Important Life Skills Part I

Between not living at home (both me and Whimzy) I haven’t had the time with her to work on cooking or cleaning. I decided that this Sunday for as long as she is here we would work on some recipes for the week.

Behold! Our first recipe!

Fruity Pebble Yogurt Parfait

She got all decked out in Christmas gear and helped out.

She warmed up to it.

I saw the pic on Pinterest but wasn’t able to go far enough down the rabbit hole to find it again, so if you have a source please let me know! It is a layer of vanilla yogurt, sliced bananas, and fruity pebbles. Repeat the layers and voila! You’re done! I used little plastic cups and covered them with press and seal. My husband tried one and said they were yummy ( I may be paraphrasing a bit).

It was fun and we aren’t done! ❤

Making Up For Lost Time

Disclaimer: In the following post I will be going into female bodily functions and fluids. You have been warned.

A few years ago I got my fallopian tubes removed. Not just tied, because they can come untied and you still end up with baby. Despite the fact that I couldn’t get pregnant my periods sucked hardcore so I got an IUD, an intrauterine device, which is inserted directly into the opening in your cervix. I got the one that also has hormones in it, so I haven’t had a full period in about 4 years.

Well, I got it out this past Monday. It was super uncomfortable. Then I got my period on Wednesday. All of those periods that didn’t happen decided to come out of my vagina in one fell swoop. Same with hormones. I’m absolutely miserable.

Having girl parts sucks. Excuse me while I go curl up in a ball with a heating pad and my cat and cry. Please send chocolate and carbs.

Stagnating

I spent the last 4 nights at home with my family and cats. Tonight I go back to my rented room for 5 nights. I’ve been almost in tears since I woke up because I know that tonight I won’t be in my safe place with the people I love. October 26th was my official anniversary of moving out of my house. I’ve been gone a year. I hate it.

I feel like I’m stuck and I can’t move towards any of my other goals because I’m not home. Long term routines and goals center around me being at home. I’m struggling with patience. I want to keep my progress going. I refuse to fall backwards, even when I am super depressed like I have been lately. I understand that forward progress doesn’t have to happen every day, but Im not enjoying standing still.

More than progress, though, is that I am not where I should be for the 2 most important people in my life. I want to be home with my daughter every night and not making my husband have to spend extra time driving to get me to and from my rented place every night and morning.

There are so many ways I could be doing better if I was home again.

I’m going to get there, though. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Obligatory Grateful Post…With Sloths!

Sloths come at the end!

Every year I try to do this. This year I am really trying to focus on the silly little things that I take for granted and need to think about more.

  • The fact that my cats will still lick and kiss me even though I just put face lotion on and probably taste horrible.
  • The plastic cover for my overflow drain on my tub that gives me a few extra inches of water.
  • The fact that I rarely worry about my daughter because I know that she is super loved everywhere she is.
  • Ty always buys me energy drinks whenever he buys himself one.
  • My bestie calling me when she feels down because she knows I love her.
  • That extra couple of degrees we turned the water heater up.
  • The way autumn smells.
  • That sense of relief when the anti anxiety meds kick in.
  • That feeling when I realize I’m not anxious.
  • Bras, because duh. Lol
  • The shoes I get in the kids department.
  • My roommate’s cat escapes from the dog and comes and sleeps on my hip.
  • Getting a hug from a little person at work.
  • Grape soda. (I’ve been having weird cravings for it lately.)
  • Bergamot and sage. Healing and cleansing. The fact that no one has seemed to mind me sage-ing just about everywhere I’ve lived.
  • The ridiculously cute little kneading thing my cats do on my favorite pillow.
  • Facebook puns.
  • Being able to buy new unicorn stickers for my planner.
  • The noise fans make at night that help me sleep.
  • Manu, my cat, puts his one paw out to touch me whenever we are in proximity to each other.
  • I always have Whimzy drawings and a badass note from Becky in my planner.
  • I get to see Whimzy randomly throughout the day and I get so excited to see her.
  • My couch is big enough for me, Ty, and Whimzy to comfortably be on.
  • Saturday night movie night with Dollar Store snacks and Marcos Pizza.
  • The fact that Robin Williams ever existed.
  • My nice serveware that I bought for myself a while back that makes me feel like I have it together somewhat.
  • The fact that the following things managed to happen or exist within the short period of time I’m on Earth: Pokemon, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Star Wars, cameras in my pocket, The Bloggess and her fan group on FB, Felicia Day, Neil Patrick Harris, Tim Curry, Emma Watson, Ty and Whimzy, my cats, Amanda, feather pillows, air conditioning, indoor plumbing, gel pens, sloths, ducks, Narwhals, penguins, CATS, memory foam, deodorant, razors, sassy planner stickers, Hot Topic jewelry, Squirrel Girl, Spice Girls, Dean Martin…. I mean, I could keep going forever. Things are amazing

As promised, sloths.

And llamas! It is about 9 inches long. Got it at Hobby Lobby 50% off!

So, there you have it. Please share your tiny things.

My Next Post Will Have Sloths

I’ve been depressed with extremely high levels of anxiety lately, with the fun addition of double pink eye and some sort of horrible viral crap that made me miserable. My cat still has a cone, too. All in all, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy. It is hard for me to write when I’m like that. I can share tons of memes and such on FB, but things I’ve written are few and far between. That all being said, I am starting to feel a little bit better. This morning was absolute anxiety ridden hell, but I survived the day and am feeling the pride of not letting the impulse of unhealthy coping mechanisms win.

Things are okay, though. I got to stay home at Ty’s a bunch last week because I needed to watch over kitty and this is a short work week, so I will be staying here with my hubby and daughter extra nights this week, too. Still working. Got to spend some time with my bestie over the weekend, got some Christmas shopping done….

But, of course, tomorrow will be the obligatory thankful post before Thanksgiving actually hits and I’m in too much of a food coma to type. Im gonna try to be as specific as possible, though, and really focus on the teensy tiny things because those are the things that got me through the last few weeks.

Btw, I got some amazing Christmas decor this past weekend. I will definitely be posting pics during my grateful post. Sloths are involved. I basically just bribed you with sloths to read my next post.

Cat Cones, Part 2: Anxiety

Took Manu to the vet. He is fine. Antibiotic shot, and antibiotic cream (we were already using Neosporin), and the cone is still on for a couple more days.

Sigh of relief is an understatement. I have spent this entire time on the edge of an anxiety attack. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and him to die. I know, dramatic. I knew that, somewhere in my mind, but I also was convinced that I was just being realistic and that if I didn’t do everything possible that it was going to be absolutely horrible and he was going to die. Again, with the die-thing.

I think he is mad at us, he is barely cuddling.

This had a point, I’m sure of it. I am just so relieved I don’t remember what it is. Also, I need to buy a new ottoman.

How Cat Cones Make Depression Worse

Things were going great. Too great.

I crashed. My depression, mood swings, and anxiety have been pretty bad these last couple of weeks and aggravated by a few things.

The two that I’m gonna mention are physical pain and my favorite cat (also known as my most effective coping mechanism) getting hurt.

The migraines have slowed down. Thank God. My back, however, has kept getting worse. I went to physical therapy this past Thursday and turns out that yeah, I do have some issues with my piriformous, but my hips were all crooked. My one leg was longer than the other. We did some adjusting and was warned that I’d be sore. Oh my Goddess, am I. It hurts.

Then, Manu. My poor Manu. After physical therapy he came out from under our ottoman (his favorite spot) and had a scrape on his side. I, being almost completely driven by anxiety at this point, automatically thought we needed to rush him to the animal ER and I spent the whole night crying and having nightmares. He was much better yesterday morning and I was with him all night. He is secluded in our bedroom with a cone. He’s not overly happy, but better than getting a crazy infection from him licking it. I have never felt as loved from any living creature as I did when I got home yesterday and he had been alone all day and all night. All the love and affection.

Now it is Saturday morning. Hubby is playing video games, progeny is drawing and watching memes, and I put dinner in the crock pot and am now at a loss. Right now my coned cat is laying on me purring, so I guess that is what I am doing right now. I’m being cat furniture.

Might give Manu some catnip in the cone later….yay or nay?

This all being said, I’m working on my moods. Not as hard as I should be, but after pushing myself through work everyday feeling like this, I honestly am lucky I can drive the few blocks home. Updates soon on what I do to help myself out. Hint:there is a point in which I peel my face off.

All Bette….Wait? What?!?

As I’ve posted alot lately, I have been feeling alot better emotionally.

On the flip side of the coin, I’ve been getting debilitating headaches and my back has been in constant pain again. It got bad enough that I went to the doctor. I am now the proud owner of migraines the piriformous syndrome I had before is back and has spread to both sides while having a negative effect on the rest of my back.

On the bright side, I still managed to get the house clean and cook for my Doctor Who get together. It was totally worth it.

Time Lord Soda
Bowties Are Cool Pasta Salad
Cassandra Lasagna

Preach, Sista!

Scrolling through my Facebook feed, I found a blog post.

This blog post almost made me cry.

Shame about parenting mistakes made because of my addiction. Wow. That is a loaded subject. I have fucked up royally while drunk.

I have quite a bit of shame, still, and I still have concerns about who I share my addiction issues with. I am usually pretty open, though, and it usually helps me out in the long run.

I have therapy and a recovery coach every week to help me through the whole process and this blog helps me tons. I also have an amazing support system including an online group of friends who are always there for me.

I am recovering from an addiction by choosing to not imbibe any form of addictive drug, including, and most important for me, alcohol. I cannot and will not ever out alcohol in my system ever again. My life and family are too important.

There. I said it, in a very public form nonetheless. If you were ever confused about my status with wine, there it is. Plain as day. As open as I try to be, those sentences are still a sore spot for me. I hate how much time I’ve wasted. I’ve officially not been living at home for a year now. I know it has been necessary, but for me it is still fucked up and I still cry when I have to leave Whimzy sometimes or because of my situation that she gets help or experiences things with other people.

The worst part? She remembers some of it. A relative warned me that Whimzy would remember and it hurts so much that that wasn’t enough to make me stay sober. She remembers coming home to find me after a suicide attempt and my precious 9 year old asked her dad if I was dead. I am so ashamed of that.

Obviously I still carry alot of that guilt and shame with me. It hurts. I’ve very rarely actually gotten adverse reaction when I say I’m in recovery, but I remember the reactions before I was able to quit. There was a lot of blame and a lot of people gave up on me. Some of those people still aren’t back in my life. Another thing that makes me ashamed, that I pushed away friends and family in active addiction.

But, hey, I’m sober. I now can start to mend those wounds for me and my daughter, who goes to therapy so that I can help her heal before she becomes an adult and has that trauma induced mindset that turns so many people depressed, anxious, and to abuse substances. This train starts and stops with me.

It is all normal. What I’m going through isn’t abnormal. How I’m going through it is normal and healthy. It is taking work. I have at least another hour of therapy work to do before my appointment tomorrow.

If me being open helps even one person even an iota, then this is worth it.

Cats: The Best Antidepressant

Disclaimer: Although cats are amazing, they are in fact not the best antidepressant. Antidepressants are the best antidepressant. I am pro-medication.

I’ve had an emotional few days. Quite the rollercoaster. I discovered that even though my brain chemicals are functioning better I still have to work through a lot of trauma. I had a complete and total melt down last night for about 10 minutes and it plunged me back into the darkness. It only lasted that 10 minutes, but if was fucking scary. I thought because I have had trauma therapy and have been in almost continuous therapy for over half of my life that once my happy chemicals started working again that the trauma wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I was wrong. Very wrong. Turns out that now that I am functioning better psychologically I have to deal with the trauma all over again because I never really dealt with it before. I spent my entire life trying to run, repress it, pretend it didn’t exist, and numb it. Now that the mood stabilizers are in full effect, the real work begins.

That all being said, I also have had some really amazing moments and happy times. Still working through things financially with a lawyer, but I was able to budget stuff out and actually get alot of the stuff me and my family need. I also had an amazing time with friends last night and then had an amazing day at work. My husband bought me flowers for the first time in a very long time and it motivated me because he is obviously seeing major improvement in me so much that the romance is starting to return. I worked a full 8 hours, had my daughter’s school conference, went shopping for some shirts for work, and have come back to hubby’s place and have been doing housework.

Flowers my husband bought me and I got us an eraser set from the book fair. He got the dargon 😉

Who the hell am I and where did the real me go?

Back to the cat thing. I spent $8 on a pineapple costume for my favorite cat. That 45 seconds of him being in it was well worth it. I also cuddle them when I need to rejuvenate. Their purrs sooth my soul.

Last thing. I have a new snail mail buddy and I am stupid excited about it.

Crystals, a journal, a Star Trek candle, Manatea diffuser, narwhal lights, a shell, and then some succulents that need to be planted.

I obviously am so ridiculously lucky to have the life I have, even if it has taken way longer than I would have preferred.

I lied. This is the last thing. The Scholastic book fair at my work was this week. It had an artic theme. The librarian made me absolutely giddy because she gave me one of the decorations.

It is going to go in my meditation/craft/library room at my hubby’s place.