Dynamite

I am putting this out here, because hopefully my experience can help someone, and that is the whole point of this blog.  Well, maybe not the whole part, but a pretty big part.

I relapsed.  I slept through picking up my daughter and then attempted to pick her up intoxicated.

I want to learn and move forward.  I already have my work scheduled for this week, have restarted the Antabuse that makes it impossible for me to drink, and am attempting to get my apartment clean for a party I am having next weekend.  It gives me a goal, which is good.

I am doubting everything about myself; my parenting ability, my fitness as a human being, my hope…. All of it.  I feel like I am in the bottom of a hole that I had been working on filling, then in a fit of impulsiveness, depression, and anxiety, I threw a stick of dynamite in and now I am back where I started.

Borderline Personality Disorder.  Part of my personality is to self-destruct.  It is part genetics, environment, and who knows.  I read a book “The Borderline and The Buddha”, which kind of helped.  I ordered a DBT Borderline Personality Disorder workbook.  There aren’t any support groups in my area.  I am going to start going to SMART meeting more often.

Right now, though, I am in tears.  I cannot dwell.  I need to fight my way out of this.  I need glitter, hugs, Doctor Who, and noodles.  By the way, I was too depressed all weekend to make noodles. That, I think, is a first.

So, tonight, I am going to catch up on Doctor Who.  Tomorrow, I have a few small goals set, and hopefully I can start crawling my way back out of the hole.

And, thank you to my friends and family who stood by my side and made sure I was okay.  I needed the support and you guys were amazing.  I am honored to have you in my support group and to call you friends.

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