Eventually

Recovery is a selfish process. A person needs to focus entirely on him or herself.  For me, this is hard.

The meetings, therapy, the 25 hours of talking and listening a week is easy.  The hard part?  I saw my daughter for 15 minutes today because I went to an NA meeting and I am not trusted enough to take care of her during the day.  This is happening more often.  15 minutes before she goes to bed, or a few snuggles in the morning.  She does not understand what is going on, but I feel like I’m drifting away from her.  I haven’t talked to her teachers since “the incident”.  I’m too humiliated to even ask to go with to pick her up from school.  She didn’t want to hug me tonight.  I went in the bathroom and let a couple tears out, gained composure, and got to making my schedules for the week and working on plans for next weekend.

I need to focus on not drinking, on recovery.  I need to go to these meetings and this therapy, but it makes me feel like less of a part of the family.  I feel useless and like I don’t quite be belong.  I miss family dinners, playing with Whimzy after school, cuddling and watching movies.

I just hope that if I work hard, stay sober, and keep up my recovery, that I will earn trust back and become a stay-at-home mom again, spend afternoons cuddling my daughter and make family dinners.

Eventually.

Until then I will just cry a few times in the bathroom, get my emotions out, and remember that this takes time.

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