Sigh. If you follow me on any of my platforms, you’ve probably noticed a lack of activity and/or a lot of complaining. I’m miserable. I’ve been sick and sleeping ALOT and that is compounding the depression. I’m really sick and really depressed while sleeping a ridiculous amount and having the energy of a snail with a thyroid problem. Needless to say, I’m pretty much not functioning as an actual human at this point. When I do manage to push through, there are migraines, body pains, falling asleep against my will doing random things, just a lot of the things that you’d get if you were sleep deprived. This, after about 5 hours of being awake. No joke. Sleep study and MRA coming. Hopefully they will show something besides my brain waves are off. This sets the tone for the rest of the post.
I also had a really good friend die recently. We weren’t close so much anymore, but he had been a really giant part of my life for a few years. I went to his funeral. Managed to sit before the ceremony for about 20 minutes while trying to not cry. I then went out to my Jeep, ugly cried for an hour, drove the hour back to my town, still ugly crying bad enough that I had to pull over because I knew I shouldn’t be driving, then came home, cried some more, and passed out. I ended up sleeping for about 4 days straight afterwards and I was questioning a lot. Of the 4 main people of this friend group, only half of us are left and I’m only 33. It is terrifying and heartbreaking. Just the raw emotion opened a dam and I went from not being able to release the tension to over-crying. I’m afraid to wear mascara most of the time right now. It is not fun.
Also, my f’in lady organs. I’m done. Yank them all out. Throw them away. Donate them. I don’t care. My period comes with extremely bad cramps and lower back pain. It also comes with an increase in depression for 11 days of the month. So, almost half. The increase often leads to not healthy, possibly dangerous thought patterns. I asked for a hysterectomy because birth control messes with me physically , as well as the emotional nonsense, and not having it tortures me for half of the month and the cramps are worse. The doctor is insisting I go through at least 3 months of oral contraceptives. I’m not thrilled. One month left and I did switch doctors again, and this time it is a woman, so I’m hoping we can discuss it next next appt. Not having anymore babies. Just get it all out.
The world. Specifically, our country. I’m not gonna go on about this. I don’t know how to in a way that would be productive and that someone else isn’t doing. I’m learning, reading, listening. I might be recommending some books about things related, but other than Kyle Rittenhouse, I probably will only mention things in passing. I will be posting about him because it is personal. It happened in my community. I have the knowledge and insight with him to express rational opinions and explain my emotions about it.
For a long time, I’ve questioned my reasoning for writing about my nonstop problems and my internal struggles. I felt like maybe I was attention seeking, trying to play victim, or get pity. Maybe, all, at some point. Sure, yes. I know that those things do influence why most people expose themselves like this. I’m not claiming to be completely altruistic. It does help me heal, though. When people say that I’ve helped them in some way with this, or people compliment me on my authenticity for being so open, it motivates me even more. I’m helping myself and hopefully helping others who feel similar. A lot of people fight these battles alone or in secret. If me being open helps them at all, it is worth any scorn or negativity I get from doing this. To be honest, that has been hardly any, but I’m not popular, so…. If you can, share your story. You could really help people. Or just say you understand. Or just be kind. There are so many things you can do to help humankind just by being you.
We are going end on a better note. Yesterday, on 4/22/21, I hit 2 years sober. It wasn’t as magical as last year’s was because of how I’ve been feeling, but i have been thinking about where I was and how far I’ve come. I’m finally coming out from under the umbrella of the addiction. My life isn’t revolving as much around my feelings about the addiction or what I thought I needed to do out of guilt. shame, or obligation. I’m finding bits and pieces of myself. Kinda. Still searching for my identity, but I’m setting some small parts in stone. Things that don’t seem important from the outside, but are definitely making a difference. I’m an animal freak. I should just sell all my earthly possessions, put my cats on leashes, and go devote my life to a random animal rescue. I’ve seriously considered it. Who I want to be around is really becoming clear. I need certain types of people in my life. I need people who will love me for me, my authentic self. I’m referring more to the awkward Star Trek jokes, current oppossum obsession, the amount of glitter make up I have, my struggles and how open I am with them, and my dramatic shifts in….well….me…, more than most of the other things that make up me, like cooking and liking a lot of pillows. Those aren’t too bizarre. Like my bestie, who even though she is obscenely busy with school, she still cooks ridiculous dinners, reads, and manages to talk to me and deal with my nonsense. We just started a 2 person book club. I have until the 6th to finish the book for the month. I picked this month’s. It was, of course, Broken by Jenny Lawson. I write about her and the community I am in because of her quite a bit. A hero and inspiration to me. It is supposed to be hilarious and poignant. I just….haven’t. I’ll get it done, though. I got this.
Yes, I got this. Even when it feels like I don’t. Even when it doesn’t look like I am a functioning human, I am still in my head and battling myself. That might be life, who knows. At least I’m getting better at it.
Thanks everyone who read this. It means alot. Thank you for helping me through, or at least watching what is going on, over the last 2 years. I’ve needed to vent, and this page has always been a safe place for that. I love you. I may not know you, but if people can hate people they don’t know, I can love. *I didn’t come up with that, so if you know the original sayer (wtf?!?!?) please let me know.
Optimism and Caffeine 