The Other Side of Hypomania

Ah, yes. My last blog post. I was riding high. Then, I wasn’t. I’m still not.

The absolute horror of feeling good for no reason, in my case, is knowing that I am going to feel bad soon and for much more time than I felt good. Was this downward slope precipitated by something? Yes. Does the contrast make it feel worse? Also, yes.

Stuff is heavy right now. Everything is heavy. I don’t think I have a single part of my existence that doesn’t make me feel like Atlas. Ive been giving in under the weight the last week or 2. I’ve been feeling horrid, exhausted, anxious, emotional (in the bad way that would fulfill any woman stereotype), and gray.

Then, to protect myself and others around me, I got the booster vaccination and it made me super sick.

I did have an interview for a job that would be life changing. Im not confident in my performance, though.

Basically…I don’t know. I read my last post and wanted to write something as engaging and I don’t think I can.

I am going to a “sober bar” with 2 friends tomorrow night that I am excited about. I’m going to get dolled up and go have fun. I totally forgot about the fact that it just opened and I have good enough friends to remind me and take the initiative to ask me to go out with them. They rock. I will 100% be taking anxiety medication and carrying a rock in my bra, but I am going and I am going to have fun.

It may not be hypomanic, or even an actual slope back up, but at least I’m looking in that direction.

ALL THE THINGS! *cackles maniacally*

Woke up hypomanic. Now that a lot of my self-destructive urges are under better control it less of a scary feeling to feel like I can take on the world.

Took me awhile to figure it out. Laid in bed for 2 hours just laughing my ass off at memes and couldn’t figure out why I was so giggly. Then the sudden urge to DO THINGS! hit. Then it clicked. So I did things and am now choosing to chill for a bit so I don’t burn myself out and ruin the productivity streak. I’m actually liking this. It feels like what I assume healthy people feel like on a good day instead of a mental illness symptom.

I have rules, though, for hypomania now.

* No online shopping sites.

  • No online shopping sites. Seriously. No, I don’t need 8 pairs of thigh high socks and 4 pairs of shoes to go with.
  • No contacting any long lost acquaintances of any kind. It will end badly. No matter how good my intentions are.
  • Ask for a second opinion before making any big decisions. It isn’t a good idea to decide to buy a monitor lizard.
  • Don’t go regular shopping, either, or go with a rational person who can tell you that you really shouldn’t spend $100 on a Lifesize cut out of Peter Dinklage. Let’s be honest, though, even on a normal day, it would be hard to resist that. There was 3 ft poster of him that I desperately wanted, but was vetoed for. I regret it everyday.
  • Don’t make any big plans. I will regret it when I have to actually do said plans. No making sky diving reservations.
  • Before doing anything that is really out of the norm, call bestie. Pretty much any plans that don’t involve something I would do any other day needs to be examined.
  • Any irregularly strong emotions (which is a big deal for me because my emotions are normally bigger than life) need to be examined with a non-hypomanic person.
  • Don’t make any goals. Today is not the day to decide to work towards moving to Florida to become a performance mermaid. This also plays into online shopping. If I decide to follow my dream of becoming a mermaid, I would obviously need to buy a tail. *Squirts myself with spray bottle* NO! OFF AMAZON!

I am focusing on packing/cleaning, making some phone calls, and taking breaks so I don’t burn myself out and need a week and a half to recover.

More news about jobs and whatnot forthcoming, just not right today.

Do you deal with mania or hypomania? Any advice, stories, rules that you’d like to share? Honestly, if any of it involves Peter Dinklage I will send you a letter telling you how amazing you are.

Not Necessarily A Secret Anymore

A lot has been going on that I haven’t written about. A lot of stuff I couldn’t write about, so I haven’t written. There are still things better kept private for now, but I think it is okay that I start talking about some of it.

Ty and I are getting a divorce. I am the one who initiated it and I am also going to be the one moving out. We’ve started court proceedings already. This has been going on since August.

I’m looking for places, but having some difficulty for a number of reasons, but I am still trying, obviously. There are very few things that I am going to absolutely need when I move out and I’m grateful to Ty who is letting me take a lot of the stuff I’ve accumulated in the name of the house.

My Jeep died a couple months ago. I had some amazing help and now I am the proud owner of a ’97 Honda Accord with messages to Paul Walker on the trunk.  It may look ridiculous, but it is the smoothest ride I’ve ever had and it is in immaculate shape mechanically and the inside is super clean. It has character. Lol

Just to clarify things, obviously there are some tense moments, but the divorce is amicable and we are doing everything possible to make sure Whimzy is the basis for any difficult decisions.

There is a lot more going on, but I’ll stick to this one bit of glimpse into what is happening for today. I will be writing a lot more now that I can be more open about some things.

Thank you for reading this. I know it wasn’t particularly deep or funny at all. Moving forward we’ll get back into the groove.

Oh, Lord, Flying Spaghetti Monster, What A Mess

Sigh. If you follow me on any of my platforms, you’ve probably noticed a lack of activity and/or a lot of complaining. I’m miserable. I’ve been sick and sleeping ALOT and that is compounding the depression. I’m really sick and really depressed while sleeping a ridiculous amount and having the energy of a snail with a thyroid problem. Needless to say, I’m pretty much not functioning as an actual human at this point. When I do manage to push through, there are migraines, body pains, falling asleep against my will doing random things, just a lot of the things that you’d get if you were sleep deprived. This, after about 5 hours of being awake. No joke. Sleep study and MRA coming. Hopefully they will show something besides my brain waves are off. This sets the tone for the rest of the post.

I also had a really good friend die recently. We weren’t close so much anymore, but he had been a really giant part of my life for a few years. I went to his funeral. Managed to sit before the ceremony for about 20 minutes while trying to not cry. I then went out to my Jeep, ugly cried for an hour, drove the hour back to my town, still ugly crying bad enough that I had to pull over because I knew I shouldn’t be driving, then came home, cried some more, and passed out. I ended up sleeping for about 4 days straight afterwards and I was questioning a lot. Of the 4 main people of this friend group, only half of us are left and I’m only 33. It is terrifying and heartbreaking. Just the raw emotion opened a dam and I went from not being able to release the tension to over-crying. I’m afraid to wear mascara most of the time right now. It is not fun.

Also, my f’in lady organs. I’m done. Yank them all out. Throw them away. Donate them. I don’t care. My period comes with extremely bad cramps and lower back pain. It also comes with an increase in depression for 11 days of the month. So, almost half. The increase often leads to not healthy, possibly dangerous thought patterns. I asked for a hysterectomy because birth control messes with me physically , as well as the emotional nonsense, and not having it tortures me for half of the month and the cramps are worse. The doctor is insisting I go through at least 3 months of oral contraceptives. I’m not thrilled. One month left and I did switch doctors again, and this time it is a woman, so I’m hoping we can discuss it next next appt. Not having anymore babies. Just get it all out.

The world. Specifically, our country. I’m not gonna go on about this. I don’t know how to in a way that would be productive and that someone else isn’t doing. I’m learning, reading, listening. I might be recommending some books about things related, but other than Kyle Rittenhouse, I probably will only mention things in passing. I will be posting about him because it is personal. It happened in my community. I have the knowledge and insight with him to express rational opinions and explain my emotions about it.

For a long time, I’ve questioned my reasoning for writing about my nonstop problems and my internal struggles. I felt like maybe I was attention seeking, trying to play victim, or get pity. Maybe, all, at some point. Sure, yes. I know that those things do influence why most people expose themselves like this. I’m not claiming to be completely altruistic. It does help me heal, though. When people say that I’ve helped them in some way with this, or people compliment me on my authenticity for being so open, it motivates me even more. I’m helping myself and hopefully helping others who feel similar. A lot of people fight these battles alone or in secret. If me being open helps them at all, it is worth any scorn or negativity I get from doing this. To be honest, that has been hardly any, but I’m not popular, so…. If you can, share your story. You could really help people. Or just say you understand. Or just be kind. There are so many things you can do to help humankind just by being you.

We are going end on a better note. Yesterday, on 4/22/21, I hit 2 years sober. It wasn’t as magical as last year’s was because of how I’ve been feeling, but i have been thinking about where I was and how far I’ve come. I’m finally coming out from under the umbrella of the addiction. My life isn’t revolving as much around my feelings about the addiction or what I thought I needed to do out of guilt. shame, or obligation. I’m finding bits and pieces of myself. Kinda. Still searching for my identity, but I’m setting some small parts in stone. Things that don’t seem important from the outside, but are definitely making a difference. I’m an animal freak. I should just sell all my earthly possessions, put my cats on leashes, and go devote my life to a random animal rescue. I’ve seriously considered it. Who I want to be around is really becoming clear. I need certain types of people in my life. I need people who will love me for me, my authentic self. I’m referring more to the awkward Star Trek jokes, current oppossum obsession, the amount of glitter make up I have, my struggles and how open I am with them, and my dramatic shifts in….well….me…, more than most of the other things that make up me, like cooking and liking a lot of pillows. Those aren’t too bizarre. Like my bestie, who even though she is obscenely busy with school, she still cooks ridiculous dinners, reads, and manages to talk to me and deal with my nonsense. We just started a 2 person book club. I have until the 6th to finish the book for the month. I picked this month’s. It was, of course, Broken by Jenny Lawson. I write about her and the community I am in because of her quite a bit. A hero and inspiration to me. It is supposed to be hilarious and poignant. I just….haven’t. I’ll get it done, though. I got this.

Yes, I got this. Even when it feels like I don’t. Even when it doesn’t look like I am a functioning human, I am still in my head and battling myself. That might be life, who knows. At least I’m getting better at it.

Thanks everyone who read this. It means alot. Thank you for helping me through, or at least watching what is going on, over the last 2 years. I’ve needed to vent, and this page has always been a safe place for that. I love you. I may not know you, but if people can hate people they don’t know, I can love. *I didn’t come up with that, so if you know the original sayer (wtf?!?!?) please let me know.

Sad Kazoo Noises

8 days ago, April 22, was my 3 year soberversary. I did nothing. I don’t honestly really care right now. I’m glad I’m sober, but when getting out of bed is such an achievement, celebrating anything I accomplish seems ridiculous.

Excuse me, I’m gonna go do absolutely nothing and it is going to keep me extremely busy because I will spend the entire time internally yelling at myself about why I suck. My inner voice is a mean girl.

Messy Brain

My thought patterns are usually….erratic. It is like playing a word association game with Doug from Up.

That being admitted, sometimes it goes off the rails. I’ve been super open about my mental health. Tonight has just felt like “a night”.

Not feeling great physically, but as I was finally falling asleep I had a giant panic attack? Why? Idk. It was horrid. Then it passed and I felt freaking crazy and my sternum hurt from my heart beating out of my chest and not being able to breathe.

That isn’t even the messy part. I went down the YouTube rabbit hole. Tonight it was just straight music. Everything from Phantom of the Opera to Dru Hill to Disney to 3 Doors Down, with some Taylor Swift sprinkled in generously.

Songs I didn’t remember existed. Musicians I forgot were a thing.

The song that started the journey?“Let Me Go” by 3 Doors Down

Know when I realized maybe I need to put down the YouTube? When I hit Bow Wow. Young Bow Wow. When he was still Lil Bow Wow. At that point sanity returned and I realized that it is 3:30am and I am listening to Lil Bow Wow like it is important.

I can’t even blame this on mental health. The panic attack? Yes. Deciding I needed to hear that one song that made me cry when I was in high school but I couldn’t figure out which band it was that had 3 in the band name and needed to figure it out was purely messy brain. BTW, those 3 bands with the 3 in it: Third Eye Blind, 3 Doors Down, and 3 Days of Glory. That last one is a band, right? I can’t come up with a song, but it sounds like it should be a band. If it isn’t , I get royalties if you decide to use it. It probably is, though.

I’m gonna go take some Tylenol, chug a bottle of water, set 8 more alarms for every 3 minutes and completely understand how this is going to affect my Neuropsych testing I’m having done in 9 hours.

What songs lead you down the rabbit hole on YouTube? Please share. The more cringe worthy, the better.

That Black Squirrel Should Count It’s Blessings

Things are slowing down and some of it is completely out of my control. Some of it is my brain trying to insert it’s bs issues into my life in a much more aggressive way. My brain can f off right now. Does saying that help? Absolutely not. Well, maybe a little when it comes to .5 second of satisfaction.

Nonetheless, doing what I am capable of right now and I feel like I’m failing miserably. Of all times, I feel like I can’t let my mental health screw me over right now. Does that knowledge do anything? Again, absolutely not. If it did, my mental health wouldn’t be an issue.

Self-awareness right now is absolute torture. I know I could be capable of more. I know I need to do more. I know that everything I am doing right now is pretty time sensitive and that it is going to be a turning point in my life, so I need to be focused and motivated. Problem is: I am only vaguely motivated and my focus is as laser accurate as a a laser being used to play with a cat.

How am I coping? Honestly, this is the one that upsets me the most: resting. I can feel my body and brain desperately need it, but it feels wrong. I, also, am fully aware that if I was talking to anyone else in a similar situation I would not be telling them the same thing. I’m also doing my best to prioritize and make sure I’m doing something. Anything, really. There is just such a giant pile of things that need to be taken care of that I look at said pile mentally and then mentally sit down and just stare. I completely check out. Checking out is not helpful, nor is it healthy. Simple things right now also have a lot more steps than normal. For instance, there is a lot of cleaning involved to make any food. Also, right in this moment, I’m struggling to get the motivation up to put shoes on to go downstairs. I know I need to, but…my body isn’t listening when I tell it to to move.

Perspective time. I am doing much, much better than I would have been doing a year ago. I am not in an insurmountable amount of pain. I do have things I can accomplish and control on a small level that might hopefully build up. I love my people. They rock. I seriously cannot express how much my people amaze and humble me each day. I am seeing movement and I have not gone backwards. I haven’t made any choices that have set me back. I haven’t made any bad coping mechanism choices that have damaged my future. My choices are overall okay. Obviously I have areas I need to improve, and painfully so, but Im working on it.

I am finding good in each day and am not doubting my path forward. The path is just a little bit on an incline and has some slippery rocks. There are also so, so many things I am grateful for right now. I can’t even begin to list them all. Things are frustrating and slow, but so many good things to think about and grab on to.

I’m still sad and exhausted. I still have not moved to put shoes on and a cat has taken up residence on my lap. I still desperately need some snuggles or giggles….

BUT! I did accomplish a few things today and I still am holding out hope for this caffeine to kick in so I can do at least something more.

I would like to remind you that the people willing to be silly with you and share their ridiculousness are super important to hold onto. Seriously.

Few more closing points. I am not ready for Christmas music. I didn’t dress up for Halloween and now I feel like I have to make up for it and I’m curious about what that will lead to. I desperately want to get down to Iowa. The universe makes it easy to hoard books because I cant seem to sell any. Wildlife should be extremely happy I don’t run. I cannot see over my boobs to watch TV if I lay directly on my back. I need more hoodies. Might turn to crime for this one. It is socially acceptable crime, though and the “victim” will be aware it is happening and probably won’t actually stop me. Bats should be more popular. The real stories Moby Dick is based on are absolutely horrifying.

That is all for now. You rock and deserve awards.

All of the Hyper

Had a crappy day. A lot of symptoms of depression. A lot of exhaustion. A lot of pain.

I hid under the blankets for awhile by 5pm. I just stared at my closet door. Lost in nothing. Just staring…

Got up, got tipped into some psychology information searching, got on YouTube, just tried to not give into any negative coping mechanisms.

BAM!

Hyper!

Think ALL the things!

This, of course, happens at night. When I can’t really do anything. Enjoy it for a couple hours. Like the rush.

Then….

Anxiety. So much anxiety. The lovely second part of hypomania, sometimes. Sometimes I vacuum, or do impulsive things, or dance. Other times anxiety hits like a freaking cement truck and I just have to sit in it because I am definitely not going to be able to sleep for awhile.

My fix? A comfort movie with an amazing soundtrack. A Knight’s Tale. Love the quotes and costume, too. Just an all around good movie that give me good feelings. Plus, Paul Bettany and Alan Turdyk? Amazing cast. And of course, Heath Ledger…

I’m going to lay here with my Manu and use his purrs to center myself and take more anxiety meds when I can. I’m coping. That’s all I can do. Honestly.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. If you’ve ever felt this, you’re not alone. We’re in the same boat. What color shall our boat be? You pick. No brown. Ick.

The Shrinking of Circles and the Progress of Growth

Damn it! I wrote growth an remembered that I, once again, forgot to re-pot Kevin. Kevin is a plant of unknown species and is the only plant I’ve managed to keep alive. I think he does it out of spite. Either way, he is loved and I talk to him. It’s science.

Wow. I’m in a state of flux (purposeful Doctor Who reference). Extreme flux. Lots and lots of things are changing and happening. Alot of stuff that isn’t public knowledge yet and some of you are public, so I’ll catch you up sometime in the near future.

I guess at the center of the changes are people. I’m shrinking the circle again, and getting even pickier, while still making plans to do things like join a DND campaign and start having more tea parties. I’m also realizing what I need from the people in my life more than ever before and I am seeing it more and more now that I’m noticing. In noticing all of this I’ve become more assertive and been better with enforcing boundaries. That has always been a weakness of mine. Squiggly boundaries and people pleasing to the point of extreme depression.

Now, progress and growth. First of all, 2.5 years this past Friday, October 22nd, Ive been sober. Seriously. And my urges are almost non-existent and my mental health is decent despite the amount of life changes I’m going through and still the physical stuff that still hasn’t been figured out. I’m just happy with where I am and how I feel for the first time in a long time. I can see my own path and I’m excited to be on it.

This all sounds really vague. My bad. Details just need to be kept personal for a bit longer and it has been really hard to write without word vomiting all of the details out. Ive been trying to err on the side of caution.

More updates coming, and I plan on writing about some Shadow Work I am going to be attempting (with the help of my therapist). That’s all the info I can offer for future posts. I can make a random prediction: I find a random baby opossum completely out of season and it will live in the hoods of my hoodies.

Manipulation?

I have a thought. Probably not one that will be popular.

Those memes and quotes about “An apology without change is manipulation”. I call bullshit. Total bullshit.

Addiction and mental health can make it impossible to change overnight. If a person has mental health issues, even with intense therapy, change can come slow and mistakes, maybe the same mistakes as before, will be made. It takes extremely hard work and self-awareness while continuously fighting their instinctual behaviors that happen without thought.

Disclaimer: This is directed for those actively getting help. Mental health and addiction are not choices, but recover is your responsibility.

I have a ton of diagnoses that make behaving like a rational human being damn near impossible. I was in therapy for 19 years and while I progressed, the biggest problems were really messing my entire life up no matter how hard I tried or how much therapy, or how many support groups I did. I started therapy at age 14. Started addiction recovery at 28. Until I was 32 and finally got the correct diagnosis and medications, it felt impossible. It finally set my brain chemicals regular enough that I can regulate my emotions. Now I’m finding underlying health issues and deeper layers of trauma.

I made a ton of mistakes. So many. I hurt so many people. I screwed up my life so horribly. Did I do that on purpose? Hell no. Some of those mistakes were made over and over because I couldn’t deal with my emotions (Look up Borderline Personality Disorder, don’t read the blogs bashing people who have it.) I relapsed so many times because I felt like I needed to numb myself or commit suicide. That is how strong it was. Did I want to drink? No. I felt I needed to.

This is just to point out that what may look like refusal to change might mean the person is still looking for ways to be better and then be able to actually apply them well enough to work and finding what works might take a long time.

Be patient with us. If it is something you can’t or won’t tolerate, say that. Don’t say we are manipulating you because we aren’t. If we are taking treatment seriously then that is literally all we can do and it might take a while to get to a point that you will see dramatic changes.

I said what I said. I will not be taking any questions at this point 😉