The Pit of Depression

Here’s the thing about depression: it is sneaky!  It starts with sleeping in a day, then skipping dishes after dinner, and soon you’re sleeping 15 hours a day and crying more than you should when you’re awake.

I do approximately 7 hours of recovery and therapy related events a week, not including the time I spend on doing work for those events outside of the actual events, like homework for group therapy.

That included individual therapy, group therapy, SMART meetings, DBT classes, community groups, and online recovery meetings.

Despite all of that, I’ve been in a funk.  I didn’t even really notice, and when my husband pointed it out, I felt defeated.  I’m doing all of this work, taking all of these meds, and I still am having issues?!?!

Well, time to buck up again and just push forward.  I’m going to make a game plan with my therapist, because my ideas aren’t working anymore.  I am not going to let my brain disease win.  I refuse.  My life is too awesome to give up on.  Even though I may not believe it all of the time, I am worth it, too.

 

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Back to Adulting

I spent yesterday with Ty at a mall buying a Little Mermaid outfit and some geek tshirts. It was a lot of peopling, but I managed to get through it and enjoy my day.  We were kidless and got to stroll without complaints of boredom every 5 minutes.  It was amazing.  Then, we won $200 on pull tabs at the MIL’s.  So, we went shopping more. lol

Then today, we had to go to the laundromat.  I honestly considered going nudist for a second as I dripped sweat in the un-air-conditioned laundromat.

I’m sore, but I now have an awesome Little Mermaid purse and a bunch of Torrid shirts.  Heck yes!

Now I am stuck making dinner and folding clothes.  What a down spiral.

And part of being back to adulting is working on therapy homework.  It actually challenges me.  This is the first time I’ve ever really been tested by therapy. Normally I rock at therapy and suck at life.   Lately, though, it has been the opposite.  I’m not bad at therapy now, but I am not a shining star like I normally am.  And I have been rocking at life.  Even though my motivation is low, I have a basic plan set for Whimzy for summer, I’ve been working out, I’ve been sober, and I’m learning to love myself for who I am not who I am supposed to be.  It is amazing to feel this way.

 

Here We Go Again…

After finally finding a therapist that holds me accountable and has me stepping out of my comfort zone, I am back on a routine.  I know it has always helped, but the demons don’t like them, so I haven’t stuck to any.  I’ve tried to-do lists, motivational quotes, making schedules left and right, but I haven’t been sticking to them.

So, I re-did the schedule that I made when I was in residential treatment. Yeah, the same one I posted a few weeks ago.  It has taken me this long and some nudging from my therapist, but I finally am on Day #1 of ROUTINE.  I made it in all caps because honestly, it is scary and I’m deathly afraid of failure.

My therapist also helped me re-arrange my daily schedule thingy.  I’m not sure what else to call it. lol.

Daily Plans

It should pop up in whatever type of Office-type software you use!  Feel free to use it and edit it, but make sure you Instagram me!

Well, here I go.  According to my schedule, it is lunch time.

I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

How To Be Happier Pt.2

I know!  I am a blog writing machine today!  #2 blog of the day!  YAY!

Well, we did what the book said, kinda’.

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We didn’t plan a camping trip and Ty had to work, so we took out Whimzy’s monkey tent and played in there for a bit!  Totally awesome!  Definitely feeling a little bit happier.  Thank you Mr. Epstein!  There will probably be many more parts to this series!

“How to be Happier Day by Day: A Year of Mindful Actions

The title of this is a book I picked up at a used bookstore.  It has an action to do every day of the year.  Once in a while, I grab it and see what it says to do.  Occasionally, when I have time or the motivation, I do it.  Once it told us to have a picnic, so we packed up and had a picnic at a park.

Since our goal as a family is to have adventures, this book seems perfect and it helps me out of my comfort zone and become more comfortable with testing the boundaries my mental illnesses set for me.

Today, it told us to go throw rocks in a pond.  Well, we didn’t have a pond, but we do have one of the biggest lakes in the world less than 5 minutes away.  Lake Michigan.  Despite it being foggy and a little brisk, we did it.  Check out the pics!

It really helps me come out of my shell and helps our reach our adventure goals.  I am so appreciative of my family for supporting me.

Also, my hubby almost hit a seagull with a rock.  If he hit it, I’d have a pet seagull.

This Is It

The thing about depression is that it covers a person in a darkness so dark that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  It is all encompassing.  It feels heavy.  When this hits me, I sometimes panic.  I can’t see a way out.  I claw and I grasp at anything that will give me a little light.

Unfortunately, I’ve taken alcohol as a way out, too much.  This last time, I broke my leg.

This is my solemn oath to never drink again.  I know I’ve said that before, and I’ve nodded and agreed when other people told me not to drink.

This is it.

Day #3 of the rest of my life, in recovery.

Buckling Down

We are going on a cruise in August.

I feel like a fat cow.

Therefore, I shall decided to buckle down and lose weight.  Yoga and diet changes.

I know I’ve gone through this all before, but I am hoping that making a physical change will help my mental health.  It is a big circle, isn’t it?

So, wish me luck and put up with my random weight loss updates.  I’m going to need the support to keep at it.

Hiatus and Hope

I am currently receiving treatment at an undisclosed location for my BPD, depression, and anxiety.   It has been an integrative approach in applying DBT skills to all aspects of my life.  Today, I am on pass home to see how I do at home.

There is a pretty strict internet block, so I haven’t been able to post. My discharge day is coming up, though, so I want to say something important.

There is hope.  I have made some significant strides since getting residential help.  I cannot even explain how different I feel inside and how much higher my hope and motivation have gotten.  I am actually excited to get into a routine and rock my daily life.

If you are struggling, please get help.  It can get better.

Until later, I am going to go get some more skills 😉

Sorry For the Long-winded Boat Analogy

I’m 28, you’d think I would have a better grasp on this.

Well, SURPRISE!  I have no fucking clue.  Everything I have done up to now has been a band-aid over a bullet hole.  It is like I have been taking Dayquil to cure cancer.  Okay, enough analogies.  Also, sorry Taylor Swift, totally just used a line of yours.

It is do or die time.  I thought I hit rock bottom, but then I had to prove myself wrong and screw up even worse.  Feeling comfortable in my life?  I need to change that, obviously. I don’t deserve to be comfortable.   The problem?  There are so many holes to fill in my life boat and I only have two hands and no real-life boat experience.   I can do this one thing over here, and take care of this one smaller thing over there, but it won’t matter if I don’t take care of the whole boat.  Oops, totally was mistaken about the analogy thing.  I’m just not quite sure how else to describe my life.  And the ridiculous part?  This boat was sea worthy until I took a jack-hammer to the bottom of it.  All of these holes in my boat are my doing.  I thought I was fixing the boat because I was putting these holes in to give the rain water somewhere to go. It worked until I realized I made an even bigger problem.  (Hint: this is the alcohol analogy)

So, where does this leave me?  I am in a sinking boat, with no experience with boats outside of watching “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

First of all, the other people that were on this sinking boat are in a safer boat, and I can’t even consider going to them or getting into their boat until I deal with this jack-hammer impulse. Good for them.  I don’t want to take them down, too.  Also, the Calvary was called in and they are safe.

Okay, I think I am done with the boat analogy.  At least for now.  I am taking the bus to work this week, and am trying to figure out what kind of treatment I want/need from Roger’s.  Then, I can start working through marriage/family counseling and making sure that I also don’t have another melt down and seriously drown myself.  One more bad episode and it could be the end of said story.

Okay, more boat analogy:  Thank you to the people who continuously help me stay afloat, even though it must be so hard to watch me put holes in my boat.  It can’t seem rational or make any sense.  Thank you for continuing to do so.  The people safe in the other boat owe that to you.  I know a lot of it is just making sure I don’t take any civilian casualties with me, but who am I to judge intention?

Enough of this nonsense.  I cannot do anything today besides prepare for tomorrow and not put any more holes in my boat.  It seems silly and hopeless, but I can figure out a way to float.