I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

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Changes

Geez.  My life is going in a completely new direction that it was on my last post.  I’m not going to go into details quite yet, but suffice it to say that for someone who hates change, this is stressful and exciting all at the same time.

Also, I went to rehab.

Yep.

Rehab.

I kept it close to the vest.   Only people who were there when the rehab idea was put into action knew about it.  To be honest, I was and still kinda’ am ashamed.  On the upside, I made it through the 2 weeks and have a newfound understanding of the disease of addiction and associated disorders.    I would go into details on what exactly I learned, but I had to sign a contract that said that I wouldn’t publish some of the info because it is not available to the public yet.

Moving forward on a different path.

To the future, whatever it may hold!

Night Time Thoughts and Day Time Reality

As I was falling asleep last night, I kept coming up with awesome ways to put the story of my life into words.  I probably wrote close to 2 chapters in my head.  This morning, the ideas were gone.  Poof.

So, I haven’t been writing much.  I’ve been on a roller coaster of highs and lows.  I’ve had a few days that I struggled with my addiction, and I have had a few surprise adventures that have whisked me away from real life to help me cope.

I have spent at least 1 night a weekend in a hotel for the last month.  Life is slowing down now, though, so reality is crashing back in.

I am doing a bunch of group therapy at my local community center, and even leading a few groups!  Hoping the routine and socialization will help keep me stable.

We are still working on the process of getting a house.

I just read “Girl In Need of a Tourniquet: Memoir of a Borderline Personality” by Merri Lisa Johnson.  So far, it is my favorite BPD book I have read.  It resonated on so many levels.  The disjointed writing let me think that maybe one day, I will be able to write a book on my experiences in a way that speaks to people who have had similar experiences.

Here is what is hardest to explain.

I chose hell again and again.

– Merri Lisa Johnson

That quote almost made me cry.  I’m not the only one!  If you have BPD, check it out, I highly recommend it.

Part of my new BA’s (behavioral activation, part of DBT) is to write 2 blogs a week.  Hopefully, I will be writing more!

Signing off for now.  I am off to combat the clutter monster that has invaded my home.

This Is It

The thing about depression is that it covers a person in a darkness so dark that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  It is all encompassing.  It feels heavy.  When this hits me, I sometimes panic.  I can’t see a way out.  I claw and I grasp at anything that will give me a little light.

Unfortunately, I’ve taken alcohol as a way out, too much.  This last time, I broke my leg.

This is my solemn oath to never drink again.  I know I’ve said that before, and I’ve nodded and agreed when other people told me not to drink.

This is it.

Day #3 of the rest of my life, in recovery.

The Year That Almost Was, But Still Existed

Today is April 1st, the day that I started my journey of recovery 1 year ago.  It could be a sober milestone, but it isn’t.

I could be super mad at myself and spend the day in a funk.  I’m not going to, though.  I am going to celebrate that I have been trying so hard for a year.  I may not have been completely clean for that year, but at least 10 months was clean.  That means most of the year, I was fighting the good fight.

I am still here, and still going.  That is all that really matters.  This one day: today.  And you know what?  I am clean today.

This post was in lieu of a therapist appointment, so thanks for listening!

Also, I am really trying to make this blog go bigger, so if read it and enjoy it, please reblog, share with your followers, or at least like and comment on the posts!  I appreciate every single one of my readers and how great you guys have been through my journey.

I Done F’ed Up

I relapsed.  My emotions were too high and I couldn’t use any of the tools that I have learned to help me deal with them.  Now, I am dealing with the aftermath.  I’m not quite sure what to do.  I’m trying to get back into my routine and get things done.  I am currently doing laundry and have real pants on, which is a good thing.  Any words of encouragement, and ideas to get back up on the horse would be helpful.

Excuse me while I go take some Tylenol and try to stick to my to do list.

Mistakes Were Made and Consequences Ensued

“Mistakes were made and consequences ensued.”

Mantra of my life for the last few years.  It seems like it has been nothing but a string of mistakes stuck together.  In the overall scheme of things, the mistakes make up a surprisingly small amount of time.

Perspective.

I either have relapsed twice, or I have been sober for most of the past year.  I choose the one that makes me sound like less of a defeatist.

I have the physical scars to prove that I walked through hell and the bad days to prove to myself that hell is never far enough away that a few bad decisions couldn’t lead me straight back.

So, I sit here, on a Friday night, knee deep in a book, and contemplating the meaning of my journey.

There were consequences and lessons learned.

Not Quite Ready To Become A Buddhist

A couple days ago I read “The Borderline and the Buddha: My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating”.

Some parts of it really resonated with me, and I understood her feeling of floating along, barely making it, and not feeling like she belonged.  I also understood her frustration at years of therapy, lists of meds, multiple hospital stays, and how she only seemed to going in cycles of being good for a little bit and then completely drowning in self destructive behaviors and issues.  I’m 28.  I’ve been diagnosed and on medications since I was 14.  I barely remember being “normal”, and I don’t know if I ever really was.  Even if I do remember it, it was the normal of childhood and adolescence, not being an adult.  I have never been a healthy adult.  This made having my own goals really difficult because I really didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, or even what it felt like to feel happy for very long.  The last 7 months, I had been doing a lot better.  My moods kind of sort of evened out, even if they stayed more on the sad side, and I was able to do more outside of my home. I even got a job.  Then, like the pattern seems to dictate, I self-destructed and drank.

“With other psychiatric illnesses, getting rid of symptoms means you’re more or less back to ‘yourself’. But what if you simply don’t have a solid self to return to — if the way you ARE is seen as basically broken? And what if you can’t conceive of ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ because pain and loneliness are all you remember”?

-The Borderline and The Buddha by Kiera Van Gelder

I did just receive the personality disorder diagnosis within the last couple of months.  I was kind of lazy about doing my DBT workbooks and haven’t really asked my therapist to focus on DBT.  Well, that ends now.  DBT is one of the best treatments for BPD.  I need to learn it and practice it in every day life, otherwise I will spend the rest of my life like I have been doing.  I am going to start going to SMART meetings more often, and ask my therapist to focus on DBT.  I have reached out to a previous counselor and she is being amazing and is being supportive.  I have restarted my Wellness Recovery Action Plan, because I also did that sort of half assed a year ago and it sat unused.

Learn from this and move forward.  I am not quite willing to become a Buddhist, yet, though.

If anybody has info on support groups that focus on DBT or BPD, let me know!  I’ve done some research, but haven’t found any that I think would be structured enough to help!  Also, if you have BPD and have gotten treatment, or have worked through it, send me a private email.  I’d like to pick your brain 😉

Be A Human Being

I am going to be frank.  Well, I am still Cara, but I am going to be blunt.  You may not like it.

I watched a documentary on addiction and recovery.  They made a startling comparison of diabetes and addiction.  I am no diabetes expert, but basically your body has an unhealthy relationship with sugar, right?  Sometimes, people can just diet and exercise and it takes care of the problem.  If it doesn’t, do we blame them?  Usually not.  Same scenario, but let’s substitute sugar for alcohol.  A person relapses and they are to blame?  This seems silly to me.

No,  I did not relapse.  That isn’t the point of this.  If I had, I would probably still be typing about it, but from a different place.  Thankfully, I am sober and 142 days into recovery.  I am not ashamed to say that, in this form.  I do have some issues telling new people, though.  It feels dirty.  I feel like it is louder than any other of the things that I am or have been.  I won a Mayor’s Youth Commission Award when I was in 8th grade.  I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Psychology.  I had stomach issues for a few years.  I have a problem with alcohol and don’t drink anymore.  Hmm…which one do you think I will be judged negatively for?

Basically, I am reaching out right now, to anybody reading this, please don’t judge people with addiction issues.  The issue is misunderstood enough.  Don’t add to the problem.  If you have a problem, get help.  There are others like you, others who got through it, others who can be inspiring.

Stand up, even if you don’t have addiction issue, as a fellow human being, and be compassionate, be kind, and that kindness could help a person more than you could possibly understand.

Have an inspiring story about recovery?  Please share it!  Post it in the comments, post it when you share this blog, post it in no relation to this blog whatsoever!  Be a voice that helps lead another person into recovery!

Catching Up and Remembering

It has been one hell of a 7 days.

Let’s start with the good things.  I have an amazing family, specifically my close family including my friends and adopted family.  And even more specifically, my daughter.  She went through a weekend full of a funeral, zoos, fireworks, and new people like a little queen.  She charmed new people and made me proud to be her mother.  I actually almost had to apologize for her giving too many hugs. Of all things….  Also, my family who I clung to through a pretty interesting week and who lets me hug them too much.  Sensing a pattern here?  Whimzy’s hugging was because she was excited to meet new “cousins” and mine was because I needed some physical support.

And hey!  Guess what?!?  I hit 90 days sober within the last week.  It has been an amazing journey and while my 4th of July weekend may not have been full of drunken shenanigans, it definitely was full of fond memories, watching the people in my life grow, and a motorcycle ride that I actually remember!  Here is to more memories that won’t be blocked by booze 🙂

On the flip side of things, there is quite a bit of confusion in my emotional state right now. My childhood and adolescence had many events, people, and situations that I have not dealt with psychologically yet.  They sit, ignored and probably festering as I learn how to deal with day to day stresses.  Well, one was violently brought to the forefront of my mind over the past week and is making me deal with it.  There is hurt, sadness, happiness, hope, and a sense of loss that I am having trouble rectifying into one coherent train of thought.  I suppose, this is what I pay somebody to help me figure out.  I like to think of my therapist as a detangler of thoughts.  Maybe I should tell him that and he can add it to his resume.  I made it through this upheaval pretty well. I cried, dealt with it in a healthy manner, did some writing, and got through it.  Now I have to deal with the conflict in my mind.  And at this point, some intensive therapy would be great.  And there is this great program that would provide just that, unfortunately, my insurance is being ridiculous and I do not know if I am covered for it, so I can’t begin the treatment.  Lovely.

Here comes the crash.  I got through the trigger event without having a meltdown or drinking.  I got through the social events that followed.  Now that my guard is down a bit, I can feel the overwhelming emotions peeking though.

Here is the thing, though:  I can control this.  I do not have to let my emotions and my cognitive dissonance control me.  I can make the decision to think through my thoughts and emotions logically and piece together a way to deal with repercussions of life and move forward.  I can reach out for support and expect it to be there.  It might be difficult and it may be a bit of a process, but I will do it.  It is just an opportunity to heal old wounds and become stronger.

Anybody have any ideas on dealing with old emotional trauma resurfacing or on grief?  Share your stories, ideas, and advice.  You could help somebody else out there with your wisdom and strength!