I am putting this out here, because hopefully my experience can help someone, and that is the whole point of this blog. Well, maybe not the whole part, but a pretty big part.
I relapsed. I slept through picking up my daughter and then attempted to pick her up intoxicated.
I want to learn and move forward. I already have my work scheduled for this week, have restarted the Antabuse that makes it impossible for me to drink, and am attempting to get my apartment clean for a party I am having next weekend. It gives me a goal, which is good.
I am doubting everything about myself; my parenting ability, my fitness as a human being, my hope…. All of it. I feel like I am in the bottom of a hole that I had been working on filling, then in a fit of impulsiveness, depression, and anxiety, I threw a stick of dynamite in and now I am back where I started.
Borderline Personality Disorder. Part of my personality is to self-destruct. It is part genetics, environment, and who knows. I read a book “The Borderline and The Buddha”, which kind of helped. I ordered a DBT Borderline Personality Disorder workbook. There aren’t any support groups in my area. I am going to start going to SMART meeting more often.
Right now, though, I am in tears. I cannot dwell. I need to fight my way out of this. I need glitter, hugs, Doctor Who, and noodles. By the way, I was too depressed all weekend to make noodles. That, I think, is a first.
So, tonight, I am going to catch up on Doctor Who. Tomorrow, I have a few small goals set, and hopefully I can start crawling my way back out of the hole.
And, thank you to my friends and family who stood by my side and made sure I was okay. I needed the support and you guys were amazing. I am honored to have you in my support group and to call you friends.