It has been one hell of a 7 days.
Let’s start with the good things. I have an amazing family, specifically my close family including my friends and adopted family. And even more specifically, my daughter. She went through a weekend full of a funeral, zoos, fireworks, and new people like a little queen. She charmed new people and made me proud to be her mother. I actually almost had to apologize for her giving too many hugs. Of all things…. Also, my family who I clung to through a pretty interesting week and who lets me hug them too much. Sensing a pattern here? Whimzy’s hugging was because she was excited to meet new “cousins” and mine was because I needed some physical support.
And hey! Guess what?!? I hit 90 days sober within the last week. It has been an amazing journey and while my 4th of July weekend may not have been full of drunken shenanigans, it definitely was full of fond memories, watching the people in my life grow, and a motorcycle ride that I actually remember! Here is to more memories that won’t be blocked by booze 🙂
On the flip side of things, there is quite a bit of confusion in my emotional state right now. My childhood and adolescence had many events, people, and situations that I have not dealt with psychologically yet. They sit, ignored and probably festering as I learn how to deal with day to day stresses. Well, one was violently brought to the forefront of my mind over the past week and is making me deal with it. There is hurt, sadness, happiness, hope, and a sense of loss that I am having trouble rectifying into one coherent train of thought. I suppose, this is what I pay somebody to help me figure out. I like to think of my therapist as a detangler of thoughts. Maybe I should tell him that and he can add it to his resume. I made it through this upheaval pretty well. I cried, dealt with it in a healthy manner, did some writing, and got through it. Now I have to deal with the conflict in my mind. And at this point, some intensive therapy would be great. And there is this great program that would provide just that, unfortunately, my insurance is being ridiculous and I do not know if I am covered for it, so I can’t begin the treatment. Lovely.
Here comes the crash. I got through the trigger event without having a meltdown or drinking. I got through the social events that followed. Now that my guard is down a bit, I can feel the overwhelming emotions peeking though.
Here is the thing, though: I can control this. I do not have to let my emotions and my cognitive dissonance control me. I can make the decision to think through my thoughts and emotions logically and piece together a way to deal with repercussions of life and move forward. I can reach out for support and expect it to be there. It might be difficult and it may be a bit of a process, but I will do it. It is just an opportunity to heal old wounds and become stronger.
Anybody have any ideas on dealing with old emotional trauma resurfacing or on grief? Share your stories, ideas, and advice. You could help somebody else out there with your wisdom and strength!