No, I am not PMS’ing.
I went from feeling rainbowfully (I made it up, but have decided to keep using it) fabulous 90% of my day to being almost paralyzed with anxiety. I tried doing the healthy thing, meditating and exercising.
Turns out, I have a child.
Both healthy ways were interrupted repeatedly by questions, random loud noises, and her crawling under me while trying to do yoga poses.
So, I made her play quiet games after dinner and I tried doing some breathing exercises.
Nothing. I still feel like I am about to jump out of my own skin.
Where did this come from?
What triggered it? I mean, I was fine at work, surrounded by strangers and acquaintances. In fact, I felt wonderful. I had goals, I had motivation, and I had optimism.
Now, after barely muddling through homework and feeding my kid, I have anxiety, tension, irritability, and lethargy.
For absolutely no damn reason.
I am finally giving in and taking my “as needed during the day” anxiety medicine. I have been working through most anxiety with sleep, cuddling, and plain stubbornness. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work every time.
So, I plan on curling up in bed obnoxiously early and letting the wonderful effects of Kava tea, sedatives, and ridiculously high thread count sheets kick in.
Just to make myself feel worse about giving up (because I am a glutton for punishment and it was already running through my head every 10 seconds anyways and maybe if I express it concretely then it will stop torturing me *note, all within parentheses until the asterisk should be read/imagined as being said in a manic tone in one breath with a slight glint of madness in my eyes), here is the list of the things that I was planning on accomplishing and will not be:
*reading, actually, I suppose my goal was to finish the book.
*put 1 month worth of photos into my photo album
*research for Ty’s anniversary present
*2 loads of laundry
*dig out supplies for my second recipe binder and set them up for use later in the week
*clean out the fridge
*solid 20 minute workout (I got about 10 in before I almost exploded from frustration)
*long, soak in the bath tub and a hydrating hair masque
*febreezing living room furniture and curtains
*painting mine and Whimzy’s nails
*write in my dysfunctions journal
So, there you have it. The things that will not be done today because I feel like anxiety has won for tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day. Those things will be rolled over to tomorrow and I will just have more to do. Tomorrow, maybe my motivation will return. Tomorrow, I will be rainbowfully fabulous again. Unfortunately, I have to get through these next 45 minutes of being awake with a small child before I can guiltlessly sedate myself and give into the perfect pleasure of having as many pillows as I do.
Until then (both tomorrow and guiltless abandon), I fully plan on staring at the ceiling and ignoring the growing headache.
Sweet dreams my virtual (or maybe non-existent) audience!
Until next time…