Homesick from Kitties

I spent the weekend at Kalahari Resort in the Wisconsin Dells.  We had a room with a full kitchen, a separate bedroom, and a full dining room.  The resort had an indoor theme park, an indoor waterpark, a movie theater, a bowling alley, 4 restaurants, a bunch of gift shops, and the walk from our room to the lobby and back was half a mile.  It was huge.

I got homesick.  Really homesick.  And we left the kitties at home, so I was worried.  Combine the two and you get panic attacks.

It was interesting.

I journaled, slept, went swimming, kissed my husband, listened to two little girls giggling, cuddles my new lemur stuffed animal, and begged hubby for reassurance that the kitties were fine.

We got home today.  They were fine.  I am fine.

Onto the next adventure next weekend for a girls’ weekend, without hubby.  It will be a test of how well I can deal independently.

Wish me luck!


Out and About

I had a bunch of errands to run this morning.  And, let’s face it, I don’t always do well when I am out of the house.  Today, thankfully, I was fine, but there are times that anxiety overtakes me.

Those times, I need tools I’ve learned to save me.  I always carry a small journal in my purse and a few pens.  In my experience, there is usually somewhere to sit nearby that I can take a breather and write a little bit, even if it is just in my car.  Along the same lines as the journal, I like to thought challenge.  What exactly am I anxious about?  What can I do to play devil’s advocate to myself and challenge what I am anxious about?  If I feel judged, I can thought challenge that and ask myself why I care what other people think, or tell myself that people usually are too wrapped up in what they are doing to judge other people.

Another tool that I use is deep breathing.  In through the nose, count to 3, out through the mouth while counting to 5.  Science has shown that deep breathing can alter how your body is reacting to stress.

Last and not least, I may remove myself from the situation.  This is last choice.  I have to realize that sometimes, I cannot deal with certain situations.  This does not make me weak, it makes me intelligent in that I am able to recognize my limits.

What do you do when you are having a bad time out in public?

If you don’t have any mental health issues, what thoughts do you have when  you are out and about and get overwhelmed or stressed?

Any advice?  Comment away!

7 Days

It has been an entire week.

An entire week of feeling good.

What?!  There were a few moments that I could feel my depression and anxiety lingering underneath the surface, but they never showed their faces.

I am stretching my comfort zone and trying to not expect the crash.

I am buying happy journals, focusing on my grad school future, enjoying cooking every night, and look forward to down time with my family after dinner.

I am smiling for no reason.

I have a pirate alpaca.

I find myself dancing around the kitchen as I clean.

*deep breath*

Is this what it feels like to be “normal”?

Well, I am diving in headfirst.  I am already planning Epic Summer #2 2015, family days, things to do that are out of the norm for me, and am getting excited about plans that I have this week.

Night out with some of my favorite ladies, my favorite holiday, and celebrating one of my favorite men’s fiftieth birthday.  Oh, and Oreo rice Krispie treats tomorrow 🙂

I just feel like I need to write as much as I can and record this amazing feeling, so that next time I have a depressive episode that I can look back and remember that my brain is completely capable of being happy. I can be excited without anxiety, happy without shadows, and look forward to every moment.

A Choice

I’m watching a show that centers mostly on forensic psychology.

It is a crime drama, and it is fascinating.

However, I disagree with something they said, and something that is unfortunately accepted as truth.

“It is not a matter of if ‘he/she’ (insert undesirable behavior), it is when.”

That is not true.

With enough education, people can seek help.

Like breast cancer and people screening for lumps, people should know that some thoughts can lead to bad behaviors and can be changed or treated.

I have threatened suicide and attempted suicide more than once.  More than twice.

I am not currently suicidal.  I have gotten help.  Some of my unwanted behaviors still exist.  I still wish I was a lil drunk right now writing this, but I am not. That thought is still there, but with knowledge (workbooks, therapy, research, etc…) I am fighting my own thoughts and becoming healthier.

Anybody can do this to varying degrees, just like any disorder or disease.

This needs to be understood and be passed around as truth.

I am not my diagnosis.  It does not define my next choice.  I define my next choice.  I choose not to drink, to not kill myself, to get up and write this blog.

You have that choice.

Introspecting and Keeping It To Myself

I haven’t posted in a bit.

I have been thinking and working on my brain and thought processes.

I have been doing group therapy, one on one therapy, being that “needy” friend, doing workbooks (I have about 3 that I am actively working on), and constantly trying to examine how I am reacting to a situation.

I’ve kept a lot of it to myself because I do not know what is working yet. I’ve thrown so many new things at my psyche that I guess at least one of them was bound to stick and make a difference.  I just can’t tell through the mass of things that I am doing which one (s) are/is helping.

Here is the thing:  I am going to keep doing it all until I figure it out. Sitting by and passively letting the doctors tell me what to do wasn’t working.  I wasn’t an active participant.  Now I am.  In fact, I may be over doing it, but I’d rather crash from trying too hard than to just burn out on the ground.

It sucks.  I spend 2-3 days a week doing therapy with other people, and 5-7 days a week doing my own personal research and writing and whatnot.  It is mentally exhausting.  I am trying to relearn all of my coping mechanisms.  I don’t even know if I am succeeding.  I am still having anxiety, I still want to go bury my head in the sand about a lot of things.  But, in about 3 hours, I will be hitting 30 days without a drink again.  That is something, if I can keep it going.

See?  I still ramble.  I still drink too much caffeine.  I still have optimism, sometimes too much.

So, thank you for your patience with me.

Btw, so to add a funny, I got Snapchat recently.  I love it.  Add me: lildefective

Anywho, I get a random snap from a random screen name and it is a picture of a guy’s eyebrows with the words “I want to cuddle”.  I had no idea who the hell this was, so I sent him a picture of me cuddling with my stuffed hedgehog, Ivan.  He sends me back a black snap that says “That isn’t me”.  I wrote back “No, it is a hedgehog”.  Then, I started laughing.  How absurd.   He opened my last snap, but hasn’t replied.  Oh, well.  I am not a big fan of eye brows anyways.

Fighting Myself

You know what the hardest part of having a mental issue is?  The fighting your own feelings.  First, I have to realize that how I feeling and reacting is not rational.  Then, I have to pull myself back, make a rational and healthy way to react while ignoring how I really feel.  The way I really feel is most likely an unhealthy way to deal with whatever is going on.

For example, today my husband snapped at me.  My instinct was to run to my bedroom and cry until he apologized or I could suck it up and decide that I deserved to be snapped at.  Instead, I realized that was not the correct way to deal with the situation and I went in my room and wrote.  I wrote 3 pages.  I broke down how I felt and the situation.  I then detached myself and took my emotions out of how I should react.  I ended up with 1 page of a compromise between what he was upset about and how I would do my best to step outside of my comfort zone.

In a completely normal situation that people deal with every day, I had to write 3 pages to dissect how I felt and how unhealthy it was and then write another page about how I would resolve the issues.

Eventually, this will happen internally, hopefully.  Until then, I am going to be doing ALOT of writing.  I am going to be picking apart and ignoring my own feelings.  I am going to be constantly fighting my instinct to run or panic.  I am going to have to stuff that panic and anxiety and sadness down to think about a healthy way of dealing.

I know it won’t always work.   I am going to have slip ups.  Until then, I have pretty colored pens, notebooks and journals spread throughout my purses and apartments, and a goal of examining my reactions and coping methods.

I am fighting my natural reactions to the world.  I am attempting to change my basic cognitive functions.  It is exhausting and hard.  Just from that half hour of me writing furiously and pouring everything out on paper to examine, I feel like somebody took what little energy I had and then gave me sleeping pills.  The downside to that?  After I do this, I still have to continue with my day with making healthy coping methods to deal with my irritability and tiredness from my earlier issue.  I have to consciously go against what I want to do, what is ingrained into my mind as the correct behavior, but it is wrong.

I can’t go to sleep.  I can’t drug or drink myself to numbness.

I am going to take a long bath, watch some Criminal Minds, and curl up on my super comfy couch. Then, I am going to go to sleep at a decent hour and get up and do this all over again.

It will be worth it eventually, but until then, it is going to be a hard road.  Fight or flight is an evolutionary response to a threat, and I perceive just about anything as a threat and I’m always ready, at least physically, for a flight.

Deep breath.

This is for the long haul.

This will be worth it in the future.