The Battle of the Routine

Let’s face it.  One of the worst parts of depression is the lethargy that I discussed in my last post.  (Check it out HERE!)

The way to battle it? Straight up routine.  The problem?  Well, I DON’T WANNA!  I want to sleep and lay around, not get up early and do things.  Ugh.

That perpetuates the cycle, though.  I gave myself today to rest and plan, and then I start my new routine tomorrow.  I’ve included my basic routine, minus my appointments, at the bottom of this post.

The hardest part for me is getting going in the morning.  I am not a morning person and leaving the comfort of my bed is not fun.  It means I have to deal with all of the emotions and struggles out in the world.   Who honestly wants to do that?

I’m hoping after enough time with the routine it will become, well, routine, and I won’t dread it as much. For now, though, I am dreading this week and hoping I make it through.

Wish me luck and check out the link to my schedule below!  Have any tips?

New Schedule

Lethargy

As bad as the crippling, crying type of depression is, the lethargic kind of depression is worse.  It is so sneaky.  It makes me feel like doing nothing is the best thing in the world.  It makes it feel like my limbs weigh more than humanly possible.  It makes me feel like maybe I’m not hungry enough to get up and eat.  It makes me doubt that things need to be done.  Maybe I don’t need to dust.  I can do it tomorrow, right?  *sigh*

Sneaky.   As I sit here, zoning out on the TV, wishing I wanted to do more.

Girls’ Weekend

I spent the weekend out of town with some girl friends.  I was ridiculously anxious and spent most of the night before trying to convince my husband to let me stay home.  He never caved and I ended up in a car with 2 of my besties on my way out.

I have to admit, once I got in the car I calmed down quite a bit.

I had an amazing time.  I laughed until my stomach hurt, learned more about my friends, scrapbooked, shopped, ate, got a massage, sat in a hot tub, and hit my step goal two of the three days.

Oh, and I had Sonic for the first time!  I wasn’t all that impressed.  Disappointment.

I kinda’ wish I could’ve stayed in that mood for forever.  Unfortunately, I think I used up all of my feel-good chemicals and now my depression is acting up.

Now, I am going off to surgery tomorrow to get baby making parts removed.  Sigh.  The weekend was awesome, but the week isn’t going so well.

But, hey, I got over my fear and went on an adventure!  I’m proud of myself.

Homesick from Kitties

I spent the weekend at Kalahari Resort in the Wisconsin Dells.  We had a room with a full kitchen, a separate bedroom, and a full dining room.  The resort had an indoor theme park, an indoor waterpark, a movie theater, a bowling alley, 4 restaurants, a bunch of gift shops, and the walk from our room to the lobby and back was half a mile.  It was huge.

I got homesick.  Really homesick.  And we left the kitties at home, so I was worried.  Combine the two and you get panic attacks.

It was interesting.

I journaled, slept, went swimming, kissed my husband, listened to two little girls giggling, cuddles my new lemur stuffed animal, and begged hubby for reassurance that the kitties were fine.

We got home today.  They were fine.  I am fine.

Onto the next adventure next weekend for a girls’ weekend, without hubby.  It will be a test of how well I can deal independently.

Wish me luck!

I’m Such A Baby

I have a sinus infection.

I’m miserable.  I’m also craving carbs on day #2 of trying to eat healthy.

I’m all around failing today.

Plus, I’m a big baby when I’m sick.  All I want to do is sleep and eat, maybe soak in a bath tub.  My head feels like it is going to implode.   It isn’t contagious, so I can curl up with husband and not have to cancel plans with friends tomorrow.

I’m just cracking up (inside because laughing hurts), because the stereotype is that women clean and do all this stuff while they are sick, and here I am, barely moving til 1pm, and then curling up on the couch.  If you asked me to vacuum, I’d consider stabbing you.

Any other moms have the issue?  Get support from family?  Thankfully, husband is taking over for me, so I can continue being an irritable cry baby.

ANNIVERSARY!

It has been 3 years since I started this blog on wordpress.com!

I’ve gone through some major changes, ups and downs, and challenges since then, and I’ve tried to blog through them, even when I was in places that wouldn’t allow me to get on the site.

It has been therapeutic and I’ve learned alot from my readers.   I hope you share this blog with your friends!  The 140th follower gets some happy mail from me!

Let’s spread the word!

Recovery Ladies

I’ve never been into the whole AA/NA thing  (Don’t trash me for it!), but I have met some amazing people in therapy.

Mainly a few chicks that I have the pleasure of keeping in contact with and spend time with.  I went to a waterpark resort with 2 of them last night and then we hung out and watched a movie.  It was such a breath of fresh air hanging out with people who completely understand how I feel.

I mean, I have amazing friends out of recovery, I will never deny that (I love them more than words can explain), but having recovery friends has really been helpful the last week or so.  We have a  coffee date coming up and I truly believe that staying in touch with these girls, whom are all an inspiration to me, will help keep me sober. I wouldn’t feel worthy of their respect if I choose to keep using.

It is true, a support system is everything in recovery, and I have so many legs to stand on in that department that I feel spoiled.

We are going to change the world.  Just watch us!

Application In!

I finished my application for Rutgers University’s online program this morning.  I got my essay finished this morning and submitted my full application this afternoon.  It is for their MSW online program. They will set up clinicals and everything for me once that time comes.

On one hand, I’m really excited.  It is about time I take this next step in my education and actually try to do something with my education.  On the other hand, I am freaking nervous.  I need 3,000 hours of clinicals.  That is 2 years worth of work.  I have issues holding a job, so how am I going to do clinicals?  I am trying to be positive, but it is hard with my track record with employment.  I guess it is something to work on with my future therapist and case management team.  I know that I can help people, because of my own experiences both current and past, so this is my attempt to do that.

I’ll keep you updated!

Anybody go through schooling, especially clinical work,  with mental health issues?  How did you cope?  Tell me your stories!

I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

Vomiting Out Emotions

My mom might be going on Hospice soon if this round of antibiotics doesn’t take care of her infection (UTI).

Suddenly, I’m thrust out of my own bubble of trying to survive my brain issues and my little family into my mom saying “My life is in your hands.”

Wow.

That is alot of weight on my shoulders.  It is a weight I’ve had for a long time, but that seemed to make it heavier.

I need to be assertive; I make the decisions, no one else; I can and will do this; I am capable and intelligent;  my past does not predict my future….

All of these things running through my head.  I’m home and dinner is over and cleaned up, but emotionally, I am drained.  I could curl up in a ball and sleep for days.  I won’t.  Tomorrow is more adulting and moving forward.

I got this.  I have to have this.  It is my mommy.