No. This isn’t some fun carnival game that you get the chance to win a giant stuffed hermit crab at. (Who really wants a giant stuffed hermit crab? Seriously, where does my head come up with this stuff?)
This is my daily roll of the dice, spin of the wheel, deal of the cards…
How will I feel when I wake up? How will I feel around noon? How about 8 pm?
Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows.
Today has been pretty consistent with a little bit of a crash in mood and motivation around 4, and now some womenly pains in the evening. Mood wise, it was a decent day.
There are 3 main ways that I feel: it hurts to be alive, I’m scared to be awake, or “hey, this isn’t so bad”. I violently bounce between these 3 at any point in the day. Sometimes, it gives me whiplash. My motivation goes from “my eyelids are to heavy to open” to “let’s do it all now and overwhelm myself until I am catatonic on the couch”. The floor would be more dramatic, but I honestly don’t lay on the floor much. My furniture is too comfortable.
It can just be exhausting to deal with the roller coaster.
If you are dealing with something similar, whether it is BPD, bipolar, depressive episodes…whatever it is, then know that you aren’t alone and somebody out there understands, even if you don’t get to win a giant stuffed hermit crab at the end of the day.
P.S. If you do want a big-ish hermit crab, check out Amazon, HERE! He is actually kinda’ cute….