be much different. I was boy crazy. She most definitely is not.

Happy Pride Month! I am so incredibly happy how visible it is. Even if it is super commercialized now, it shows acceptance from a majority of people. That is amazing. I’m bisexual, but unfortunately have never really done the Pride thing. I think I am going to make it a 5 year goal! Whimzy also is understanding more about it and I am so proud of her compassion and openness that she has about this stuff. I’m glad I was at least able to pass that on to her. It is important to me that she is kind
Anything else doesn’t really matter to me. This is a digital drawing she did for a friend with the lesbian flag as part of the design. Seriously, she’s amazing.

Isn’t it amazing!

One last thing. I am super clumsy, but I haven’t sprained anything since the last time I drank in 2019 and it is basically a miracle. I had an old friend, from middle school 😉 ,come up to town and I was lucky enough to spend a day and night with her. Well, she wanted to go down to Lake Michigan and sit on the rocks along the shore. I was freaking out. I managed to get out on the rocks, but had a seriously hard time getting back on land. My friend took a picture and I was laughing and it looks amazing. I posted it in one of my support groups and she turned it into a mermaid for me. I don’t mind my tummy in this picture and I look so happy. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

Cara mermaid!

Have a good weekend! Appreciate your people and try to look for the silver lining, even if it is difficult.

Tastes Like A Memory

Have you ever bitten into something and magically transported to a memory? I did, just now.

I was hungry. I wanted PB&J. We were out of bread, but we had english muffins, which I keep buying and never eating. Toast, top, eat.

Bam. Papa (my Great-Papa that I lived with until he passed when I was 14). ate english muffins religiously. Usually involved butter and jelly, which is amazing. I highly recommend. Sitting at the pink formica table on the chair directly right to the end of the table chair that Papa sat in. The chairs were green, and so was the floor. My kitchen was a mess of colors. Foam plates. We only ate on real plates for special occasions.

A sudden flash of memory that lasted just less than a moment, but that carried so much. A small bit with every bite.

Maroon cardigan, yellow t-shirt, the smell of coffee, Nana and my Mom bustling around, green napkin holder (I’ve been trying to find one like it for years), giant picture window, hideous shades pulled up, aqua Caravan outside the window…

So many details. Some that I had not thought of in a long time, resurfacing. It was comforting. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, even with the painful stab of grief that came with it.

This also happens when I eat oatmeal with canned peaches. Almost same set of memories, just different details.

Maybe I’ll eat english muffins more often now. Next time with butter…wait. No. I’ll use margarine. More accurate. Wonder what else I remember.

Discomfort

Mental illnesses come with a lot of physical issues, too. Digestive issues, lowered immune health, high cortisol levels which can cause muscle tightness and pain, fatigue…I mean there are numerous articles out there about the physical effects of mental health. I rest highly suggest looking a few up if you want to understand the severity of how much these things affect a person.

This isn’t about that kind of physical thing, though. I’ve noticed lately that no matter where I am, what position I’m in, the type of furniture I’m on, or the temperature of the room….I am not comfortable. It is is this general feeling that if I could just shift to the left 2 inches I’d be fine, but after I shift it doesn’t change. It honestly causes more symptoms, like muscle tightness, isolation, oversleeping, guilt, shame, sadness…. because when there is that constant 24/7 feeling of this insidious feeling that isn’t quite pain, but is torture, you want to escape that. For me certain things lessen it: darkness, coolness, laying down, quiet. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes slightly more bearable. Other times, those things don’t work at all and I spend that entire time feeling like I need to be steam rolled and put in a taffy machine.

This type of thing gets overshadowed by the bigger symptoms and it contributes to the overall issue almost silently because it isn’t as loud or debilitating as anxiety attacks or binge drinking.

When I am in those stages of deep, dissociated, numb trauma that makes me want to hide and watch zit videos for hours, this is a huge deal. I need to be comfortable or I will fully dissociate. Pain, at this point, is easier to deal with.

How do I cope? Honestly, not usually well and it usually takes lots of tries of different things to help. I’ve recently bought tools to help.

My coping tools:

  • One of those giant u-shaped pregnancy pillows
  • Hot showers/baths with aromatherapy
  • A TENS unit. You can get one on Amazon for decently cheap.
  • Stretches (everything from hanging backwards off the bed to laying on my back with my legs straight up the headboard)
  • Weighted blanket
  • Ice. Ice everywhere. Especially under the neck and on my chest.
  • Biofreeze. I’ve heard icy hot works well, too.
  • Doing something slightly physical. This is the hardest one. When I am capable I put on Spice Girl’s “Wannabe” and dance as long I can.
  • Tension massagers.
  • I, when I can afford it, go get deep tissue massages.

I want to stress, sometimes NONE of that works and I have to sit there in my extreme discomfort. Throw any human interaction into the mix and I am suddenly unable to function as a human being and any tiny shred of concentration is out of the window.

I am writing about this because I think recognizing the small symptoms can help realize how serious mental illness is. Even when you aren’t actively having an anxiety attack or in a deep depression, these feelings can make life really difficult. Acknowledging them can make coping easier, instead of just feeling miserable physically added onto anything else going on.

I am not sure I explained this well enough. It is hard to explain! If you understand and have any better descriptions comment or use #ocdepressiondiscomfort in social media! Bonus points if you do it on one of our social media pages.

Quick reminder! Got a Snapchat! Username is glitterspice87! Or use the snapcode below. I’ve been posting more randomness on there as well as an announcement on my story! Check it out!