Homesick from Kitties

I spent the weekend at Kalahari Resort in the Wisconsin Dells.  We had a room with a full kitchen, a separate bedroom, and a full dining room.  The resort had an indoor theme park, an indoor waterpark, a movie theater, a bowling alley, 4 restaurants, a bunch of gift shops, and the walk from our room to the lobby and back was half a mile.  It was huge.

I got homesick.  Really homesick.  And we left the kitties at home, so I was worried.  Combine the two and you get panic attacks.

It was interesting.

I journaled, slept, went swimming, kissed my husband, listened to two little girls giggling, cuddles my new lemur stuffed animal, and begged hubby for reassurance that the kitties were fine.

We got home today.  They were fine.  I am fine.

Onto the next adventure next weekend for a girls’ weekend, without hubby.  It will be a test of how well I can deal independently.

Wish me luck!

SO MUCH!

In the last 3 weeks, I have gotten out of a rehabilitation facility, gotten a new apartment, completely switched lifestyles, gotten 2 new kitties, and sprained my ankle.

My husband quit his job to follow his dream.  In those 3 weeks, he has come up with a custom product, has inventory (minimal, but building), has a website and etsy shop, and taken steps towards being an online retailer for one of the biggest dart companies.  I’m super proud of him, in spite of how all of the changes make me feel.

This all meant he needed an office, so we got a new apartment.  We are still in the process of moving, so things aren’t quite settled, yet. Also, a lot of the stability that a 9-5 job with benefits gave us, was suddenly gone.

Here’s the thing:  I absolutely hate change.  I don’t do well with it.  It supercharges my anxiety and gives my depression steroids.  Especially this much in such a short time.

I’m dealing.  I understand that this could be an amazing new direction my life is taking and we have taken a lot of steps to negate the negative sides of the changes.  I understand that my husband following his dreams gives me and Whimzy inspiration to follow our dreams.

I just is SO MUCH!  I think I’m doing pretty well.  No break downs or actual panic attacks.  I’m managing to stay positive, for the most part.

As I’m writing, I realize how un-confident I sound in myself.  To be honest, that scares me because it is hard to sound more confident without outright lying.  I’m confident in my husband and his ability to make his end work or go back to work in case it doesn’t work fast enough; I’m confident in Whimzy’s ability to adapt and thrive; I’m just not confident in myself and my ability to continue my routine and my plans while changing everything else.I know that good plans lay in their ability to adapt, but adapting has never been my strong suit.

I started out writing this blog in a way to inform my readers what was going on in my life.  Now, it has turned into a look at what is really going on in my brain.  I am going to use this new information and make myself stronger, that is one thing that I am good at: surviving, even when I don’t want to, and right now, I want to.  I want to make this the amazing thing that it could be. I want to be part of what makes this amazing, not the dead weight that gets dragged along.  That might not be how the people around me see me, but it is definitely how I see myself…sometimes.

New post coming on how I am going to move forward and keep my sanity intact.

3 Years and an Infection

Today is my 3rd year anniversary with my husband.  I love him so much and consider myself so lucky that I have someone who loves me unconditionally.  He makes me giggle, makes me feel not broken, he knows me better than myself sometimes, he takes care of me, and he is the best dad I’ve ever seen.  I could not possibly ask for more.

That all being said, he is taking care of me again because I have an infection in the incision from my leg surgery.  It is pretty rare to get an infection this far out from the surgery and I might end up in the hospital if my fever doesn’t go down.  He got dinner, brought me a flower, and picked up all my meds.  He is now taking control of parenting duties so that I can rest.  I am so lucky to have someone who takes care of me, whether it is a mental health breakdown or something physical like getting an infection.   I’d be more eloquent, but the painkillers are making my foggy, and the fever is making my brain not want to work.  I just wish I had the words to describe the stability that I need and that I get from Ty.  He is my rock, as cliche as that is.

Lincoln Park Zoo

My hubby has off work all week.  He easily gets a bit stir-crazy, so I knew he would want to do something at some point.  Then, yesterday, he decides that we should go to the Lincoln Park Zoo.  Yep, and I have a broken foot.

Let me tell you, that “walk” to get into the zoo and get a wheelchair was ridiculous.  I was about ready to sit down and say “No, you go ahead.  I’ll stay here, on the ground, on the bike path.  People can go around me.”

Well, once I got the wheelchair, things got better. I was able to enjoy being out and in the sunshine. The weather was amazing and the animals were out and playing.  The tiger even roared!

Granted, it was not a “best experience ever”, but it did end up being worth the effort it took.

A part of DBT therapy in living a healthy and balanced life is to ‘build positive experiences’, and thought challenge.  Both of which I did yesterday.  Agreeing to go and trying and actually doing it built a positive experience.  Then, while I was waiting for Ty to get back to me with the wheelchair, I wrote down what I was grateful for in the moment, and it helped lift my spirits.  I was able to turn my mood around using skills that I learned in DBT and lean on my support system a bit to help me get past the difficulty of getting into the zoo.

Also, I bought a purple sloth and have named it Thelma.  She is the girlfriend to the other sloth that I have named Thurmy.  That is the new rule, if we go somewhere and I buy a stuffed animal, it has to have a cool name before we leave the store.  Fair trade, I think…

Chlorine, Laughter, and Unicorn Adventurers

Despite all of my flaws and issues, there are still times that I find amazing beauty in the world.  I’m not talking majestic sunsets (even though those are amazing), I’m talking the moments when you can’t imagine being in better place because you are laughing so hard and the people around you make you remember why you get out of bed every morning.

Ty and I randomly got a hotel room and invited some friends to go swimming.  We got sandwich stuff and some friends brought dessert.  We swam and then we went back to the room and talked.  I smelled like chlorine, I was on an impossibly soft mattress, and I had my family and friends surrounding me.  At the moment, there was literally nothing I could have asked for.  Not to mention, I had sat in a hot tub for a half hour and meditated.  It made the world feel right again.

Oh, and my wonderful husband turned it into a strange Unicorn Adventure.   We made little unicorn puppets and took random pictures with them through the entire day/night.  It was ridiculous and amazing.

 

So, go forth and adventure on!

2 Years Into Forever

Let’s face it.  I am a hot mess.

I’m impulsive, have issues with alcohol, depression, and anxiety.

I seek instant gratification and my dream is to become a hermit alpaca scholar in a little cottage surrounded by books and pillows.  I have weird obsessions with gnomes, kinkajous, and sometimes am afraid to leave my apartment.  I forget about the real world when I read a book, and eat way too many noodles.

Yet, despite all of my shortcomings and weirdness, I found somebody who will discuss the legalities of stealing an alpaca versus trying to steal a lemur.  Not only will he put up with me when my crazy shows, he helps me become a better person every, single day.

He supports me through everything and takes more stress on himself so that I can work on myself.  He supports my book habit, snuggles me, and helps coax me out of my comfort zone to enjoy life.

He makes me giggle, stands up for me, and even at my lowest, he seems to see my potential.

He loves watching movies with me, and is the greatest father I have ever seen.  He looks amazing with a tiara on. He doesn’t mind when I cuddle my besties and he sometimes joins in.  He is privy to my girl talk and doesn’t mind when I need their cuddles and love, or when they need me.

His sense of humor kills me, his kisses make me feel like I am home.  Every dream I have of this life and the next revolve around him.

I know that I am difficult to deal with sometimes, and I know that I have a long way to go before I become the person that I want to be, but I know that I have a lover next me for every step of the way; supporting me, loving me, and helping me grow.  What else could I want out of a soul mate?

Ranting, Raving, Best Friends, and Love

First of all, 50 Shades of Grey was horrible. No, I didn’t read the book, I prefer my erotica well written, thank you. That being said, yes, I did go see it opening night.  I wasn’t even planning on renting it, to be honest, but I got an invitation from my Mom.  I invited my Galentine.  Two of the best people in the world to go make fun of it with.  Oh, and make fun of it we did.  I laughed so hard I cried.  Honestly, the sexiest part of it was when Amanda threw a piece of candy down my shirt and it melted.  My cleavage was a hot mess of melted chocolate and a raisin.  My Mom asked some important questions, mostly regarding the insane amount of bush that was present in the movie.  We also decided that now Amanda has seen Dakota Johnson’s boobs more than she has seen mine, which seemed wrong, so I offered to drive home topless.  It was a perfect girls’ night out and I am reminded that family can be friends and I do have an awesome best friend.

*Disclaimer:  Please do some research on BDSM or any alternative sexual lifestyle before you judge it, especially if you go see 50 Shades.

Love?  Yep, me and hubby are celebrating Valentine’s Day today because we are celebrating my Dad’s birthday tomorrow.  We’ve exchanged presents, have dinner planned, and I also am going to make him watch some movie of my choosing tonight.  I might be nice and choose a good movie instead of the obligatory romance movie.  We geeked out for this Valentine’s Day. He got me an Amazon card, so I ordered a Funko of Captain Jean Luc Picard and a tea infuser. Next week I’ll get the Earl Grey tea cup 😉  He also go me googly eyes to jump on that bandwagon.  I got him video game stuff, Miami Dolphin’s gear, candy, and hot sauce. It may not be romance movie worthy, but for me, it will be a perfect day.  It really is the small stuff that makes life worth it.  Remember that 😉

Rare Moments of Happy Fuzzy

This morning, I woke up full of optimism and perk.  I set my goals out for the rest of the week and today in bright ink and munched on my healthy breakfast.

Then, I saw Ty laying on the couch playing on his phone and I took the rare chance to crawl on him and cuddle.  I felt safe and perfect.  I fell asleep, and even after he moved, I just snuggled into my mountain of pillows on the couch and fell asleep.  It felt amazing. 

Then I received the rare pleasure of having Ty exfoliate my neck to get my hair dye off of it.  It was like a crazy good massage.

And now, I have to get ready to tackle my goals for the day.  I generally stay in pj pants on days like this; days when I will be cleaning and running around.  I chose a pair of comfy, fuzzy pj pants. 

These pants represent my mood.  I am comfortable and happy fuzzy. 

Happy fuzzy is very different from anxious fuzzy.  I very rarely have this feeling and I find it hard to get moving.  I just want to bask in how this feels.  So, for a bit, I think I will.  I am going to enjoy watching Star Trek with Ty and make myself some espresso to get going when he starts getting ready for work. 

At this moment, I  am content and wish I felt this way more often.

A Hamster, An Over-Priced Cage, and the Printer That Wasn’t

I have some pretty terrible impulse control.  Whether it is binge-eating noodles, buying a stuffed animal off of Amazon, or deciding that I need a pet.

So, for Fourth of July, we were out at my family’s place, and we found a teensy, tiny frog.  He was adorable and I named him Robert.

 

Well, then, Ty and I got in a fake argument about me coming home on Saturday with a pet.  Except, I really did want a pet, and I wanted one NOW!  So, after work on Saturday, we went with my bestie to buy books and a hamster. 

He is adorable.  He is cuddly (he fell asleep in my hands when I picked him up the first time).  He has and awesome name, Fitzherbert, and I am pretty sure it isn’t pregnant.  It may be narcoleptic and have OCD, though.  Which is fine, we all have our issues….

So, after my impulse was satisfied, I looked on Amazon for add-ons to his cage.  Turns out, if I had slowed down, did some research, I could have gotten just about everything I bought at the store for about half the price on Amazon.  Also, we really need a printer. 

This morning, when I woke up, I apologized to Ty for being impractical.  We needed a printer, and I bought a hamster with an overprice home on a whim.

He laughed at me.  I was offended for a second, until actually spoke.

“What would have made you more happy, a printer or the hamster?”

Of course, it was the hamster (even though I really, really need a printer for my grand recipe book idea).  He is epic. 

So, next time, I will cuddle Fitzherbert, not buy on impulse and get a printer.  Or maybe buy something awesome for Ty.  I mean, we went to video game store before the pet store and Whimzy ended up getting something.  So not fair for him.