TW: Suicide, obviously


I remember the numbness that I felt.   I wasn’t afraid anymore, I was determined.  The detached feeling as I bought the whiskey and instruments that would become my suicide note (which is still being held in evidence in case something like this happens again…).

I remember how absolutely I had given up.  I was doing absolutely no one any good by being alive, in fact I was convinced that I was doing more harm than anything by being alive.  I was a terrible mother, a horrid wife, and an all around useless person.

Keep in mind, this was my last suicide attempt. Not my first, but this one felt the most real.  The most drastic.

I chugged that whiskey faster than I thought possible.  I wrote that note, the numbness wearing off, and sobbing hysterically.  As I finished the note, I remember clutching my chest because I couldn’t stand the feeling anymore.  It hurt physically.  My desperation to be free of this feeling was leading me to do something permanent.  “A permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  That wasn’t true anymore.   This feeling of inadequacy, of desperation, of pain, of anxiety, wasn’t temporary anymore.   It was my reality 9/10 days.  It had just been getting worse for as long as I could remember.

I couldn’t even feel the cold as I crawled into the lake.  It was December 9th, in Wisconsin.  The lake was very cold, but not to me. I could not feel anything outside of my anguish.

I laid down in the water, fully invested in that being my last thought ever.  I thought the world would be better for it.


Eventually, the fast ingestion of the whiskey made me throw up and wake up.  The rest is a whole other post, but suffice it to say that I was not happy that it hadn’t succeeded.

For those who say that suicide is selfish, I am glad you’ve never felt so terrible that you actually believe that the entire world would be better off if you were gone.  It is a terrible feeling.  It physically hurts in ways that are hard to imagine.  Just writing this is making my chest hurt and I’m going to engage in some pretty heavy self care after I get done.

I’ve learned some pretty amazing things since then, but I didn’t have those tools when this happened.  I was lucky enough to survive and learn to thrive, but a lot of people just survive and go on suffering.

Just think about the desperation needed to end your own life.  It is difficult to imagine, but there are those of us who have dealt with the feeling on a daily basis.

Think about that next time you judge.


The Pit of Depression

Here’s the thing about depression: it is sneaky!  It starts with sleeping in a day, then skipping dishes after dinner, and soon you’re sleeping 15 hours a day and crying more than you should when you’re awake.

I do approximately 7 hours of recovery and therapy related events a week, not including the time I spend on doing work for those events outside of the actual events, like homework for group therapy.

That included individual therapy, group therapy, SMART meetings, DBT classes, community groups, and online recovery meetings.

Despite all of that, I’ve been in a funk.  I didn’t even really notice, and when my husband pointed it out, I felt defeated.  I’m doing all of this work, taking all of these meds, and I still am having issues?!?!

Well, time to buck up again and just push forward.  I’m going to make a game plan with my therapist, because my ideas aren’t working anymore.  I am not going to let my brain disease win.  I refuse.  My life is too awesome to give up on.  Even though I may not believe it all of the time, I am worth it, too.


The Right Path

Happiness is doing the right thing in the right way.  I don’t know who said that, but something close to it is written on the white board in my group therapy room.

Suddenly, I am making the right choices in life; staying sober, confronting my mental illnesses, and making choices that won’t hurt those around me.  I’m talking to my family again (love it!), am waiting on a phone call that could change my life, just booked a Walt Disney trip, and my daughter got into the gifted program.

Life is going in the right direction.  I am on the right path, and it feels amazing!

Also, llamas are all of a sudden popular.  Heck yes!  No llama drama here!

Snapshot of Depression

This is what depression looks like:

A messy house

A mom almost crying because she wants to be more for her daughter

A feeling of complete and utter worthlessness

Body aches from not sleeping well

An urge to drink just to get some motivation

Almost crying when putting chicken in the slow cooker because it was alive at some point

A to do list sitting, unused

Feeling overwhelmed at the idea of even moving at all, let alone doing something productive

Wanting to skip going to the pool, despite already promising daughter you’d go

Wanting to cry, but not being able to let go enough to actually cry.

Exhaustion.  Total and utter exhaustion.

Now this obviously doesn’t cover everything that depression can do, but it is a list of what it is to be depressed in a moment.  And this is unique to me, every one is different and has different symptoms and severity of symptoms.

Right now, I’m honestly jealous of my cats.  I want to curl up in a ball, also, and sleep all day.  Unfortunately, I need to find a way to buck up for my daughter and my life.


I am moving. Not always forward, but I seem to be moving forward in the overall picture.

It is hard.  It is difficult. I am re-learning how to live life.   I have a new therapist, a new group therapy, a Recovery coach, and I am regularly attending SMART meetings.  I am also putting myself in to the recovery community around me by being a committee member on a Rally for Recovery event.  I’m a public relations officer.  Fancy, right?

By moving, I’m also moving away from things.  Some things are obvious, like alcohol and mental instability.  Some things are not; like people, places, and certain ways that I thought.

I’m not okay with all of that.  Certain thoughts and behaviors are comfortable.  Changing them is uncomfortable.  Why would I want to do that?  I can be a better, more stable person by changing.  I am choosing to move out of my comfort zone.

GAH! I get anxious when I’m away from home for more than a couple hours and I am trying to completely move out of the space in my head that I feel comfortable in.

What is out there?  Show me pics and help me reach out!

Finding My Place

Turmoil.  That has been most of my adult life.  Alot of it was self-induced, but not intentional.

Now that I have stability, I’m learning to not self-destruct.  It can be hard, especially on bad days when everything seems hopeless.

Thankfully, I’m on an upswing and am experiencing minimal symptoms.

That means I am trying to do as much as I can with this time, including: community volunteer work, housework, spirituality, mental health tools, spending time with friends and family, being active in my plans to stabilize myself, and lots of self-care.

Wait, did I say volunteer work?  YES! Yes, I did.  I am on a committee for the Kenosha/Racine Rally for Recovery that is happening in September.  I am actively working on communicating with a recovery group and reaching out to the community.  It feels amazing.  I am so excited and grateful for the opportunity. Not to mention, I get to hang out with some awesome people and build my support system.

Life is good, and I am moving in a positive direction.  Isn’t that all we can really hope for?

Application In!

I finished my application for Rutgers University’s online program this morning.  I got my essay finished this morning and submitted my full application this afternoon.  It is for their MSW online program. They will set up clinicals and everything for me once that time comes.

On one hand, I’m really excited.  It is about time I take this next step in my education and actually try to do something with my education.  On the other hand, I am freaking nervous.  I need 3,000 hours of clinicals.  That is 2 years worth of work.  I have issues holding a job, so how am I going to do clinicals?  I am trying to be positive, but it is hard with my track record with employment.  I guess it is something to work on with my future therapist and case management team.  I know that I can help people, because of my own experiences both current and past, so this is my attempt to do that.

I’ll keep you updated!

Anybody go through schooling, especially clinical work,  with mental health issues?  How did you cope?  Tell me your stories!


One of the big issues that I have with my depression is losing the ability to focus.   Despite the fact that I love reading, I can go months without reading a book because my brain doesn’t want to focus.

This next week, I am going to make reading a priority.  There is NO way that I am going to hit my reading goal for this year, but I still can get a few books closer.

The loss of focus also makes me super absentminded.  I completely forget things, lose track of time, get easily distracted, and zone out a lot.

Does anybody else have this problem?  How do you cope?

Lists, Notes, and Planners, Oh, MY!

Part of what has really been helpful throughout my recovery journey is having a schedule and being held accountable.  While sometimes my anxiety/depression makes this near impossible, I do the best I can do.  And by the “best I can do”, I mean I may overdo it when I am feeling well.  The thing is that it really does help, so making checklists, weekly/daily schedules, having a ridiculous planner, and a daily journal are all things that I have scattered about me randomly.

The weekly schedule is on the fridge.  My DBT BA (a basic explanation of what a BA, or behavioral activation is! CLICK ME! I CONTAIN KNOWLEDGE!) schedule is in my planner, my daily grateful/goals/self-affirmations are in my journal, and random to-do lists/events/and things to remember are all scribbled about somewhere in my planner.

Keeping track of everything I do helps me stay focused and gives me perspective when at the end of the day I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything.


^ this is my BA list, weekly.

Not only do I try to do better day to day, but I can make weekly goals, too.  I keep them every week and try to look for patterns.  Sometimes digging into patterns helps, but oftentimes I end up overwhelmed, so I try to do it sparingly.  If you like my layout, go ahead and steal it!  Add your own stuff in!  Keep track!  Then, look back and be grateful and proud of all you’ve accomplished.

To be honest, there are days that I can check off maybe 1 box of completions.  But you know what?  There are other days that I manage to get all of them done.  It all evens out, even with the bad days.  I promise.


In the last 3 weeks, I have gotten out of a rehabilitation facility, gotten a new apartment, completely switched lifestyles, gotten 2 new kitties, and sprained my ankle.

My husband quit his job to follow his dream.  In those 3 weeks, he has come up with a custom product, has inventory (minimal, but building), has a website and etsy shop, and taken steps towards being an online retailer for one of the biggest dart companies.  I’m super proud of him, in spite of how all of the changes make me feel.

This all meant he needed an office, so we got a new apartment.  We are still in the process of moving, so things aren’t quite settled, yet. Also, a lot of the stability that a 9-5 job with benefits gave us, was suddenly gone.

Here’s the thing:  I absolutely hate change.  I don’t do well with it.  It supercharges my anxiety and gives my depression steroids.  Especially this much in such a short time.

I’m dealing.  I understand that this could be an amazing new direction my life is taking and we have taken a lot of steps to negate the negative sides of the changes.  I understand that my husband following his dreams gives me and Whimzy inspiration to follow our dreams.

I just is SO MUCH!  I think I’m doing pretty well.  No break downs or actual panic attacks.  I’m managing to stay positive, for the most part.

As I’m writing, I realize how un-confident I sound in myself.  To be honest, that scares me because it is hard to sound more confident without outright lying.  I’m confident in my husband and his ability to make his end work or go back to work in case it doesn’t work fast enough; I’m confident in Whimzy’s ability to adapt and thrive; I’m just not confident in myself and my ability to continue my routine and my plans while changing everything else.I know that good plans lay in their ability to adapt, but adapting has never been my strong suit.

I started out writing this blog in a way to inform my readers what was going on in my life.  Now, it has turned into a look at what is really going on in my brain.  I am going to use this new information and make myself stronger, that is one thing that I am good at: surviving, even when I don’t want to, and right now, I want to.  I want to make this the amazing thing that it could be. I want to be part of what makes this amazing, not the dead weight that gets dragged along.  That might not be how the people around me see me, but it is definitely how I see myself…sometimes.

New post coming on how I am going to move forward and keep my sanity intact.