Suicide

 

TW: Suicide, obviously

 

I remember the numbness that I felt.   I wasn’t afraid anymore, I was determined.  The detached feeling as I bought the whiskey and instruments that would become my suicide note (which is still being held in evidence in case something like this happens again…).

I remember how absolutely I had given up.  I was doing absolutely no one any good by being alive, in fact I was convinced that I was doing more harm than anything by being alive.  I was a terrible mother, a horrid wife, and an all around useless person.

Keep in mind, this was my last suicide attempt. Not my first, but this one felt the most real.  The most drastic.

I chugged that whiskey faster than I thought possible.  I wrote that note, the numbness wearing off, and sobbing hysterically.  As I finished the note, I remember clutching my chest because I couldn’t stand the feeling anymore.  It hurt physically.  My desperation to be free of this feeling was leading me to do something permanent.  “A permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  That wasn’t true anymore.   This feeling of inadequacy, of desperation, of pain, of anxiety, wasn’t temporary anymore.   It was my reality 9/10 days.  It had just been getting worse for as long as I could remember.

I couldn’t even feel the cold as I crawled into the lake.  It was December 9th, in Wisconsin.  The lake was very cold, but not to me. I could not feel anything outside of my anguish.

I laid down in the water, fully invested in that being my last thought ever.  I thought the world would be better for it.

 

Eventually, the fast ingestion of the whiskey made me throw up and wake up.  The rest is a whole other post, but suffice it to say that I was not happy that it hadn’t succeeded.

For those who say that suicide is selfish, I am glad you’ve never felt so terrible that you actually believe that the entire world would be better off if you were gone.  It is a terrible feeling.  It physically hurts in ways that are hard to imagine.  Just writing this is making my chest hurt and I’m going to engage in some pretty heavy self care after I get done.

I’ve learned some pretty amazing things since then, but I didn’t have those tools when this happened.  I was lucky enough to survive and learn to thrive, but a lot of people just survive and go on suffering.

Just think about the desperation needed to end your own life.  It is difficult to imagine, but there are those of us who have dealt with the feeling on a daily basis.

Think about that next time you judge.

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Probed

3 years ago I posted on Facebook about how amazing my day was and how lucky I was.  While I still feel lucky and am sure that my evening will be amazing, I spent my day getting ready for and then actually getting my lady garden probed.

For guys, imagine your spleen getting poked.  THEY POKE MY INSIDES!  With absolutely no numbing stuff or anything.  It feels like a light version of a birthing contraction.

I came home and baked to get my mind off of it.  It didn’t work.  I still feel phantom lady garden poking.

And the Lube!  So much freaking lube!  GAH!!!  Not sexy lube, either, just gross institution type lube.

Being a woman is ridiculous.

Relief and Funerals

It has been an unbearably long almost 2 months.  On September 8th, my mom was given a week to live.  She lasted until October 18th.  That month and 10 days was ridiculous.  I hardly did anything, went anywhere, and ALWAYS had my phone on me, just in case.  Every vibration from it had me jumping with my heart in my throat.

She was in a lot of pain.  I cried sitting next to her while she asked me to help her die.  I watched her sleep and made sure her chest was moving every few minutes.

And I waited.

She perked up for about a week.  I could talk to my mom!  She was more lucid that she had been in years.  I will forever treasure that time because those would be the last times I got to talk to her.

Then her health started declining again.   I knew it was only a matter of time.

She went peacefully with me 2 minutes away, on my way to be with her.  She wasn’t in pain anymore or fighting a losing battle.  The struggle with MS had lasted 38 years.  It was time for her to be done.

The memorial and service were amazing.  We lucked out and got an amazing pastor from a local church to come.  He brought Whimzy a stuffed tiger before the service to hug and think of Nana (it was her favorite animal).

I did thank you notes with my wonderful aunt who was with me every step of the way.   I ate chicken from a friend’s wedding who showed up and made sure I was okay.  I was surprised by my Dad who drove down and stood by me despite the fact that it was his ex wife.  I held hands with my uncle when we both needed it.  I explained to Whimzy what had happened. I leaned on Ty when I needed it.  I had friends who had never met my mom show up for the memorial.  I had a great-aunt who showed me true altruism.

I miss her.  We are house-hunting, and I saw a house with a ramp on it.  My immediate thought was “My mom could come see my house!”.  It brought my mood down to realize I would never be able to share any more milestones with her.

And as I write this, I am truly crying for the first time since she went.  I guess it just kinda’ hit me as I wrote it all out.

This post is about healing, not dogma, so I don’t know what her spirit did after this, but I have to hope that her energy is doing something amazing right now.  You can never destroy matter or energy.  That is strangely comforting to know.

Been Awhile

I know, I suck with consistency.  You still love me, right?

  • I’m participating in two weddings in two weeks.  GAH!  Excited, but nervous.
  • Ty and I started marriage counseling to learn to communicate better.  I cried a bunch and hugging was involved.
  • My emotions have been a roller coaster.  Up and down, then up, up, DOWN! Hello, BPD.
  • Read “I HATE YOU, Don’t leave me”.  It was okay.  Loved “Girl In Need of a Tourniquet” more.
  • I’m also on the Hcg diet.  I’m hungry.  Really hungry.
  • It is amazing watching Whimzy grow from week to week.  Kids grow too fast.
  • It is 5pm by me and I am ready for bed.
  • I got to watch a squirrel up close and Ty almost drove away on me because he was “afraid of rabies”.  Wimp.
  • My one cat is in love with our mail lady, and only the one lady.  He sits at the door when she is here and meows loudly until I open the door and he goes straight to her and nuzzles her. Pretty sure she has dead mice in her pocket, or maybe she smells like tuna.
  • I spent an hour today doing everything, signing, paying, signing up for, and scheduling Whimzy’s Wednesday folder.  WTF?!?
  • Did I mention I’m hungry?
  • I should say HANGRY!
  • So, I bought a tiny printer that prints out 2×3 pics for my memory planner; the polaroid zip. I highly recommend it.
  • I’m going to post pics of my planner on here soon, I’m super proud of it.
  • I got fake nails and typing feels funny.
  • I’m probably also going to post a selfie from the 1st wedding because I’m getting my hair and make up done!
  • Ty is sitting next to me playing football on the XBox One. I want to hit him with a pillow, but I’m too lazy.
  • It was 86 degrees in Wisconsin in September two days ago.  I was melting and was pretty sure that the Christian idea of Hell had ascended upon us.  Turns out, people who don’t believe in climate change are stupid because, SCIENCE!
  • I need to get back in school, my brain is bored.

That was my brain right now.  I’ll try to be more consistent from now on, but ya’ know…depression.  BOO!

The Pit of Depression

Here’s the thing about depression: it is sneaky!  It starts with sleeping in a day, then skipping dishes after dinner, and soon you’re sleeping 15 hours a day and crying more than you should when you’re awake.

I do approximately 7 hours of recovery and therapy related events a week, not including the time I spend on doing work for those events outside of the actual events, like homework for group therapy.

That included individual therapy, group therapy, SMART meetings, DBT classes, community groups, and online recovery meetings.

Despite all of that, I’ve been in a funk.  I didn’t even really notice, and when my husband pointed it out, I felt defeated.  I’m doing all of this work, taking all of these meds, and I still am having issues?!?!

Well, time to buck up again and just push forward.  I’m going to make a game plan with my therapist, because my ideas aren’t working anymore.  I am not going to let my brain disease win.  I refuse.  My life is too awesome to give up on.  Even though I may not believe it all of the time, I am worth it, too.

 

The Right Path

Happiness is doing the right thing in the right way.  I don’t know who said that, but something close to it is written on the white board in my group therapy room.

Suddenly, I am making the right choices in life; staying sober, confronting my mental illnesses, and making choices that won’t hurt those around me.  I’m talking to my family again (love it!), am waiting on a phone call that could change my life, just booked a Walt Disney trip, and my daughter got into the gifted program.

Life is going in the right direction.  I am on the right path, and it feels amazing!

Also, llamas are all of a sudden popular.  Heck yes!  No llama drama here!

Snapshot of Depression

This is what depression looks like:

A messy house

A mom almost crying because she wants to be more for her daughter

A feeling of complete and utter worthlessness

Body aches from not sleeping well

An urge to drink just to get some motivation

Almost crying when putting chicken in the slow cooker because it was alive at some point

A to do list sitting, unused

Feeling overwhelmed at the idea of even moving at all, let alone doing something productive

Wanting to skip going to the pool, despite already promising daughter you’d go

Wanting to cry, but not being able to let go enough to actually cry.

Exhaustion.  Total and utter exhaustion.

Now this obviously doesn’t cover everything that depression can do, but it is a list of what it is to be depressed in a moment.  And this is unique to me, every one is different and has different symptoms and severity of symptoms.

Right now, I’m honestly jealous of my cats.  I want to curl up in a ball, also, and sleep all day.  Unfortunately, I need to find a way to buck up for my daughter and my life.

Back to Adulting

I spent yesterday with Ty at a mall buying a Little Mermaid outfit and some geek tshirts. It was a lot of peopling, but I managed to get through it and enjoy my day.  We were kidless and got to stroll without complaints of boredom every 5 minutes.  It was amazing.  Then, we won $200 on pull tabs at the MIL’s.  So, we went shopping more. lol

Then today, we had to go to the laundromat.  I honestly considered going nudist for a second as I dripped sweat in the un-air-conditioned laundromat.

I’m sore, but I now have an awesome Little Mermaid purse and a bunch of Torrid shirts.  Heck yes!

Now I am stuck making dinner and folding clothes.  What a down spiral.

And part of being back to adulting is working on therapy homework.  It actually challenges me.  This is the first time I’ve ever really been tested by therapy. Normally I rock at therapy and suck at life.   Lately, though, it has been the opposite.  I’m not bad at therapy now, but I am not a shining star like I normally am.  And I have been rocking at life.  Even though my motivation is low, I have a basic plan set for Whimzy for summer, I’ve been working out, I’ve been sober, and I’m learning to love myself for who I am not who I am supposed to be.  It is amazing to feel this way.

 

Gah! Desperate Measures

So, I haven’t lost any weight doing moderation.  Granted, I suck at it, but still….

I’m going to try the Ketogenic diet, I think.  No more donuts or noodles.  I’m not sure how my mental health will survive.

If I lose weight, though, my heart rate might go down, which might mean that I have less anxiety.  That is a lot of mights, but it is worth the try.

So, today I shall eat all of the carbs before I have to give them up tomorrow.

Now that I’ve had a bath, am in comfy pj’s, and my hands have stopped shaking, I am able to type and tell you why today sucked so hard.

I mean, I did get a space turtle, but I’m skipping ahead.

We planned a day to play hooky with my daughter and go down to Chicago to the Museum of Science and Industry.  It was supposed to be fun.  I love science. Hands on science is even better!

Oh, but the people.  The crushing waves of people.  Most of them weren’t even adults.  Lines of children in matching colors and adults herding them around to the plethora of bright lights and flashing buttons.

My anxiety skyrocketing.  Hard to breathe, heart pounding, fear rolling through me like a tsunami.  No immediate danger, but it felt like the train I rode down there was barreling towards me while I was tied to the rails like a damsel in a bad western.

But there was no train, just the kids and the science.

I wanted to enjoy it.  I really did.  I wanted to push all the buttons and share my love of science with my daughter.

I couldn’t.

I just couldn’t.

To try to make myself feel better, I bought a 50% off space turtle.  It didn’t work.  I spent the entire train ride home curled up to my husband and wanting to apologize over and over for not loving family time and being able to be the mom and wife that I should have been.

I’m “safe” at home now, but the lingering exhaustion is making me want to go to bed early.   I probably will.

Dodging trains and finding space turtles is exhausting.