Recovery is a selfish process. A person needs to focus entirely on him or herself. For me, this is hard.
The meetings, therapy, the 25 hours of talking and listening a week is easy. The hard part? I saw my daughter for 15 minutes today because I went to an NA meeting and I am not trusted enough to take care of her during the day. This is happening more often. 15 minutes before she goes to bed, or a few snuggles in the morning. She does not understand what is going on, but I feel like I’m drifting away from her. I haven’t talked to her teachers since “the incident”. I’m too humiliated to even ask to go with to pick her up from school. She didn’t want to hug me tonight. I went in the bathroom and let a couple tears out, gained composure, and got to making my schedules for the week and working on plans for next weekend.
I need to focus on not drinking, on recovery. I need to go to these meetings and this therapy, but it makes me feel like less of a part of the family. I feel useless and like I don’t quite be belong. I miss family dinners, playing with Whimzy after school, cuddling and watching movies.
I just hope that if I work hard, stay sober, and keep up my recovery, that I will earn trust back and become a stay-at-home mom again, spend afternoons cuddling my daughter and make family dinners.
Until then I will just cry a few times in the bathroom, get my emotions out, and remember that this takes time.