The Beginning of the End

I just put my mom into a Hospice program.

I know it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is the end, but I can see a decline in her.  She’s lost a lot of weight and won’t eat.

I think I am handling things well.  I handled the appointment with the Hospice nurse in an educated way, I didn’t break down when I got home, and the extent of my wallowing was allowing myself some junk food and noodles.

I know this is going to suck.  Hardcore.  I signed up for this, though.  Literally, I signed papers that put me in charge of this.  I need to be able to make decisions based on logic, and not straight emotion.

So far, so good…

Moving

I am moving. Not always forward, but I seem to be moving forward in the overall picture.

It is hard.  It is difficult. I am re-learning how to live life.   I have a new therapist, a new group therapy, a Recovery coach, and I am regularly attending SMART meetings.  I am also putting myself in to the recovery community around me by being a committee member on a Rally for Recovery event.  I’m a public relations officer.  Fancy, right?

By moving, I’m also moving away from things.  Some things are obvious, like alcohol and mental instability.  Some things are not; like people, places, and certain ways that I thought.

I’m not okay with all of that.  Certain thoughts and behaviors are comfortable.  Changing them is uncomfortable.  Why would I want to do that?  I can be a better, more stable person by changing.  I am choosing to move out of my comfort zone.

GAH! I get anxious when I’m away from home for more than a couple hours and I am trying to completely move out of the space in my head that I feel comfortable in.

What is out there?  Show me pics and help me reach out!

Rejection, Cognitive Distortions, and Moving Forward

Well, I didn’t get into Rutger’s.  I am super disappointed and there is a war going on in my head to stay healthy while dealing with the rejection.  On one hand, I feel this is a personal rejection, like they rejected me on a personal level, me as a person.

This is called a cognitive distortion, specifically, personalization.  Personalization is, as psych central defines it, “is where a person believes that everything others say and do is some sort of direct, personal reaction to the person”.  (For the full article, visit here! It is an excellent article on psych central that explains 15 common cognitive distortions.)

I could go into wise mind, but I am going to just keep it simple.   I need to make my emotions, feeling personally rejected, and my logic, that it is not personal and I still have more options, align together.  It is difficult, and it is something that I struggle with quite a bit.

So I am going to move forward.   I plan on applying to more schools within a month or 2, but for right now I am going to focus on the Rally for Recovery (check out the FB page right here!) and finding a more fulfilling job.  I just set up 2 interviews for jobs that will bring me closer to my career goals.

Even if this sucks, I can deal with it without self-destructing.  I am getting better.  It is good news, disguised as bad news.

Finding My Place

Turmoil.  That has been most of my adult life.  Alot of it was self-induced, but not intentional.

Now that I have stability, I’m learning to not self-destruct.  It can be hard, especially on bad days when everything seems hopeless.

Thankfully, I’m on an upswing and am experiencing minimal symptoms.

That means I am trying to do as much as I can with this time, including: community volunteer work, housework, spirituality, mental health tools, spending time with friends and family, being active in my plans to stabilize myself, and lots of self-care.

Wait, did I say volunteer work?  YES! Yes, I did.  I am on a committee for the Kenosha/Racine Rally for Recovery that is happening in September.  I am actively working on communicating with a recovery group and reaching out to the community.  It feels amazing.  I am so excited and grateful for the opportunity. Not to mention, I get to hang out with some awesome people and build my support system.

Life is good, and I am moving in a positive direction.  Isn’t that all we can really hope for?

The Battle of the Routine

Let’s face it.  One of the worst parts of depression is the lethargy that I discussed in my last post.  (Check it out HERE!)

The way to battle it? Straight up routine.  The problem?  Well, I DON’T WANNA!  I want to sleep and lay around, not get up early and do things.  Ugh.

That perpetuates the cycle, though.  I gave myself today to rest and plan, and then I start my new routine tomorrow.  I’ve included my basic routine, minus my appointments, at the bottom of this post.

The hardest part for me is getting going in the morning.  I am not a morning person and leaving the comfort of my bed is not fun.  It means I have to deal with all of the emotions and struggles out in the world.   Who honestly wants to do that?

I’m hoping after enough time with the routine it will become, well, routine, and I won’t dread it as much. For now, though, I am dreading this week and hoping I make it through.

Wish me luck and check out the link to my schedule below!  Have any tips?

New Schedule

I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

Vomiting Out Emotions

My mom might be going on Hospice soon if this round of antibiotics doesn’t take care of her infection (UTI).

Suddenly, I’m thrust out of my own bubble of trying to survive my brain issues and my little family into my mom saying “My life is in your hands.”

Wow.

That is alot of weight on my shoulders.  It is a weight I’ve had for a long time, but that seemed to make it heavier.

I need to be assertive; I make the decisions, no one else; I can and will do this; I am capable and intelligent;  my past does not predict my future….

All of these things running through my head.  I’m home and dinner is over and cleaned up, but emotionally, I am drained.  I could curl up in a ball and sleep for days.  I won’t.  Tomorrow is more adulting and moving forward.

I got this.  I have to have this.  It is my mommy.

Spin The Wheel!

No.  This isn’t some fun carnival game that you get the chance to win a giant stuffed hermit crab at.  (Who really wants a giant stuffed hermit crab?  Seriously, where does my head come up with this stuff?)

This is my daily roll of the dice, spin of the wheel, deal of the cards…

How will I feel when I wake up? How will I feel around noon?  How about 8 pm?

Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows.

Today has been pretty consistent with a little bit of a crash in mood and motivation around 4, and now some womenly pains in the evening.  Mood wise, it was a decent day.

There are 3 main ways that I feel: it hurts to be alive, I’m scared to be awake, or “hey, this isn’t so bad”.  I violently bounce between these 3 at any point in the day.  Sometimes, it gives me whiplash.  My motivation goes from “my eyelids are to heavy to open” to “let’s do it all now and overwhelm myself until I am catatonic on the couch”.  The floor would be more dramatic, but I honestly don’t lay on the floor much.  My furniture is too comfortable.

It can just be exhausting to deal with the roller coaster.

If you are dealing with something similar, whether it is BPD, bipolar, depressive episodes…whatever it is, then know that you aren’t alone and somebody out there understands, even if you don’t get to win a giant stuffed hermit crab at the end of the day.

P.S.  If you do want a big-ish hermit crab, check out Amazon, HERE!  He is actually kinda’ cute….

Changes

Geez.  My life is going in a completely new direction that it was on my last post.  I’m not going to go into details quite yet, but suffice it to say that for someone who hates change, this is stressful and exciting all at the same time.

Also, I went to rehab.

Yep.

Rehab.

I kept it close to the vest.   Only people who were there when the rehab idea was put into action knew about it.  To be honest, I was and still kinda’ am ashamed.  On the upside, I made it through the 2 weeks and have a newfound understanding of the disease of addiction and associated disorders.    I would go into details on what exactly I learned, but I had to sign a contract that said that I wouldn’t publish some of the info because it is not available to the public yet.

Moving forward on a different path.

To the future, whatever it may hold!

The Problem with my Brain

I had a wonderful day today.  We ran some errands in the morning, then hung out and explored my downtown with hubby’s cousin and her kids.

It should have been zero-stress.

The problem with my brain is that it totally had stress.  I was really self-conscious the entire time, the heat made my anxiety act up, and I was hyper aware of the pain in my foot.

So, now I am home, curled up in pj’s, sitting in front of the AC, and I am exhausted. It isn’t even 7 o’clock, and I could totally go to sleep.

It still was a good day, which is something that I don’t think I could have said a year ago with the brain stuff I had going on, but it took A LOT out of me to keep going and enjoy it.  So, I am going to lay down and watch the movie the family is watching, or maybe grab a book and do some reading.  Something nice and relaxing, and then head to bed earlyish because I am getting up with Whimzy in the morning.

Today was a victory, despite the problem with my brain.