I’m 28, you’d think I would have a better grasp on this.
Well, SURPRISE! I have no fucking clue. Everything I have done up to now has been a band-aid over a bullet hole. It is like I have been taking Dayquil to cure cancer. Okay, enough analogies. Also, sorry Taylor Swift, totally just used a line of yours.
It is do or die time. I thought I hit rock bottom, but then I had to prove myself wrong and screw up even worse. Feeling comfortable in my life? I need to change that, obviously. I don’t deserve to be comfortable. The problem? There are so many holes to fill in my life boat and I only have two hands and no real-life boat experience. I can do this one thing over here, and take care of this one smaller thing over there, but it won’t matter if I don’t take care of the whole boat. Oops, totally was mistaken about the analogy thing. I’m just not quite sure how else to describe my life. And the ridiculous part? This boat was sea worthy until I took a jack-hammer to the bottom of it. All of these holes in my boat are my doing. I thought I was fixing the boat because I was putting these holes in to give the rain water somewhere to go. It worked until I realized I made an even bigger problem. (Hint: this is the alcohol analogy)
So, where does this leave me? I am in a sinking boat, with no experience with boats outside of watching “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
First of all, the other people that were on this sinking boat are in a safer boat, and I can’t even consider going to them or getting into their boat until I deal with this jack-hammer impulse. Good for them. I don’t want to take them down, too. Also, the Calvary was called in and they are safe.
Okay, I think I am done with the boat analogy. At least for now. I am taking the bus to work this week, and am trying to figure out what kind of treatment I want/need from Roger’s. Then, I can start working through marriage/family counseling and making sure that I also don’t have another melt down and seriously drown myself. One more bad episode and it could be the end of said story.
Okay, more boat analogy: Thank you to the people who continuously help me stay afloat, even though it must be so hard to watch me put holes in my boat. It can’t seem rational or make any sense. Thank you for continuing to do so. The people safe in the other boat owe that to you. I know a lot of it is just making sure I don’t take any civilian casualties with me, but who am I to judge intention?
Enough of this nonsense. I cannot do anything today besides prepare for tomorrow and not put any more holes in my boat. It seems silly and hopeless, but I can figure out a way to float.