On one hand, I am devastated by the loss of my grandfather. When I was a baby, they had to buy him a back holder for me to sit in when he was doing stuff around the house otherwise I would cry buckets every time he walked away. He raised me. He was the safe harbor from my very Italian grandmother when we butted heads. He was my quiet playmate in the basement when I wanted to play kitchen. He let me curl up and sleep on him when I was obviously too big to be doing so. I was his “mouse” and he told me that I got the most mojo out of all of the kids. The last 12 years have been hard watching the dementia fade his once vibrant personality into brief flashes of what it used to be. I know that he will be remembered every time I eat calamari, go fishing, or even buy anything shiny (we used to give him shiny things for him to build fishing flys with). It is still hard knowing that I am never going to hear him yell at my daughter to run again, though, and I think there is going to be some more crying and lots more introspection in the next week. Unfortunately, my 7 days of guilt free grief eating are done tomorrow, but I haven’t had much of an appetite any how. It is going to be hard to live in a world that has lost such an intelligent, silly, and amazing person.
On the other hand, I spent a lot of time with my family over the weekend and into this week. I feel like I bonded with them and felt like I belonged. Feeling like I belong, or lack thereof, has been a huge deal with me since feeling displaced as a teenager and it is something that I have been working on. Despite the sadness, there was one particular moment where my sister was cuddling me on the couch and I was rubbing her hair, and then my Mom was sitting behind me rubbing my hair. It was comfortable and it felt right. I almost had started crying when I realized how nice it felt. I am going to go forward in my life knowing that when I need it, I can go out to my family and be cuddled. That means a lot to me.
Well, I am going to go work on my apartment a bit. Some housework fell to the wayside when this all happened and I need to get caught up.