Here We Go Again…

After finally finding a therapist that holds me accountable and has me stepping out of my comfort zone, I am back on a routine.  I know it has always helped, but the demons don’t like them, so I haven’t stuck to any.  I’ve tried to-do lists, motivational quotes, making schedules left and right, but I haven’t been sticking to them.

So, I re-did the schedule that I made when I was in residential treatment. Yeah, the same one I posted a few weeks ago.  It has taken me this long and some nudging from my therapist, but I finally am on Day #1 of ROUTINE.  I made it in all caps because honestly, it is scary and I’m deathly afraid of failure.

My therapist also helped me re-arrange my daily schedule thingy.  I’m not sure what else to call it. lol.

Daily Plans

It should pop up in whatever type of Office-type software you use!  Feel free to use it and edit it, but make sure you Instagram me!

Well, here I go.  According to my schedule, it is lunch time.

I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

How To Be Happier Pt.2

I know!  I am a blog writing machine today!  #2 blog of the day!  YAY!

Well, we did what the book said, kinda’.

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We didn’t plan a camping trip and Ty had to work, so we took out Whimzy’s monkey tent and played in there for a bit!  Totally awesome!  Definitely feeling a little bit happier.  Thank you Mr. Epstein!  There will probably be many more parts to this series!

“How to be Happier Day by Day: A Year of Mindful Actions

The title of this is a book I picked up at a used bookstore.  It has an action to do every day of the year.  Once in a while, I grab it and see what it says to do.  Occasionally, when I have time or the motivation, I do it.  Once it told us to have a picnic, so we packed up and had a picnic at a park.

Since our goal as a family is to have adventures, this book seems perfect and it helps me out of my comfort zone and become more comfortable with testing the boundaries my mental illnesses set for me.

Today, it told us to go throw rocks in a pond.  Well, we didn’t have a pond, but we do have one of the biggest lakes in the world less than 5 minutes away.  Lake Michigan.  Despite it being foggy and a little brisk, we did it.  Check out the pics!

It really helps me come out of my shell and helps our reach our adventure goals.  I am so appreciative of my family for supporting me.

Also, my hubby almost hit a seagull with a rock.  If he hit it, I’d have a pet seagull.

This Is It

The thing about depression is that it covers a person in a darkness so dark that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  It is all encompassing.  It feels heavy.  When this hits me, I sometimes panic.  I can’t see a way out.  I claw and I grasp at anything that will give me a little light.

Unfortunately, I’ve taken alcohol as a way out, too much.  This last time, I broke my leg.

This is my solemn oath to never drink again.  I know I’ve said that before, and I’ve nodded and agreed when other people told me not to drink.

This is it.

Day #3 of the rest of my life, in recovery.

Buckling Down

We are going on a cruise in August.

I feel like a fat cow.

Therefore, I shall decided to buckle down and lose weight.  Yoga and diet changes.

I know I’ve gone through this all before, but I am hoping that making a physical change will help my mental health.  It is a big circle, isn’t it?

So, wish me luck and put up with my random weight loss updates.  I’m going to need the support to keep at it.

Hiatus and Hope

I am currently receiving treatment at an undisclosed location for my BPD, depression, and anxiety.   It has been an integrative approach in applying DBT skills to all aspects of my life.  Today, I am on pass home to see how I do at home.

There is a pretty strict internet block, so I haven’t been able to post. My discharge day is coming up, though, so I want to say something important.

There is hope.  I have made some significant strides since getting residential help.  I cannot even explain how different I feel inside and how much higher my hope and motivation have gotten.  I am actually excited to get into a routine and rock my daily life.

If you are struggling, please get help.  It can get better.

Until later, I am going to go get some more skills 😉

Sorry For the Long-winded Boat Analogy

I’m 28, you’d think I would have a better grasp on this.

Well, SURPRISE!  I have no fucking clue.  Everything I have done up to now has been a band-aid over a bullet hole.  It is like I have been taking Dayquil to cure cancer.  Okay, enough analogies.  Also, sorry Taylor Swift, totally just used a line of yours.

It is do or die time.  I thought I hit rock bottom, but then I had to prove myself wrong and screw up even worse.  Feeling comfortable in my life?  I need to change that, obviously. I don’t deserve to be comfortable.   The problem?  There are so many holes to fill in my life boat and I only have two hands and no real-life boat experience.   I can do this one thing over here, and take care of this one smaller thing over there, but it won’t matter if I don’t take care of the whole boat.  Oops, totally was mistaken about the analogy thing.  I’m just not quite sure how else to describe my life.  And the ridiculous part?  This boat was sea worthy until I took a jack-hammer to the bottom of it.  All of these holes in my boat are my doing.  I thought I was fixing the boat because I was putting these holes in to give the rain water somewhere to go. It worked until I realized I made an even bigger problem.  (Hint: this is the alcohol analogy)

So, where does this leave me?  I am in a sinking boat, with no experience with boats outside of watching “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

First of all, the other people that were on this sinking boat are in a safer boat, and I can’t even consider going to them or getting into their boat until I deal with this jack-hammer impulse. Good for them.  I don’t want to take them down, too.  Also, the Calvary was called in and they are safe.

Okay, I think I am done with the boat analogy.  At least for now.  I am taking the bus to work this week, and am trying to figure out what kind of treatment I want/need from Roger’s.  Then, I can start working through marriage/family counseling and making sure that I also don’t have another melt down and seriously drown myself.  One more bad episode and it could be the end of said story.

Okay, more boat analogy:  Thank you to the people who continuously help me stay afloat, even though it must be so hard to watch me put holes in my boat.  It can’t seem rational or make any sense.  Thank you for continuing to do so.  The people safe in the other boat owe that to you.  I know a lot of it is just making sure I don’t take any civilian casualties with me, but who am I to judge intention?

Enough of this nonsense.  I cannot do anything today besides prepare for tomorrow and not put any more holes in my boat.  It seems silly and hopeless, but I can figure out a way to float.

No Pants and Upside-down Meditation

Since my husband and I decided that I have recovered enough from my horrible crash at rock bottom to have our daughter alone, I have had her 2 days a week, have 2-3 days a week alone, and have 3-4 days a week doing family things.

It has worked out wonderfully.  I have time to focus on other things like my recovery, cleaning, and just being myself.

This week, because of a couple scheduling issues, I have a single day to myself, and today is it.  I could run around like crazy cleaning and catching up on stuff.  In reality my mind is telling  me that is what I “should be doing”, or what I “must do in order to be considered a productive member of this family and society”.  I call this, bear with the terrible pun, “musturbating”.  It feeds my depression, self-esteem issues, hinders my recovery, and overall makes me feel like crap.  It simply isn’t healthy.  Now, to clarify, my apartment is messy, and there is a load of dishes in the sink.  So what?  It isn’t filthy and it is suitable for living in, even if the clutter bugs me.

Let’s face it.  I have a huge thing coming up.  A job interview in my fucking field!  Excuse the language, but it is still boggling my mind.  It is a good stress, but still stressful and could turn into a very bad stressful situation if I feed the anxiety/depression/low self-esteem monster.

Let’s pretend I have something physically wrong with me.  Let’s say really bad arthritis, but I have been doing exercises to help alleviate pain and I have been offered a place in some sort of physical activity show that was part of my career dream.  Would I be judged for taking a day off any physically demanding tasks, or even just relaxing a day before said show?  No, I wouldn’t.  It would be considered acceptable and I probably wouldn’t beat myself up over it.

Well, having a mental illness is just as real as having something physically wrong.  For me, there is just a lot more guilt and misunderstanding when I need to take a day a week, or a day before or after a stressful situation to take care of my mental health.

Today, I need a day off of expectations, stress, and guilt.  I need to enjoy the fact that I have a job interview without turning it into a bad situation, or berating myself because I may or may not get around to those dishes.

Here are my goals for today:

*meditate upside down

*mindlessly enjoy the drama of fictional witches on Netflix

*maybe read some

*not wear pants

*stare at a cake recipe until I decide whether or not I want to make it

*probably make dinner later

*take a bath

*enjoy the air conditioner

*do a couple DBT exercises to help with negative thoughts I have about the job interview

*give my face a day off from make up

*Don’t weigh myself, but still stick to my healthier eating plan

This stuff is important for my health.  It may seem silly, or even lazy, but trust me, it is helping strengthen me, and maybe in the future I will need less of these days because I learned how to cope better.  Until then, I am refusing to feel guilty because I need days like this.

Hey!  You! Do you need a mental health day?  Maybe just a day to unwind, an afternoon, a morning, anything that you can focus on your mental health, coping skills, and yourself?  Don’t feel guilty. In fact, applaud yourself for having the strength to move past the guilt and do something that you might desperately need.  Relax pantsless, read a book, binge some Netflix, meditate, do that hobby that you’ve been ignoring, do nothing….do whatever makes you feel happier.  Trust me, you will be a better person tomorrow for you off day today!

What do you do to give yourself some relax time?  If you had a day that no expectations were placed on you, what would you do?  What are you going to do to make this a reality?

Just A Weekend

First of all, my pickles turned out AMAZING!  They taste like the giant pickles that you pay $1 for at fairs and festivals. I will definitely be doing that more often!

I am about 109 days sober and around 105 days sober, I took Whimzy to go see her Grandma AKA my mother-in-law.  At her bar. Where we used to live.  We went during the day and the place was pretty empty.  The bartender was my husband’s cousin, whom I love dearly.  It was not a trigger.  I had no desire to drink or even thought about it except to think that it was great that I wasn’t thinking about it.  It was weird to feel comfortable and not feel the need to escape.  I am not sure if that has more to do with me handling my anxiety better or if it is because I am getting used to not using alcohol as social buffer.  Maybe a combination.  Whimzy had a great time playing pool, eating cheese fries, and happily eating the cherries from her kiddie cocktail.

Her kiddie cocktail and rainbow dress :)

Her kiddie cocktail and rainbow dress 🙂

Today, I ended up with an amazing balance.  I got to spend some alone time this morning and sleep in, then I had some time to talk to my Mom, got to hang out with Whimzy and my friend’s daughter, went grocery shopping, got to be a cool adult and provide lunchables and Cartoon Network to the kiddos, cleaned, jammed out to inspirational music, hung up some herbs to dry, made dinner, had a friend over, and now I am sitting here writing while Ty and Whimzy play on the Wii U.  I feel amazingly content and motivated to keep this going through the entire week.  I have goals written down and some solid ideas about how I want to make myself better this week.  Every day I am taking small steps forward.  I think my positivity and DBT exercises are working.

That being said, I am going to share an exercise that has helped me fall asleep, have amazing dreams, and helped me wake up in a positive mood.  Every night while I am in bed trying to go sleep, I repeat two positive affirmations over and over.  I’ve been doing it for a couple days and it seems to be making a difference in my overall mood. Try it!  Pick something that you need more confidence in, or something that you need to believe to make yourself better, and just say it in you head at night.

Oh, and if you are going to go see Antman, just think during the fight at the lab while they are in the model “What is this?  A center for ants?”.  It will make you giggle, because it is Antman and he fits in it!  Also, as soon as he named the damn ant, I knew it was going to die.  R.I.P Antony.

Just for the heck of it, here is a picture of some parsley I have hanging over my sink to dry.  I have dill hanging on the opposite side and I love the way it looks.  The clothes pin holding it on is from my bridal shower and they were all handpainted by an amazing woman 😉  Putting them to good use!  The two strands of herbs framing above my sink makes my kitchen look very homey.  Once I scrub down the sink and all that tomorrow, maybe I will take another picture of the whole sink.

I thought it looked pretty.  :D

I thought it looked pretty. 😀

How was your weekend?  Accomplish anything?  Hit any recovery milestones?  Remember!  You are amazing and that shirt looks amazing on you!  (If you aren’t wearing a shirt, then I appreciate that you want to be comfortable and I am referring to the shirt you were wearing earlier…obviously.)