Happy Pills

Due to my ill planning, I went 2 mornings without my anti-depressants. 

It really puts my “progress” into perspective.  Or maybe, it takes it completely out of perspective and puts it back in my depressed, paranoid, escapist, mind frame. 

Basically, I feel icky.

Better word?  Emotional, sappy, drained, exhausted, weepy, hungry, unmotivated, sad, irritable, sleepy….I could really keep going.  I want to be asleep and not in my own brain.  I want to eat pasta, things that are deep fried with lots of cheese, and even more bacon.  I want fluffy pj pants, an AC on full force, a fuzzy blanket, and lots of pillows.  I want to be able to think logically again.

I want my stupid pills to kick in.  I want to want to do things.  I want to feel like I have made some sort of progress in the last 4 years. Right now, I don’t.  Right now, my chemicals hate me.  It’s my fault, and in a couple days, I’ll be back to normal, or on my way to my normal.

It just sucks that I am so dependent on my meds.  I hate it.  Time to call my psychiatrist. 

In the mean time, I am going to put my contacts in, put some make up on, get my kid dressed, and walk next door to my sister’s new apartment and be a big sister. 

I am also going to cry over Star Trek Deep Space 9, because that is where I am right now.  I am watching Space Trek and sobbing.  “Our baby would have been so beautiful”…as she dies….lovely.  Thank you, so much 90’s sci-fi drama.  You are actively working against my happy pills to make me cry.  Yet, I can’t turn away.  Poor Warf…


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