Now that I’ve had a bath, am in comfy pj’s, and my hands have stopped shaking, I am able to type and tell you why today sucked so hard.

I mean, I did get a space turtle, but I’m skipping ahead.

We planned a day to play hooky with my daughter and go down to Chicago to the Museum of Science and Industry.  It was supposed to be fun.  I love science. Hands on science is even better!

Oh, but the people.  The crushing waves of people.  Most of them weren’t even adults.  Lines of children in matching colors and adults herding them around to the plethora of bright lights and flashing buttons.

My anxiety skyrocketing.  Hard to breathe, heart pounding, fear rolling through me like a tsunami.  No immediate danger, but it felt like the train I rode down there was barreling towards me while I was tied to the rails like a damsel in a bad western.

But there was no train, just the kids and the science.

I wanted to enjoy it.  I really did.  I wanted to push all the buttons and share my love of science with my daughter.

I couldn’t.

I just couldn’t.

To try to make myself feel better, I bought a 50% off space turtle.  It didn’t work.  I spent the entire train ride home curled up to my husband and wanting to apologize over and over for not loving family time and being able to be the mom and wife that I should have been.

I’m “safe” at home now, but the lingering exhaustion is making me want to go to bed early.   I probably will.

Dodging trains and finding space turtles is exhausting.

Rejection, Cognitive Distortions, and Moving Forward

Well, I didn’t get into Rutger’s.  I am super disappointed and there is a war going on in my head to stay healthy while dealing with the rejection.  On one hand, I feel this is a personal rejection, like they rejected me on a personal level, me as a person.

This is called a cognitive distortion, specifically, personalization.  Personalization is, as psych central defines it, “is where a person believes that everything others say and do is some sort of direct, personal reaction to the person”.  (For the full article, visit here! It is an excellent article on psych central that explains 15 common cognitive distortions.)

I could go into wise mind, but I am going to just keep it simple.   I need to make my emotions, feeling personally rejected, and my logic, that it is not personal and I still have more options, align together.  It is difficult, and it is something that I struggle with quite a bit.

So I am going to move forward.   I plan on applying to more schools within a month or 2, but for right now I am going to focus on the Rally for Recovery (check out the FB page right here!) and finding a more fulfilling job.  I just set up 2 interviews for jobs that will bring me closer to my career goals.

Even if this sucks, I can deal with it without self-destructing.  I am getting better.  It is good news, disguised as bad news.

The Battle of the Routine

Let’s face it.  One of the worst parts of depression is the lethargy that I discussed in my last post.  (Check it out HERE!)

The way to battle it? Straight up routine.  The problem?  Well, I DON’T WANNA!  I want to sleep and lay around, not get up early and do things.  Ugh.

That perpetuates the cycle, though.  I gave myself today to rest and plan, and then I start my new routine tomorrow.  I’ve included my basic routine, minus my appointments, at the bottom of this post.

The hardest part for me is getting going in the morning.  I am not a morning person and leaving the comfort of my bed is not fun.  It means I have to deal with all of the emotions and struggles out in the world.   Who honestly wants to do that?

I’m hoping after enough time with the routine it will become, well, routine, and I won’t dread it as much. For now, though, I am dreading this week and hoping I make it through.

Wish me luck and check out the link to my schedule below!  Have any tips?

New Schedule

Girls’ Weekend

I spent the weekend out of town with some girl friends.  I was ridiculously anxious and spent most of the night before trying to convince my husband to let me stay home.  He never caved and I ended up in a car with 2 of my besties on my way out.

I have to admit, once I got in the car I calmed down quite a bit.

I had an amazing time.  I laughed until my stomach hurt, learned more about my friends, scrapbooked, shopped, ate, got a massage, sat in a hot tub, and hit my step goal two of the three days.

Oh, and I had Sonic for the first time!  I wasn’t all that impressed.  Disappointment.

I kinda’ wish I could’ve stayed in that mood for forever.  Unfortunately, I think I used up all of my feel-good chemicals and now my depression is acting up.

Now, I am going off to surgery tomorrow to get baby making parts removed.  Sigh.  The weekend was awesome, but the week isn’t going so well.

But, hey, I got over my fear and went on an adventure!  I’m proud of myself.

Homesick from Kitties

I spent the weekend at Kalahari Resort in the Wisconsin Dells.  We had a room with a full kitchen, a separate bedroom, and a full dining room.  The resort had an indoor theme park, an indoor waterpark, a movie theater, a bowling alley, 4 restaurants, a bunch of gift shops, and the walk from our room to the lobby and back was half a mile.  It was huge.

I got homesick.  Really homesick.  And we left the kitties at home, so I was worried.  Combine the two and you get panic attacks.

It was interesting.

I journaled, slept, went swimming, kissed my husband, listened to two little girls giggling, cuddles my new lemur stuffed animal, and begged hubby for reassurance that the kitties were fine.

We got home today.  They were fine.  I am fine.

Onto the next adventure next weekend for a girls’ weekend, without hubby.  It will be a test of how well I can deal independently.

Wish me luck!

I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

Vomiting Out Emotions

My mom might be going on Hospice soon if this round of antibiotics doesn’t take care of her infection (UTI).

Suddenly, I’m thrust out of my own bubble of trying to survive my brain issues and my little family into my mom saying “My life is in your hands.”

Wow.

That is alot of weight on my shoulders.  It is a weight I’ve had for a long time, but that seemed to make it heavier.

I need to be assertive; I make the decisions, no one else; I can and will do this; I am capable and intelligent;  my past does not predict my future….

All of these things running through my head.  I’m home and dinner is over and cleaned up, but emotionally, I am drained.  I could curl up in a ball and sleep for days.  I won’t.  Tomorrow is more adulting and moving forward.

I got this.  I have to have this.  It is my mommy.

Sometimes…

Sometimes, it is too much.

Sometimes, I come home and collapse because I held it together for too long.

Sometimes, the press of people around me is suffocating.

Sometimes, the pain is so intense that breathing hurts.

Sometimes, I can’t.

Sometimes, it is impossible to see past my own dread.

Sometimes, I cling so tightly to anything that makes me feel good that I strangle it.

Sometimes, I am so exhausted that being awake is impossible.

Sometimes, even my dreams aren’t an escape.

Spin The Wheel!

No.  This isn’t some fun carnival game that you get the chance to win a giant stuffed hermit crab at.  (Who really wants a giant stuffed hermit crab?  Seriously, where does my head come up with this stuff?)

This is my daily roll of the dice, spin of the wheel, deal of the cards…

How will I feel when I wake up? How will I feel around noon?  How about 8 pm?

Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows.

Today has been pretty consistent with a little bit of a crash in mood and motivation around 4, and now some womenly pains in the evening.  Mood wise, it was a decent day.

There are 3 main ways that I feel: it hurts to be alive, I’m scared to be awake, or “hey, this isn’t so bad”.  I violently bounce between these 3 at any point in the day.  Sometimes, it gives me whiplash.  My motivation goes from “my eyelids are to heavy to open” to “let’s do it all now and overwhelm myself until I am catatonic on the couch”.  The floor would be more dramatic, but I honestly don’t lay on the floor much.  My furniture is too comfortable.

It can just be exhausting to deal with the roller coaster.

If you are dealing with something similar, whether it is BPD, bipolar, depressive episodes…whatever it is, then know that you aren’t alone and somebody out there understands, even if you don’t get to win a giant stuffed hermit crab at the end of the day.

P.S.  If you do want a big-ish hermit crab, check out Amazon, HERE!  He is actually kinda’ cute….

SO MUCH!

In the last 3 weeks, I have gotten out of a rehabilitation facility, gotten a new apartment, completely switched lifestyles, gotten 2 new kitties, and sprained my ankle.

My husband quit his job to follow his dream.  In those 3 weeks, he has come up with a custom product, has inventory (minimal, but building), has a website and etsy shop, and taken steps towards being an online retailer for one of the biggest dart companies.  I’m super proud of him, in spite of how all of the changes make me feel.

This all meant he needed an office, so we got a new apartment.  We are still in the process of moving, so things aren’t quite settled, yet. Also, a lot of the stability that a 9-5 job with benefits gave us, was suddenly gone.

Here’s the thing:  I absolutely hate change.  I don’t do well with it.  It supercharges my anxiety and gives my depression steroids.  Especially this much in such a short time.

I’m dealing.  I understand that this could be an amazing new direction my life is taking and we have taken a lot of steps to negate the negative sides of the changes.  I understand that my husband following his dreams gives me and Whimzy inspiration to follow our dreams.

I just is SO MUCH!  I think I’m doing pretty well.  No break downs or actual panic attacks.  I’m managing to stay positive, for the most part.

As I’m writing, I realize how un-confident I sound in myself.  To be honest, that scares me because it is hard to sound more confident without outright lying.  I’m confident in my husband and his ability to make his end work or go back to work in case it doesn’t work fast enough; I’m confident in Whimzy’s ability to adapt and thrive; I’m just not confident in myself and my ability to continue my routine and my plans while changing everything else.I know that good plans lay in their ability to adapt, but adapting has never been my strong suit.

I started out writing this blog in a way to inform my readers what was going on in my life.  Now, it has turned into a look at what is really going on in my brain.  I am going to use this new information and make myself stronger, that is one thing that I am good at: surviving, even when I don’t want to, and right now, I want to.  I want to make this the amazing thing that it could be. I want to be part of what makes this amazing, not the dead weight that gets dragged along.  That might not be how the people around me see me, but it is definitely how I see myself…sometimes.

New post coming on how I am going to move forward and keep my sanity intact.