I know, it has been awhile.
I’ve honestly been in a crazy rut. I do awesome on the weekends, and then crash hardcore during the week. Consequently, my apartment is a mess and I’m sleeping too much.
Depression is lovely.
On a brighter note….wait, I don’t think I have one. Right now, being in my head sucks. I’ll live, I always do, but I need to find my strength and motivation and get shit done.
Tomorrow I am doing some work for the Rally for Recovery that I’ve been slacking off on. That should boost me a bit. It is something that I am passionate about and I will be with a couple pretty awesome chicks.
Any non-judgy people wanna help me clean? Lol. I’ll pay you in brownies and let you keep any socks you find (unless it is my narwhal sock, I’ve been looking for that for forever!)
This is what depression looks like:
A messy house
A mom almost crying because she wants to be more for her daughter
A feeling of complete and utter worthlessness
Body aches from not sleeping well
An urge to drink just to get some motivation
Almost crying when putting chicken in the slow cooker because it was alive at some point
A to do list sitting, unused
Feeling overwhelmed at the idea of even moving at all, let alone doing something productive
Wanting to skip going to the pool, despite already promising daughter you’d go
Wanting to cry, but not being able to let go enough to actually cry.
Exhaustion. Total and utter exhaustion.
Now this obviously doesn’t cover everything that depression can do, but it is a list of what it is to be depressed in a moment. And this is unique to me, every one is different and has different symptoms and severity of symptoms.
Right now, I’m honestly jealous of my cats. I want to curl up in a ball, also, and sleep all day. Unfortunately, I need to find a way to buck up for my daughter and my life.
Now that I’ve had a bath, am in comfy pj’s, and my hands have stopped shaking, I am able to type and tell you why today sucked so hard.
I mean, I did get a space turtle, but I’m skipping ahead.
We planned a day to play hooky with my daughter and go down to Chicago to the Museum of Science and Industry. It was supposed to be fun. I love science. Hands on science is even better!
Oh, but the people. The crushing waves of people. Most of them weren’t even adults. Lines of children in matching colors and adults herding them around to the plethora of bright lights and flashing buttons.
My anxiety skyrocketing. Hard to breathe, heart pounding, fear rolling through me like a tsunami. No immediate danger, but it felt like the train I rode down there was barreling towards me while I was tied to the rails like a damsel in a bad western.
But there was no train, just the kids and the science.
I wanted to enjoy it. I really did. I wanted to push all the buttons and share my love of science with my daughter.
I just couldn’t.
To try to make myself feel better, I bought a 50% off space turtle. It didn’t work. I spent the entire train ride home curled up to my husband and wanting to apologize over and over for not loving family time and being able to be the mom and wife that I should have been.
I’m “safe” at home now, but the lingering exhaustion is making me want to go to bed early. I probably will.
Dodging trains and finding space turtles is exhausting.
Well, I didn’t get into Rutger’s. I am super disappointed and there is a war going on in my head to stay healthy while dealing with the rejection. On one hand, I feel this is a personal rejection, like they rejected me on a personal level, me as a person.
This is called a cognitive distortion, specifically, personalization. Personalization is, as psych central defines it, “is where a person believes that everything others say and do is some sort of direct, personal reaction to the person”. (For the full article, visit here! It is an excellent article on psych central that explains 15 common cognitive distortions.)
I could go into wise mind, but I am going to just keep it simple. I need to make my emotions, feeling personally rejected, and my logic, that it is not personal and I still have more options, align together. It is difficult, and it is something that I struggle with quite a bit.
So I am going to move forward. I plan on applying to more schools within a month or 2, but for right now I am going to focus on the Rally for Recovery (check out the FB page right here!) and finding a more fulfilling job. I just set up 2 interviews for jobs that will bring me closer to my career goals.
Even if this sucks, I can deal with it without self-destructing. I am getting better. It is good news, disguised as bad news.
Let’s face it. One of the worst parts of depression is the lethargy that I discussed in my last post. (Check it out HERE!)
The way to battle it? Straight up routine. The problem? Well, I DON’T WANNA! I want to sleep and lay around, not get up early and do things. Ugh.
That perpetuates the cycle, though. I gave myself today to rest and plan, and then I start my new routine tomorrow. I’ve included my basic routine, minus my appointments, at the bottom of this post.
The hardest part for me is getting going in the morning. I am not a morning person and leaving the comfort of my bed is not fun. It means I have to deal with all of the emotions and struggles out in the world. Who honestly wants to do that?
I’m hoping after enough time with the routine it will become, well, routine, and I won’t dread it as much. For now, though, I am dreading this week and hoping I make it through.
Wish me luck and check out the link to my schedule below! Have any tips?
As bad as the crippling, crying type of depression is, the lethargic kind of depression is worse. It is so sneaky. It makes me feel like doing nothing is the best thing in the world. It makes it feel like my limbs weigh more than humanly possible. It makes me feel like maybe I’m not hungry enough to get up and eat. It makes me doubt that things need to be done. Maybe I don’t need to dust. I can do it tomorrow, right? *sigh*
Sneaky. As I sit here, zoning out on the TV, wishing I wanted to do more.
I spent the weekend out of town with some girl friends. I was ridiculously anxious and spent most of the night before trying to convince my husband to let me stay home. He never caved and I ended up in a car with 2 of my besties on my way out.
I have to admit, once I got in the car I calmed down quite a bit.
I had an amazing time. I laughed until my stomach hurt, learned more about my friends, scrapbooked, shopped, ate, got a massage, sat in a hot tub, and hit my step goal two of the three days.
Oh, and I had Sonic for the first time! I wasn’t all that impressed. Disappointment.
I kinda’ wish I could’ve stayed in that mood for forever. Unfortunately, I think I used up all of my feel-good chemicals and now my depression is acting up.
Now, I am going off to surgery tomorrow to get baby making parts removed. Sigh. The weekend was awesome, but the week isn’t going so well.
But, hey, I got over my fear and went on an adventure! I’m proud of myself.
I spent the weekend at Kalahari Resort in the Wisconsin Dells. We had a room with a full kitchen, a separate bedroom, and a full dining room. The resort had an indoor theme park, an indoor waterpark, a movie theater, a bowling alley, 4 restaurants, a bunch of gift shops, and the walk from our room to the lobby and back was half a mile. It was huge.
I got homesick. Really homesick. And we left the kitties at home, so I was worried. Combine the two and you get panic attacks.
It was interesting.
I journaled, slept, went swimming, kissed my husband, listened to two little girls giggling, cuddles my new lemur stuffed animal, and begged hubby for reassurance that the kitties were fine.
We got home today. They were fine. I am fine.
Onto the next adventure next weekend for a girls’ weekend, without hubby. It will be a test of how well I can deal independently.
Wish me luck!
My mom might be going on Hospice soon if this round of antibiotics doesn’t take care of her infection (UTI).
Suddenly, I’m thrust out of my own bubble of trying to survive my brain issues and my little family into my mom saying “My life is in your hands.”
That is alot of weight on my shoulders. It is a weight I’ve had for a long time, but that seemed to make it heavier.
I need to be assertive; I make the decisions, no one else; I can and will do this; I am capable and intelligent; my past does not predict my future….
All of these things running through my head. I’m home and dinner is over and cleaned up, but emotionally, I am drained. I could curl up in a ball and sleep for days. I won’t. Tomorrow is more adulting and moving forward.
I got this. I have to have this. It is my mommy.
Sometimes, it is too much.
Sometimes, I come home and collapse because I held it together for too long.
Sometimes, the press of people around me is suffocating.
Sometimes, the pain is so intense that breathing hurts.
Sometimes, I can’t.
Sometimes, it is impossible to see past my own dread.
Sometimes, I cling so tightly to anything that makes me feel good that I strangle it.
Sometimes, I am so exhausted that being awake is impossible.
Sometimes, even my dreams aren’t an escape.