2020. Glad it is over, but I know this doesn’t mean it is going to magically fix every thing. Everything is still the same.
Honestly, the beginning of last year was amazing. I was motivated and ready to take in the world. Then I got mono AND strep. Had to take another month off of work and by the middle of January I was back and ready to get back on track. Routines, cleaning, cooking, self-care, motivation, productive, waking up early, etc…
Then BAM! Sometime in the beginning of April a depressive episode hit.
Then, YAY! 1 YEAR SOBER! Treated myself to a few things off my Amazon wishlist and Ty bought me a new pair of Converses and a stuffed chicken. The chicken was a nod to The Bloggess and an online support group that got together because we all love Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess). Their unconditional support and Jenny’s blog was a huge part of my recovery. I think they were actually kind of my version of a recovery support group. I love them all so hard.
After a few days of giddiness it crashed and back to depressed. The days dragged on. Then my 33rd bday. My friends sent me a sash and a tiara and I wore a neon rainbow tutu and wore all the glitter. It lasted long enough to take pictures. Then I stripped back down and his under blankets on the couch. I was supposed to go get my birthday cake. I absolutely love cake, and I couldn’t even do that. Ty and Whimzy went and got it and bought me a stuffed goat. He is snuggly.
Continued depression… continued depression. Wait! I don’t feel horrible! Maybe it is lifting. 3 days later: psyche! Depression continues.
At this point I really need to add in how the world affected this. First burned up koalas. An eye opening series of events that have seriously educated me so much about racism and what POC go through. It hurts my heart. So much history we weren’t told. So much violence and subjugation. My town went up in flames after a black man was shot in the back 7 times by a cop. A 17-year old vigilante murdered two people and severely injured another. I learned about some questionable practices and events my police department has and how racist our sheriff is. Which is weird, but not surprising. He was the cop at my high school out in the county and apparently he wasn’t great there either. I never had any issues, but I never really dealt with him.
Riots everywhere. More murders by police on video. People running protesters over. Children being pepper sprayed. White supremacists. An evil and short sighted president encouraging violence. A governor almost kidnapped and shot by right wing extremists. Watching the entire world burn in another record setting wildfire season or be blown away by a record number of hurricanes.
Covid-19. A completely failed example of how to not slow a pandemic down. Anti-maskers. People not caring if their actions lead to the death of others. New York burying bodies in parks because they ran out of room. Refrigerated trucks across the country filled with Covid-19 victims. Covid having long-term effects. Covid-deniers. The president downplaying it on tape, didn’t change anything. An insane phenomenon of people still supporting Trump, even today. Almost 350,000 people dead. Gone. Forever. People who could still be here for their loved ones if better decisions had been made by a plethora of people. There is plenty blame to spread. Insanity. That’s what it has been. Insanity. Inequity in healthcare of people of color and white people. More POC dying than white people, despite being a smaller population. ER’s having to start making decisions on who will get care because there isn’t enough equipment, staff, or room. More people dying because of it and medical professionals dying trying to help people, being traumatized to help people. Putting their families lives at risk to help while people gaslight and say that they are lying and it isn’t that bad. It is just like the flu.
EPA restrictions lifted. Sacred indigenous people’s burial sites dug up for a wall that is being built because of hate and racism. Indigenous land being ruined. Indigenous people dying in scary numbers. The first time Doctors Without Borders has ever had to come to the United States to help the Navajo Nation survive.
QAnon and insanely dangerous and nonsensical conspiracy theories. The Evangelicals worshipping Trump who tear gassed a crowd to take a picture with a Bible that wasn’t his in front of a church that didn’t want him there. People in power making decisions that are seriously hurting people and making the rest of the world pity us. Out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Out of WHO. Falsifying scientific data. Politics take over the CDC. Lies about everything. So much fear, violence, hatred, and death. So much desperation.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. Women across the country are scared of how that will affect our health and how we decide to take care of our own bodies. Scared of religious principles taking over instead of the principles the country was based on. Tears. So many tears.
AOC and Bernie. Politicians that care, are smart, and are fighting for everyone. Intelligence and feisty, making me proud to be in their side. There are more like them. Diversity growing in the government. More compassion coming through. Eventually it will overcome the hate and selfishness that we have bright now.
Joe Biden is president-elect. He won. Trump still hasn’t concedes and is still declaring voting fraud despite almost all of this legal actions failing. Twitter fact checking him. People believing him. His encouragement of the Proud Boys possibly leading to violence at Biden’s inauguration. More violence across the country during protests. Portland going crazy.
Economy crashing. Record high unemployment. People becoming homeless. The absolute minimum being done by the government to help small businesses and families. Virtual school. The strength of our educators. Food banks. Hungry.
The opposite of all that being shown across the country in people trying to help each other. Despite all of the vileness in the world right now there is so much beauty and love. People coming together to demand better lives for POC and to fight racism, prejudice, and hate. Learning so we can be better allies. LGBTQ+ communities afraid of their rights being taken away. Their families preparing for the worst and setting up legal protection and ways to escape.
Nazis. Excuse my language, but people actually fucking calling themselves Nazis. Flags of hate flying with pride. Confederate flags being outlawed. History of hatred and oppression being exposed and meaures taken to remedy the reminders of the pain people endured because of hate.
Family. Watching Whimzy grow into herself. Her, me, and and my absolute best friend eating sushi AND HER LIKING IT! Watching her art improve and improve. Watching her totally rock virtual school. Hearing her giggling in the next room face timing her friends.
Talking to my best friend every single day. It is amazing. I can’t even express how much the conversations mean to me.
Ty, seeing me stay sober, and his patience and support growing. Him helping more while I can’t even get out of bed.
Just so much. So much has changed, getting so much worse and so much better. I haven’t been hospitalized this year. I haven’t sprained an ankle this year. I got to start updating my dining room furniture and seriously declutter and organize a good chunk of it.
Here we go again. The start to a year that could turn things around. Not this second, but eventually. Things will never be the same again. 2020 has damaged the fabric of so many things. It will need seen as a year that was a turning point. Hopefully, despites continued issues it can be seen as a catalyst that pushed forward the elimination of prejudice and practices that happen because of it. There can be good that comes out of the tragedies we’ve had in 2020. It will just take love over hate.