The Pit of Depression

Here’s the thing about depression: it is sneaky!  It starts with sleeping in a day, then skipping dishes after dinner, and soon you’re sleeping 15 hours a day and crying more than you should when you’re awake.

I do approximately 7 hours of recovery and therapy related events a week, not including the time I spend on doing work for those events outside of the actual events, like homework for group therapy.

That included individual therapy, group therapy, SMART meetings, DBT classes, community groups, and online recovery meetings.

Despite all of that, I’ve been in a funk.  I didn’t even really notice, and when my husband pointed it out, I felt defeated.  I’m doing all of this work, taking all of these meds, and I still am having issues?!?!

Well, time to buck up again and just push forward.  I’m going to make a game plan with my therapist, because my ideas aren’t working anymore.  I am not going to let my brain disease win.  I refuse.  My life is too awesome to give up on.  Even though I may not believe it all of the time, I am worth it, too.

 

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The Right Path

Happiness is doing the right thing in the right way.  I don’t know who said that, but something close to it is written on the white board in my group therapy room.

Suddenly, I am making the right choices in life; staying sober, confronting my mental illnesses, and making choices that won’t hurt those around me.  I’m talking to my family again (love it!), am waiting on a phone call that could change my life, just booked a Walt Disney trip, and my daughter got into the gifted program.

Life is going in the right direction.  I am on the right path, and it feels amazing!

Also, llamas are all of a sudden popular.  Heck yes!  No llama drama here!

Socks and Brownies

I know, it has been awhile.

I’ve honestly been in a crazy rut.  I do awesome on the weekends, and then crash hardcore during the week.  Consequently, my apartment is a mess and I’m sleeping too much.

Depression is lovely.

On a brighter note….wait, I don’t think I have one.  Right now, being in my head sucks.  I’ll live, I always do, but I need to find my strength and motivation and get shit done.

Tomorrow I am doing some work for the Rally for Recovery that I’ve been slacking off on.  That should boost me a bit.  It is something that I am passionate about and I will be with a couple pretty awesome chicks.

Any non-judgy people wanna help me clean?  Lol.  I’ll pay you in brownies and let you keep any socks you find (unless it is my narwhal sock, I’ve been looking for that for forever!)

Snapshot of Depression

This is what depression looks like:

A messy house

A mom almost crying because she wants to be more for her daughter

A feeling of complete and utter worthlessness

Body aches from not sleeping well

An urge to drink just to get some motivation

Almost crying when putting chicken in the slow cooker because it was alive at some point

A to do list sitting, unused

Feeling overwhelmed at the idea of even moving at all, let alone doing something productive

Wanting to skip going to the pool, despite already promising daughter you’d go

Wanting to cry, but not being able to let go enough to actually cry.

Exhaustion.  Total and utter exhaustion.

Now this obviously doesn’t cover everything that depression can do, but it is a list of what it is to be depressed in a moment.  And this is unique to me, every one is different and has different symptoms and severity of symptoms.

Right now, I’m honestly jealous of my cats.  I want to curl up in a ball, also, and sleep all day.  Unfortunately, I need to find a way to buck up for my daughter and my life.

Back to Adulting

I spent yesterday with Ty at a mall buying a Little Mermaid outfit and some geek tshirts. It was a lot of peopling, but I managed to get through it and enjoy my day.  We were kidless and got to stroll without complaints of boredom every 5 minutes.  It was amazing.  Then, we won $200 on pull tabs at the MIL’s.  So, we went shopping more. lol

Then today, we had to go to the laundromat.  I honestly considered going nudist for a second as I dripped sweat in the un-air-conditioned laundromat.

I’m sore, but I now have an awesome Little Mermaid purse and a bunch of Torrid shirts.  Heck yes!

Now I am stuck making dinner and folding clothes.  What a down spiral.

And part of being back to adulting is working on therapy homework.  It actually challenges me.  This is the first time I’ve ever really been tested by therapy. Normally I rock at therapy and suck at life.   Lately, though, it has been the opposite.  I’m not bad at therapy now, but I am not a shining star like I normally am.  And I have been rocking at life.  Even though my motivation is low, I have a basic plan set for Whimzy for summer, I’ve been working out, I’ve been sober, and I’m learning to love myself for who I am not who I am supposed to be.  It is amazing to feel this way.

 

The Battle of the Routine

Let’s face it.  One of the worst parts of depression is the lethargy that I discussed in my last post.  (Check it out HERE!)

The way to battle it? Straight up routine.  The problem?  Well, I DON’T WANNA!  I want to sleep and lay around, not get up early and do things.  Ugh.

That perpetuates the cycle, though.  I gave myself today to rest and plan, and then I start my new routine tomorrow.  I’ve included my basic routine, minus my appointments, at the bottom of this post.

The hardest part for me is getting going in the morning.  I am not a morning person and leaving the comfort of my bed is not fun.  It means I have to deal with all of the emotions and struggles out in the world.   Who honestly wants to do that?

I’m hoping after enough time with the routine it will become, well, routine, and I won’t dread it as much. For now, though, I am dreading this week and hoping I make it through.

Wish me luck and check out the link to my schedule below!  Have any tips?

New Schedule

Lethargy

As bad as the crippling, crying type of depression is, the lethargic kind of depression is worse.  It is so sneaky.  It makes me feel like doing nothing is the best thing in the world.  It makes it feel like my limbs weigh more than humanly possible.  It makes me feel like maybe I’m not hungry enough to get up and eat.  It makes me doubt that things need to be done.  Maybe I don’t need to dust.  I can do it tomorrow, right?  *sigh*

Sneaky.   As I sit here, zoning out on the TV, wishing I wanted to do more.

Girls’ Weekend

I spent the weekend out of town with some girl friends.  I was ridiculously anxious and spent most of the night before trying to convince my husband to let me stay home.  He never caved and I ended up in a car with 2 of my besties on my way out.

I have to admit, once I got in the car I calmed down quite a bit.

I had an amazing time.  I laughed until my stomach hurt, learned more about my friends, scrapbooked, shopped, ate, got a massage, sat in a hot tub, and hit my step goal two of the three days.

Oh, and I had Sonic for the first time!  I wasn’t all that impressed.  Disappointment.

I kinda’ wish I could’ve stayed in that mood for forever.  Unfortunately, I think I used up all of my feel-good chemicals and now my depression is acting up.

Now, I am going off to surgery tomorrow to get baby making parts removed.  Sigh.  The weekend was awesome, but the week isn’t going so well.

But, hey, I got over my fear and went on an adventure!  I’m proud of myself.

I’M BACK!

For me, it is hard to write when I am in a dark place.  I get self conscious about how I sound and how people will judge me.   I never want to come off as a pity-party or make somebody call the cops because I seem suicidal.

Well, it has been a full week in an up mood!  I got my hair dyed, started the process for getting my Master’s degree, had some awesome time with my girls, and booked a vacation for my lil girl’s birthday!

I’ve also been doing pretty well with cleaning.  Still trying to declutter, but that is a process.

For me, during those dark times, nothing seems to help.  I can go through all of my DBT tools, and sometimes they just don’t help.  My BPD makes me impulsive to get out of the mood as fast as I can, so crave alcohol.  The urges to do something self destructive are insanely strong.  I isolated, but my husband wouldn’t let me for very long.  I was moody, irritable, and generally horrible to be around.  I slept longer than I should have, but in my mind, that is better than being suicidal or drinking.  Gotta work on that.

I started a new routine this morning with my medications and it seems to be helping me get going in the morning!  I am not a morning person by nature.  My husband drives me nuts when he is all energized and crazy in the morning.

Overall, I guess I just want to say that no matter how bad it seems, don’t give in!  It will get better!   I was ready to give up 2 weeks ago, and now I have so much to be happy about.

You are worth fighting for, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong!

Lists, Notes, and Planners, Oh, MY!

Part of what has really been helpful throughout my recovery journey is having a schedule and being held accountable.  While sometimes my anxiety/depression makes this near impossible, I do the best I can do.  And by the “best I can do”, I mean I may overdo it when I am feeling well.  The thing is that it really does help, so making checklists, weekly/daily schedules, having a ridiculous planner, and a daily journal are all things that I have scattered about me randomly.

The weekly schedule is on the fridge.  My DBT BA (a basic explanation of what a BA, or behavioral activation is! CLICK ME! I CONTAIN KNOWLEDGE!) schedule is in my planner, my daily grateful/goals/self-affirmations are in my journal, and random to-do lists/events/and things to remember are all scribbled about somewhere in my planner.

Keeping track of everything I do helps me stay focused and gives me perspective when at the end of the day I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything.

ba-new

^ this is my BA list, weekly.

Not only do I try to do better day to day, but I can make weekly goals, too.  I keep them every week and try to look for patterns.  Sometimes digging into patterns helps, but oftentimes I end up overwhelmed, so I try to do it sparingly.  If you like my layout, go ahead and steal it!  Add your own stuff in!  Keep track!  Then, look back and be grateful and proud of all you’ve accomplished.

To be honest, there are days that I can check off maybe 1 box of completions.  But you know what?  There are other days that I manage to get all of them done.  It all evens out, even with the bad days.  I promise.