Gnocchi Among Chaos

My life has been a roller coaster lately.  Mostly steep hills downward, or even spirals underground.  I’m not going to get into details, because, let’s face it, I am humiliated.

I have called into question a lot of my values and priorities and the things that I want in my life.  I am questioning if I know who I really am, and what I can do to fix that.  I am going in for some more intensive treatment, and have a referral for a more specific type of therapy after that is done.  Borderline Personality Disorder is to blame for my self-destructive nature, and now I need to deal with those consequences and learn to be better.  It is going to be hard and I need to be patient, but it will certainly be worth it to never feel like I have been lately again.

That being said, we decided to make gnocchi today, homemade, as a family.   We learned how to make glue out of potatoes.  In the end, we did end up with something resembling gnocchi, and my sauce and meatballs were wonderful.  But the really cool thing is that despite my current battle, I was able to enjoy the moment and the experience.  Whimzy and Ty made funny faces, I got glitter everywhere, and we discussed whether it is humane or not to put hats on hamsters.  It was typical for our family, but I got to enjoy it with a new sense of gratitude and perspective.  When I am feeling crappy, having a bad day, and want nothing more than to stop feeling everything, I need to remember that these moments exist even in the middle of my worst times.  I have a husband, daughter, friends, and family that help me make these moments.  I also now may have a hat for my hamster, but that is neither her nor there.

Other things that happened today:

*Whimzy wore a pair of my heals and I am getting worried about her teenage years.

*Whimzy kept saying potato “topato”, which was cute and funny at the same time.

*Ty danced all willy-nilly to music in his headphones that Whimzy and I could not hear.  I was interesting to watch.

*Whimzy ate raw gnocchi dough, and enjoyed it….which made me less worried about her teenage years.

Now the day is winding down and we are starting to relax and finish our family weekend.  Tomorrow morning is St. Nick’s Day and Ty goes back to work for the week.  I just want to lay in a giant pile of pillows under the glow of our Christmas Tree and enjoy not feeling like my world is falling down around me.

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