Don’t Give Me That Look

I know. It has been awhile. It has been hard for me to find the moxie to write, but here I am!

Filed for divorce the second time, moved out (without my daughter, which has been absolutely heartbreaking), and got an amazing job I’m actually good at and doesn’t make me want to curl up in a ball and cry in the mornings.

I’ve been staying with my best friend and boyfriend. I have a schedule and go back and forth. Finding a place right now is insane, and Even with a decent full time job, rent is going to be a struggle. Plus, basics like food cost a lot more when you don’t have your own space to store/cook, so saving money has been difficult. Plus, I was impulse shopping a little too much. So, now I’ve buckled down with a budget. Still probably will be a month or two before I am able to get my own place, though.

My mental health is doing okay and my physical health is still all over the place, but the immense amount of guilt and shame I feel over leaving without my daughter is soul crushing. Every day I have to remind myself that I wasn’t being a good mom when I was there because of my mental and physical health bogging me down. I needed to leave to get back on my feet so I can be a good mom. I go spend the day with her Sundays when I have off and Wednesdays (or any Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday) that I work remotely. It isn’t enough for me and it takes a lot of thought challenging to not let those feelings lead me somewhere I don’t want to be.

I work for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Racine and Kenosha now. I’ve been there since July and it is an intense job, but I really enjoy it and I think I’m good at it. It definitely plays to my strengths. I also only have one co-worker, who is also my boss and I really enjoy working with her, plus she understands my mental health stuff and has been amazing being supportive and flexible with me. I haven’t called in sick and it has been almost 2 months. It is insane. New record for me! I did have to take half a sick day with half a remote day, but it was for a doctor’s appointment. Plus, I’ve gotten to go to conferences and take some pretty interesting classes. Soon I will be posting about why I am so happy to be working for this organization, but I’m not going to go into it today.

Throwing a bunch of pictures in for updates! I’m going to try to actually do this blog thing right. Plus, might do more tiktoks soon!

The Endorphins After

After my minor breakdown last night, I cried for a good hour, took a bath, started a movie, and passed out. I was super exhausted this morning because those breakdowns are exhausting. They, for me, are kinda a way to deal with the buildup of negative emotions that I usually don’t notice. Then, after it is all out, the endorphins kick in, and it ends up being a cathartic experience. I was conflicted on if I should have posted it last night, but it is part of mental illness. I promised I’d show every aspect of it, so I let my brain spill out onto the screen last night.

That being said, a lot of interesting and promising things are happening to me right now. I got the Recovery Coach job at my local mental health community resource organization. I’m in the middle of training right now and will start looking for another part time job after Christmas because this current position is extremely part time and I need to supplement that income.

I also set up a 30 minute deep tissue/trigger point massage for tomorrow. My brain has been so horrible lately that my muscles are hard as concrete. The chiropractor I tried only used the least scientific method for his practice and I didn’t find out until the last appt. He also wanted me to come in 3x/week for 6 weeks at $35 a pop. Yeah, not happening, especially for 5 minutes of service. So, I found a trigger point masseuse that also does this scraping technique that I really want to experience. He is also a Reiki guy, so it should be interesting. $30 for 30 minutes. Even 1x/week would be close in price to a single week at the chiropractor. I am honestly so excited. It is going to hurt, but it will be worth it to get some of this tension out of my body.

Two last things. I applied for Peer Support Certification Training last Friday. It is a 3 week course that teaches you about Peer Support and how to be the best one you can be. That is basically my position right now, so it should be helpful. Then I would take a certification exam and get certified! It would be so exciting. (Plus, my job offers a lot of Professional Development opportunities, HECK YEAH!!) Secondly, I also am in the process of applying for a volunteer position at an organization, Emotions Matter, Inc. They specialize in Borderline Personality Disorder advocacy. I was also informed that there is a chance for employment at some point. It basically sounds perfect, to be honest.

So, this is all insane to me. I am working on a career. Not a job, but a career, and taking tons of extra work on to make it a reality. I am insanely nervous and not anywhere near 100% confident in myself.

Tomorrow is 19 months sober. Seriously. It is beyond my comprehension of how I got here. It is also 19 months since my last forced hospitalization, and even longer since I’ve sprained a muscle. To be honest, that one is almost the most impressive.

Besides that, I have been super depressed and had plenty of absolutely horrid anxiety episodes. I haven’t imploded, self-destructed, relapsed, or gotten to place that feels hopeless, though. I haven’t had any serious suicide ideation and when it creeps up I reach out. I’ve gotten pretty good at asking for help and I’m proud of myself for that. I’ve even gotten comfortable with the idea that at some point, I might have to go to the hospital, but before the crisis, so that I don’t get to that point.

This is all growth and progress. I start my new planner in January, and this honestly feels like it might end up being a good year. Even with Covid, I might be able to accomplish quite a lot.

Tonight, though, I am still exhausted from last night and am getting a migraine. I’m gonna take a bath, put something comfy on, and do something relaxing.

The mood swing from crying for an hour, letting all of the bad stuff out, and feeling horrid to being cautiously optimistic in about 12 hours is normal for me. It is my life. I’m getting better, but being stable is a 100% effort 100% of the time. It is exhausting.

Alright, good night folks! What are you up to on this Friday night? Being safe and healthy, I hope.

I’m Totally Not Freaking Out, in a Good Way

Last night I had an interview with a local organization that is the center for mental health resources and services for people who don’t have insurance or still can’t afford it even with insurance. This is the third time I’ve interviewed with them for three different positions and countless applications. It is a perfect role and is super part-time, but I would be getting my foot in the door.

It would be a step further down the career path that I went to school for, have the experience for, and would be confident in my ability.

My other positions have always been things that I’ve taken out of either necessity or I’ve kind of fallen into and tried to go into with enthusiasm and hope. I’m so grateful for those jobs. I learned so much.

They are reaching out to my references already and I am confident in the references I have used, so at this point it is a waiting game. I am pretty sure I rocked the interview. It is so much easier to gauge how I did when I was entirely confident in my ability and fit for the position. I also found the next training for the Wisconsin Peer Support certification training courses starts and have reminders and alarms and all sorts of things to be get my application in as soon as humanly possible when the website goes live with the applications. It would be another step in the right direction.

Also, updates on my ridiculous mental health. This perked me up a bit, not going to lie, but I am not counting my eggs until tomorrow if it is an actual spike or just a tease. I talked to my psychiatrist last night and we adjusted some meds and added a new one along with her recommending calling a neurologist. Of course, that makes me nervous, but it is kind of a “just in case” situation. Tonight I have an alumni group for MRT where we discuss where we are with continuing applying what we learned in MRT. I have been using it, so it is just having to find my book after I checked it last week. Physically I was able to get into physical therapy now that the remote customer service didn’t work out. Wait…did I cover that? So, there were widespread tech issues for at least of half of the 3 weeks I was there, and the second two weeks I wasn’t in training I only was actually working for half of the time because of more tech issues. It was just getting ridiculous and I wasn’t able to perform the job effectively, so I resigned. Gearing up to send emails if I don’t get paid tonight and then again in 2 weeks. Anywho….

More political posts coming along with a post about how absolutely wonderful and odd my daughter is.

Last, but not least, another reason I am freaking out a bit is that today is 18 months sober. It hasn’t quite hit as hard as the year soberversary, but it is still a pretty big deal and I’m trying to do my best to celebrate the milestone and focus on the progress. If I don’t do that, I could become complacent and that is a risk factor in relapse.

Life Lesson

“Don’t yuck someone else’s yum”

From a Kindergarten classroom, used to stop a child from shaming someone else’s food choices.

Kind of profound, if you ask me. Imagine if it were applied elsewhere. Not only for kids, but for adults. Someone loves their same gender? Don’t hate on someone else’s love. Someone likes different music? Don’t silence someone else’s beat. I mean, the list could go on! Got a clever one? Share it in the comments! As for me, I sincerely hope that these kids carry this into adulthood.

Finding Me and My Tribe

I’ll give you a quick update on my job, and it definitely relates to finding my tribe! It rocks. I love it. It is emotionally and physically draining, but I don’t dread going. I enjoy going (even if it means getting beat up by a tiny person. That tiny person is worth it.) and I work with amazing people. I haven’t opened up about my struggles overly much, but Whimzy has been going there for a few years and she has been to the counselor and all of that before, so it might be common knowledge. If not, 2 of them are FB friends, so it won’t be long before they figure it all out. Actually worried that it will affect my professional relationships, but I am not ashamed of my struggles because I am obviously overcoming them. Anywho, the ladies I work with (mostly ladies) are fabulous and all have such amazing hearts. I am so happy to be part of their team.

Part of my journey lately has been becoming more comfortable with myself and valuing myself enough to not hang out with people who don’t value all of me (mostly my weirdness and awkwardness). In pursuit of finding people who I can be completely myself with, I have found an amazing family to hang out with. We are having game night tonight. I’m bringing my game “Geek Out” because I am ridiculously excited that I might have found people that will actually be able to play it. I’ve brought it out a few times and it has never gone over well. I am also ridiculously excited because I’m not worried about being judged or being looked at strangely. And their children are absolutely amazing.

There are a few other things in the works that I’m geeking out about, but they aren’t far enough along to post them publicly.

The point of this post? Shit can, and will, get better if you keep trying and keep up on your therapy and medication. It may take a long time, but once those meds that actually work kick in and you have a therapist that you can work with productively, life turns amazing. Even working with a deficit (living at Oxford, being broke constantly, trying to completely rebuild my tribe, and rebuilding myself) things have gotten so much better. And I know that I post about this soo~> much, but I am feeling the difference more and more each day and I want to share the hope! To quote AA, I want to share my story, experience, and hope to people struggling. I remember what it feels like to want to wake up at 11 am and go back to sleep by 6:30 pm because I was so miserable. I remember when just going grocery shopping was all that I was capable of achieving in a day. I remember hating myself and crying myself to sleep. I remember being so desperate to end the pain that I tried ending myself. I remember panicking so bad that I was willing to throw my entire life away to make it stop. Shit sucks. Hardcore. If me talking about how much my life has done a 180° helps someone get through the next 5 minutes, I am gonna keep doing it.

For a few moments today, everything was perfect. It didn’t last long, but even when that feeling went away, I was still feeling great and optimistic while I chugged my energy drink. It all comes full circle. Optimism and Caffeine.

Full Time

I started work this week full-time at my daughter’s elementary school. I’m an ESP, just like I was before as a substitute. I have never done anything as strenuous or as important as what I am doing daily now.

I am also still trying to balance living 2 places, all of my therapy, and the extra stuff I try to do at Oxford. I passed out before 8 pm last night and if Whimzy had been picked up earlier tonight, I’d probably be passed out by now.

I feel scared. I have made more progress in the last 4 months than I have in the last 16 years. In the past, this much growth would have led to extreme self-sabotaging, relapses, and overall destruction of what I had gained. I am determined not to do that this time around. I am prioritizing self-care and therapy stuff after work and trying to be vocal about what I need. Unfortunately, because my mind is so used to guilt and shame, I still feel like I am not doing enough. A neurotypical person would probably be able to do my job, get daily housework done, do the mom-thing, and still work a bath in. I realize that every night isn’t like that, but I always imagine what I want to be able to do daily and it overwhelms me almost instantly.

I need to slow down, accept my amazing accomplishments, give myself time to adjust, and then decide what I can add to my schedule based on my capabilities.

This all being said, (I’m basically using this as a forum to unravel my thoughts) I am loving what I am doing. It feels wonderful to be making a bigger impact on the world than handing out caffeine. It is a huge step for me and I am going to do my damnedest to keep moving forward, even if that means I need to slow down on other goals for a bit. Get rest over cleaning the fridge, go to bed early over reading, journal early over surfing FB… Small adjustments until I am balanced and have this under control a bit more. This level of activity will become easier as I continue.

Again, overall, I am proud. I am also ridiculously happy because this is in my top 5 dream jobs and honestly the first realistic dream job, mostly because I’m prett sure professional cat cuddlers probably don’t get paid a whole lot… I am also so excited because it really seems like I have become a part of a team that cares about kids, that I can see myself working with for a long time, and that I genuinely enjoy being around.

It will be a bit of a struggle for a bit, but I can do this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…..