Tug of War

I didn’t get into the SMART online meeting, which sucks.  Apparently you have to try to get into the chat room really early.  Oops. So, I’ve decided to do some therapeutic writing.

One of the huge things that I don’t think that people who aren’t suffering from a mental illness realize is the enormous amount of self-control and energy it takes to do things that most people take for granted. Every moment of every single day for me is a struggle. A struggle to not have an anxiety attack, a struggle to make myself do normal things, a struggle to not want to drink, a struggle to not cry, a struggle to interact with other people. Every moment is a tug of war between my will and my mental illness(s).

Quite frankly, it is exhausting. There are days that putting a pair of pants on is an accomplishment. There are days that not reacting in an unhealthy manner to a normal issue is a HUGE accomplishment. I am forced to dissect most of my major decisions, and some minor ones, because there is a good chance that my perspective is skewed because of my disease. I have to write out why I should not be sad. I have to write out why I should not drink. I have to write out why I should do something productive.

All of this while my depression is trying to convince me that nothing is worth it. That is how I feel most of the time; nothing is worth it. Laundry and dishes? They are just going to pile up again, why bother? Pants? I don’t really want to go anywhere that requires pants. If I just lay here, I probably won’t have an attack or make any bad decisions. And then I lie there, and have a panic attack because I feel like a failure for not getting up and doing something. Or, I get up and do something only to have an anxiety attack because I become overwhelmed.

I am going to keep forcing myself, though. I am going to go and have a wonderful family day tomorrow, even if I feel incapable of enjoying it. I am going to fix my marriage, if it takes forever. I am going to lose weight, because I want to. All of these things, I am capable of. Right? Right.

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