I have this deep seeded apathy for life right now, veering more towards negative feelings. I don’t want anything. I don’t want to do anything. In fact, all that sounds even remotely desirable is going to sleep.
There is a tiny version of me in the back of my mind, with painted toe nails, a cute outfit, wielding a sword trying to stab her way through the fog of this depressive episode. The rest of my brain is eyeing her with something akin to jealousy because she obviously still has some sass left. The real me can’t even fight enough to put real clothes on. She will win eventually, she always does, but until the fog lifts a bit, her sword won’t do her any good. Until my brain chemicals shift, that fog is staying right where it is.
It is days like this that I am afraid to put eye make up on because I will probably cry it off. Why bother putting on a cute outfit? I am just going to feel terrible anyways. This pressure on my chest? It makes it hard to breathe. I’m afraid if I start feeling things right now, it will be just me curled up somewhere crying. Why? I don’t know. Wait, yes I do. My brain is sick, or at least not functioning properly.
Like that one saying “Some days aren’t worth chewing through the restraints”, some days I just don’t have the energy to help the tiny part of me that is still fighting.
Maybe I just need a good cry.
Maybe I just need some cheesy hashbrowns. I don’t have the necessary ingredients, and even if I did, I’m not sure I would have the drive to make them.
I know, I’m rambling, but I am trying to write myself out of this fog. It isn’t working.
My brain just wants to shut down, sleep until this is over.