Every time I start to gain some traction, I throw myself off track in a probably disastrous and definitely harmful way.
Every time, I wake up the next morning feeling worthless.
It is this ridiculous cycle that repeats itself at different intervals.
I will not go into the possibilities of why I do this. Psychoanalyzing one’s self can be dangerous.
Nonetheless, I obviously need to find a different way of moving forward.
My idea? Find myself and make myself see my own worth.
I do not want to need somebody validating my existence or worth.
Maybe I will become an alpaca farmer scholar, or maybe I just need to focus on improving myself a little everyday.
First goal? Make my apartment something to be proud of. This means cleaning more, keeping it up, and making sure that I have dinner on the table every night.
Also, the money we are going to save not eating out is going to go towards décor and upgrading stuff we already have.
It is going to be harder than it sounds. I get exhausted and anxious so easily that a full day of cleaning sounds like torture. I am going to work on it though, and push forward.
On the upside, my therapist wants me to take a two days before our next session to do absolutely nothing except things I want to do and write down how I feel. I’m excited for my first “nothing” day. We are taking a different approach to my therapy, because the old way wasn’t working.
“A wonderful accident of stardust.”
-Gods and Monsters
^My new favorite quote.