Scrolling through my Facebook feed, I found a blog post.
This blog post almost made me cry.
Shame about parenting mistakes made because of my addiction. Wow. That is a loaded subject. I have fucked up royally while drunk.
I have quite a bit of shame, still, and I still have concerns about who I share my addiction issues with. I am usually pretty open, though, and it usually helps me out in the long run.
I have therapy and a recovery coach every week to help me through the whole process and this blog helps me tons. I also have an amazing support system including an online group of friends who are always there for me.
I am recovering from an addiction by choosing to not imbibe any form of addictive drug, including, and most important for me, alcohol. I cannot and will not ever out alcohol in my system ever again. My life and family are too important.
There. I said it, in a very public form nonetheless. If you were ever confused about my status with wine, there it is. Plain as day. As open as I try to be, those sentences are still a sore spot for me. I hate how much time I’ve wasted. I’ve officially not been living at home for a year now. I know it has been necessary, but for me it is still fucked up and I still cry when I have to leave Whimzy sometimes or because of my situation that she gets help or experiences things with other people.
The worst part? She remembers some of it. A relative warned me that Whimzy would remember and it hurts so much that that wasn’t enough to make me stay sober. She remembers coming home to find me after a suicide attempt and my precious 9 year old asked her dad if I was dead. I am so ashamed of that.
Obviously I still carry alot of that guilt and shame with me. It hurts. I’ve very rarely actually gotten adverse reaction when I say I’m in recovery, but I remember the reactions before I was able to quit. There was a lot of blame and a lot of people gave up on me. Some of those people still aren’t back in my life. Another thing that makes me ashamed, that I pushed away friends and family in active addiction.
But, hey, I’m sober. I now can start to mend those wounds for me and my daughter, who goes to therapy so that I can help her heal before she becomes an adult and has that trauma induced mindset that turns so many people depressed, anxious, and to abuse substances. This train starts and stops with me.
It is all normal. What I’m going through isn’t abnormal. How I’m going through it is normal and healthy. It is taking work. I have at least another hour of therapy work to do before my appointment tomorrow.
If me being open helps even one person even an iota, then this is worth it.